New Angry Since 1967 Post Imminent? What to expect

1. Expect to see another, barely coherent post.

2. There'll be the usual scattering of randomly distributed punctuation.

3. Expect more of the same.

4. Like Angry Since 1967 on Facebook.

5. Tweet us on Twitter.

6. You won't believe what happens next.

7. A meme featuring a homily so open to interpretation, it would shame an astrologer.

8. See number 6 again.

9. Repeat until the last stars evaporate as the Universe slowly decays into entropy.

10. Something about checking back here for more updates.

10 years of Angry Since 1967

http://angrysince1967.blogspot.co.uk/2006/08/and-so-it-begins.html

Let the celebrations commence

Welcome to Fear. Part XXXI

Death by Bagpipe 

Angry Since 1967 to be Angry Since 1968? Ten things you MUST know

1. As usual with these things I'll start with a leading headline to make you click. A headline that I won't even attempt to address in the body of the article. 

2. I'm already padding out the ten things you MUST know. Recently a car website trailed a story as 10 performance cars for less than £5000 and then proceeded to list 10 cars that started at £7000

3. Is it now time for a question that won't be answered? 

4. I'll now post something transparently obvious about the site. It's called Angry Since 1967.

5. Is it time for another question?

6. I'll mention the problems with the current iteration, problems that only became apparent the second a rumoured update was mentioned, but are now so blindingly irritating that it renders the current version unusable. 

7. Something vague - it might rain

8. Another question? 

9. An exhortation to check back to this site for further updates - sorry "exclusive reveals" 

10. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. 

Rumoured Updated AS1967 Rumours Updated

Rumours of a new AS1967 product launch gathered pace when patent documents, seemingly referring to an updated version, were leaked onto the web. The blueprints, which appeared on Clickbait Technology News (CTN) show several unexpected features, including a new turbo encapulator, a smaller front deflector array, an enhanced sub-Tachyon pulse dispersal pattern and a reversal in the polarity of the neutron flow.

Connor Tist, expert at CTN said these improvements would help drive traffic to his website. "While there's likely to be no real benefit, or tangible improvements over the existing iteration of the product, the carefully conditioned insecurity of current users mean that even the negligible differences it has, will be enough to drive upgrade sales of this item. Sales which will stoked by spurious claims and misleading headlines we'll conjure from thin air, simply to be uncritically regurgitated by automated news aggregator sites…..And you won't believe what happened next…"

"New Craze" warnings issued

A host of hitherto unknown groups, flocked to get their ten minutes in the sunshine by releasing ominous warnings about the perils of the latest craze, sweeping the planet. The latest craze, which came to a head this week, has already been blamed for a shortage of peanut butter, an increase in lewd behaviour, lax morals, a spike in petty criminality, the internet to slow, the late running of the Newtownabbey Town bus service, a decrease in llama fertility...

You know the form. I go off on one. But the point remains. Why do organisations think they have to offer some sort of expert advice about something that, not three days ago, they were completely unaware of? 

And why is their advice uncritically reported? Sudden expertise is bestowed upon them, when their "expertise" is, at best, improvised.  

It's like everyone has to get their tuppence worth in. Yes, I am aware of the irony. 

Even now, I can see a sad face picture in a newspaper when someone blames the latest craze for fuck knows what, or how it's been banned, or how it should be banned, or how it's gone viral and the rest, as it cycles the well worn, predictable and inevitable path to the destination marked "no longer a craze". A trip strewn with the debris of previous former crazes - a few disconsolate Rubik Cubes, unused ice buckets, frayed Teletubbies, the burnt out remains of hover boards, discarded Tamagotchi's, "as new" Nintendo Wii's  and several hundred thousand unread Dan Brown novels. 

Until the decks are cleared. And something new to fixate and or blame comes along. 

There, I said It

"Alien" is a plodding snorefest only slightly redeemed by one memorable scene. A scene which has now been rendered impotent by repetition and parody.

There, I said it.

"Fail Safe" is a much better film than "Dr Strangelove"

Video Streaming Boost Video Cassette Sales*

Video streaming sites are helping to drive sales of video cassettes, made up research suggests. Half of consumers say they have watched a movie online before buying a Video Cassette copy, according to a story where I've substituted video for music. The behaviour is more common for people who use ad-funded services such as YouTube, suggesting free videos can drive real-world sales. But 48% of people who bought video cassettes last month admit they have yet to play it. Seven million per cent of those surveyed say they do not even own a VCR.

"I have videos in my room but it's more for decor. I don't actually play them," Justin Kitchen, a student in Manchester, told us. "It gives me the old-school vibe. That's what video's all about," he added.

"Younger fans increasingly discover film on digital but collect on VHS, Betamax, Video 2000 and especially Philips N1700. Bob Cheese, from the Association of Rental Shops (England) said "Others say they buy video cassettes to support their favourite stars, while 50% of consumers identify themselves as "collectors". "It's so easy to watch things on YouTube, I think we're yearning for the times of our parents where you had to go out of your way to rent a film," said a student. "It's really nice to have an object that you can hold and physically play," agrees another, an 18-year-old from Kingston, who has started using her father's old Sanyo VTC5000 Betacord VCR. "I also think it's important to support stars financially if you can. I like it if someone puts effort into making a release look special."

The resurgence in video cassettes during a period of declining sales has been one of the video industry's more surprising success stories.

In 2014, several VHS cassette were purchased by video fans as demand increased for an eighth successive year - climbing 64% to a 21-year high.

Official Charts Company figures suggest the rise has continued in 2016, with a few V2000 cassettes sold in the first three months of the year, accounting for almost 3% of products purchased by vacuous hipsters.

The Video Cassette revival has been spurred by Video Cassette Day - which started last year as a means of helping video libraries. This year's event takes place on Saturday 16 April and sees video libraries around the UK stocking several of one-off video tapes. There will be tape releases from film stars including Jean Claude van Damme, Charles Bronson, Judge Reinhold, Steve Guttenberg, and Michael Dudikoff.

Bearded men in lumberjack shirts are more likely to visit a bricks-and-mortar video library than women, the figures suggest, but there has been an increase in the number of women buying videotapes. "About 8% of said men have bought a video tape in the last month, and that's been fairly constant over the last three of four years," says Ernie Wiseman, head of ICBM Limited. "Back in 2013, only 3% of women who wear lumberjack shirts bought a video and that's risen to 5% in the last year - so we're starting to see that gap close." However, he added: "It is still the case that less than 1 in 10000000 people are buying video, and we shouldn't forget that, despite the crowing hype to the contrary it's still a tiddly part of the market."

What tastemakers say about video cassettes

Joke Bigg

"I stream video because it's such a handy tool that, if somebody mentions a film, you can get it up straight there on your phone. And if I really like it, I will go out and buy the movie. I like Super VHS. The video waves, they're not electronic. There's something satisfying about it for the brain, I think."

Sir Eton Mess

"People don't have the attention span they used to. In the old days, you could put 8 hours of MTV Rocks on a single VHS cassette and people would sit there and really watch. People don't do that anymore."

Shazam Louis (All Paints)

"I still buy VHS. It's like books. I want to own the book, turn the pages. I'm quite old school like that. In fact, I don't even like considering it old school. It should be contemporary."

Edwin Burger: Chairman, Japanese Corporation Who Invented Betamax™ Music

"You will find people that are having a paid streaming subscription and at the same time buying video cassettes and I do believe that's not an uncommon pattern. I think streaming is for the convenience and, for some music fans, Betamax™ is for the experience."

Mick Juice (The Scythes)

"With VHS cassettes, you're buying the whole package. And sometimes they tell a whole story. Even the tape mistracking was important. Depending on what you'd seen before, we'd make the cassette mistrack because it forced you to get up off your fat hole and footer with the tracking wheel."

Carly Judy Jetson

"I prefer VHS and Betamax. I like to look at the box. My favourite film is Van Damme's "Bloodsports" - the one with the fighting in it. My family always used to watch that one."

James Morrison's

"I still like buying a physical tape and looking at the back of the box. It's nice to have a connection physically to something you own, rather than it being in the cloud somewhere online."

Juff Candlestickmaker: Chief executive, UK Videographic Industry

"Younger fans increasingly discover on digital but collect on video tape. [They] appreciate the immediacy and convenience of services such as You Tube, Apple and Showbox to discover and enjoy a huge range of movies, but they still want to own and collect films by stars they truly love."

Jim Burgervan (The Chancers)

"It is an experience putting video tape in and watching the picture roll as the VCR tries to play the mangled tape of  "Trancers" - and I don't think that can ever really be matched with other formats. People have tried to get rid of video tape, but it keeps coming back."

*of course it bloody doesn't

Video Cassette Day 2016 Announced.

Video Cassette Day is the one day of the year when the UK's last few video libraries left come together to celebrate their unique culture and heritage.

Many films and documentaries are exclusively re-released on video cassette for the event, with several shops hosting exclusive screenings to mark the occasion.

Thousands more shops celebrate the day around the globe in what’s become the biggest annual event in the video library calendar.

The first Video Cassette Day was officially kicked off by an old Guild Home Video standee of straight-to-video favourite Charles Bronson in Stockton on Tees in 2015, and is now held every third Saturday in April.

Although there’s only one Video Cassette Day, we also work throughout the year to spotlight other special releases that are released on outmoded video formats, so check back for further updates about this auspicious occasion.

Welcome To Fear. Part XXX

Death by happiness

ANGRY SINCE 1967 STEEL BOOK EDITION ANNOUNCED

After feverish speculation, Angry Since 1967 confirmed it will be releasing a Steel Book edition of its much loved blog (pictured) 

Speaking exclusively to Angry Since 1967, Angry Since 1967 said "the contents of the Steel Book Edition will be exactly the same as the ordinary version, but held within a box generically referred to as a "Steel Book". Fans can be assured we have followed industry practice and are happy to confirm zero effort has been expended on this release. It is simply an exercise in fleecing the gullible into buying the exact same item again, just because it's been packaged slightly differently. We will, of course, be charging a premium price for this release. So make sure you buy it. 



Or else". 

Fans "outraged" as products without a "Star Wars" tie-in are launched.

                                               

Questions have been "raised" after products were released today, NOT featuring a "Star Wars" tie-in. Instead the products, which are generic processed foods, just have the brand name, a description and a slightly optimistic picture of the contents complete with the words "Serving Suggestion" on the packaging. 

Outraged "Star Wars" fans reacted angrily to the launch. Many took to Twitter to complain, while others painted their arses blue and waved them at the passing traffic, while making light sabre-esque swooshing and humming noises. 

Adult child, Luke Solo, 53 self-declared Jedi Ambassador to the forest moon of Endor, said he was "appalled". "At this auspicious time, when a new chapter in the Star Wars saga is released, isn't it reasonable to expect every single product lining the shelves, be they condoms or bog rolls, dog food or sweeties, to be emblazoned with a "Star Wars" tie-in? Remember, many Boothan's died for this. And the absence of any "Star Wars" branding on these products is simply an outrageous and calculated slur to their memory. Frankly, that they couldn't even Wedge in an oblique reference to these films says much about the contempt this manufacturer has for the Force. And I'm not the only one who finds their lack of faith, disturbing"

Leading comedian, and Edinburgh Fringe Festival fixture, Tedium Panelshow said, "Stay on target, that's no Moon, It's a trap. I got a little cooked, but I'm okay. Use the Force, Luke". These comments were greeted with much appreciative smirking. Recalling the first time, twenty years ago, a comedian spouted random, out of context "Star Wars" dialogue for comedic effect, fan Rick Tusgrin said "that just doesn't get old" adding "holding her is dangerous" he chortled, before immediately getting a gig writing a Hollywood summer blockbuster that is now due for release in 2016.

"Rare" Angry Since 1967 articles "Saved for The Nation"

Following a long campaign, rare Angry Since 1967 articles have been saved for the nation. This follows fears the collection, containing drafts and unpublished blog posts, would pass into foreign ownership. The campaign, which raised several pence, announced it had secured the documents for posterity. Speaking to the press, AS1967 said "this is fantastic news. Foreign ownership could have meant these posts never seeing the light of day. Now, while they will still never see the light of day, at least the light of day they won't be seeing is in the UK"

On the news "We Have Explosive" by 90s Ambient giants "Future Sound of London", re-entered the singles chart at number 195.   

AS1967 to be delivered by Drone

AS1967 announced to a shocked media, that it will be the World's first blog delivered by Drone. Speaking at the annual AS1967 Conference, Angry Since 1967 claimed "we've always been at the forefront of bandwagons. We tweeted, twerked, prinked, happy-slapped, memed, viralled, kickstarted, crowd sourced, flash-mobbed, You-Tubed, Liked and even Woollarded, before any of our competitors even knew what these were. Now, as the globe stands poised on the cusp of next media circle fuck, we at Angry Since 1967 make the paradigm shift real. This blog will be the first delivered by Drone. "Droning" will redefine the social media ecosystem and render everything else obsolete."

Following the announcement speculation mounted as to how this would be actually delivered or what the precise mechanics of this would entail. Would, for example Drone's despatch copies of the blog directly to subscribers? If so, how would that work exactly? Will they need a licence to fly these Drones? Does the CAA need to be informed? And what happens if there is a catastrophic failure? Wouldn't they need to have a single person allocated to fly each Drone? Will they be controlled from line of sight or remotely? And if remotely, again how would that work? Will they be flown from central control room? Will the deliveries be any quicker? Won't the Drone only be able to deliver one thing at a time before it has to fly back to base - where ever that base may be located? Are they allowed to fly these Drone's during the hours of darkness? Isn't likely to be more expensive to build an entirely new and (frankly) unnecessary infrastructure to support this mechanism when a very efficient delivery system already exists? Won't the public end up paying more for delivery? Why not just use the Post Office?  And a whole host of other questions which no-one has bothered asking, let alone answering. Dismissing these queries as "old media, obstructionist thinking" AS1967 said "trust me, it will just work" 

Shares in Bebo stiffened on the news

Controversial TV Show FAILS to Trigger Social Media STORM!

Broadcasters are reeling today after last night's deeply controversial TV programme didn't generate a single indignant tweet, complaining email or the much anticipated social media furore. The show which claimed CENSORED had REDACTED over the past year. It also featured REMOVED FOR LEGAL REASONS showing WITHHELD and SUBJECT OF A SUPER INJUNCTION engaged in EXPUNGED. The photograph's accompanying the documentary were indescribably graphic, featuring scenes of vile depravity. 

The programme makers claimed "we'd gone out of our way to be offensive. Tastelessly so. And what do we get? Nothing. Not a single, solitary, frigging word. Our hashtag #deliberatelyoffensiveanddesignedpurelytoprovokeanangryaresponse is the first, on record, to get minus retweets. The bastards"

Leading Social Media commentator Foe O'Utrage, who last week was quoted as an expert on something entirely unrelated, claimed "Something vaguely plausible, dropping in some "on trend" buzzwords which leave you ultimately none the wiser" 

On the news, not much changed. 

AS1967 disappears in a puff of "metaphysical, post modernism"

Today, millions of social media users will post links to vaguely satirical websites. The link, which drops you onto a pop-up demanding that you "like us on Facebook NOW! You WILL buy one of our fucking T-shirts. Or BOOK. OR ELSE!!!" and which otherwise obscures an article that, once the X button to dismiss is located, barely raises a smirk.

Pun Name who represents a long established fortnightly satirical magazine claimed these sites would "hasten the death of paid-for satire". "Our corporate sponsors demand circulation. If this declines due to the easy availability of free satire, then where else will hedge funds and investment bankers advertise? People simply don't realise the human consequences of clicking a link to The Daily Spud or The Bunion".

Another commentator warned the unregulated proliferation of such sites meant global satire reserves were on the brink of "exhaustion". "We've already seen this happening to the comedy market, where resources are now so scarce, even people like Andy Parsons and Sarah Millican have been able to eke out successful careers as stand-ups" 

On the news, irony announced it had postponed building its long promised bypass.  

Report Warns 76% Increase in Health Warnings Coinciding With Reports about Health Warnings.

The increase in health warnings associated with reports revealing warnings about previously unknown health dangers is likely to continue, warns a report commissioned by the British Health Warning Association (BMWA). The report also warns the recent spate of health warnings which "coincide" with reports warning about the health dangers of things otherwise previously thought to be healthy, pose a threat to health. 

Responding to these findings a leading Doctor claimed it would "just be easier for everyone if you lobbed yourself off a tall bridge into the face of an oncoming express train"

Shares in frog spawn remained unchanged on the revelations. 

Welcome To Fear. Part XXIX

Death by Height 

New POST ON AS1967! ELDERS REACT

Of course they fucking don't. Nor do youngsters. Or whoever else happens to be pictured. 

Yet extravagantly pulled faces, contorted by repeated posing, will persuade you otherwise. Especially if you have the intellectual capacity of an unbuttered toasted wheaten farl

Something "Bad For Business"

A leading business expert claimed something was "bad for business" and was costing the UK an estimated £1 billion pounds per day. They said "this whatever it is, is really bad for business, and it's costing business an estimated £1 billion per day". When pressed as to how the £1 billion figure was arrived at, the spokesman gazed into the middle distance, then pointed and shouted "Look. Madonna!", using the momentary confusion this caused to make his escape. 

These latest claims come hard on the heels of other recent blows to business, each of which have cost business equally huge sums of money. Sickness, absenteeism, most kinds of weather, the minimum wage, maternity leave, the education system, the UK's Time Zone, red tape, not being in the Euro, continued membership of the EU, leaving the EU, the maximum working week, toilets breaks, smoke breaks, the smoking ban, the internet, all social media,especially Facebook, traffic jams, late trains, the Tube (London Only), Health and Safety legislation, political correctness, planning regulations, lightly reheated blog posts, the Banks, product labelling, skirt lengths, the metric system, recycling requirements and "everything" have all been blamed for something. 

One leading economist, commenting on these claims said "I wish these fuckers would just shut their miserable, gurning cakeholes" 

Welcome To Fear. Part XXVIII

Death by skinny jeans

Reduced to the mean.

Faux outrage.
Ominous warnings.
Aggrandising stunts.
A witless homily.
Pastel coloured, pencil sketched teddy bear pictures.
Something about wine.

Sight Unseen - James Bond "Spectre" Reviewed*

Although the box office success of "Skyfall" was roundly welcomed, there was a lingering sense that the film itself didn't quite live up to the usual standards of the Bond franchise. Lazy plotting and a nonsensical final third left many with a faint sense of disappointment. Well the good news is that "Spectre" is a stunning return to form, with all the gadgets, car chases, beautiful girls and stunts restored to their rightful places. Although the story, a somewhat convoluted mismatch of contrivances, coincidences and explosions, doesn't quite reach the peaks of "Live and Let Die", it doesn't plumb the depths of "Goldeneye". 

There is much for the Bond aficionado to enjoy, with some subtle nods to the past, and enough energy to entertain even more casual fans. Daniel Craig delivers a steely performance, displaying yet again why he best epitomises the "thug in a hand made suit" which Ian Flemming's archetype demands. There is also much to admire in the performances of the supporting cast. Dave Bautista's "Mr Hinx" joins the long list of memorable Bond henchmen, although it is something of a disappointment how little screen time he actually gets. Still what do they say? "Leave the audience wanting more?" Christoph Waltz plays a more restrained, modern villain than the clichéd Bond baddie, more likely to browse his phone than to evilly stroke a cat. But he still harbours crazed global ambitions. Ralph Fiennes does what he can with the material but, as his character is so lightly sketched, there's not a lot for him to work with. Which is unfortunate, given the pivotal nature of the role. 

Of course all the usual Bond boxes are ticked, Q's gadgets, glaring product placement, purely decorative female co-stars introduced to be killed and / or laid by Bond, and a theme song performed by the first singer who heaved into view. 

And the verdict? This is a Bond film whose reputation will decline between initial release and the release of the next Bond film which will, in turn, be hailed as a "stunning return to form" after the disappointment of "Spectre". 

Rating ****  

*Of course it bloody isn't. I've cobbled this together from the cast list and synopsis on IMDB. But it could be an actual review. Or, more accurately, it will be an actual review once the thing is released. And, I rather suspect, this will be just as insightful as anything produced by a reviewer who actually watches it.    

They are. Because.

Fizz Pub - The beer selection consists of a depressing array of interchangeable Lagers

Fun Pub - The final throw of the dice before the publican sues for bankruptcy. 

Student Pub - See Fun Pub. Only more run down. Can also be a Crafty. Will feature badly attended "Open Mic" nights.

Plub - By day, a fuck-awful place with aluminium furniture, an over ambitious but entirely microwaved lunch menu and a cacophony of shite beers. By night? The same place, but with the furniture removed, replaced with a dick on a turntable playing banging tunes to an empty room. Usually called "Zone", "Fuse" or "Roxy". Will have over zealous door staff

Vertical Drinking Establishment (VDE) - A cross between a Plub and Fizz Pub. There are no seats. Everyone stands drinking pissy lager. It will smell of vinegar. 

Otherspoon's - A half-arsed cover version of a Wetherspoon's. But not as good. 

Vinegar Pub - The establishment is soaked in the permanent aroma of mouldy vinegar, a hangover from the lunch / dinner menu which consists of something plus chips. May be transformed into a Plub or a VDE at the stroke of 8 O'clock. 

Crafty - It was called "Fuse". Suddenly they've discovered critrusy IPA. Ubiquitous beards. "Hipster Lumberjack" describes the clientèle and the house ale on draught. 

Mock Mick's - A traditional Orish Pub,which is unlike any actual pub in Ireland. Staffed by Australians. Road signs perpetually identify Galway as being 60 Km away. The words "Pogue" and "Mahone" will feature. As does a psychopathic insistence of on "the craic". 

The Wacky Combo - See "The Dog And Kango Hammer" or "Cholera and Oranges". A pub which can't work out what the fuck it is so, depending on the alignment of the stars, it lurches between a Plub, VDE or an Otherspoons. Or all three. At once. 

Girly Chain - One type of beer, usually an Italian brand brewed under licence. Somewhere for Cynthia and Esme to safely gossip about their work makes over a £4 bottle of Prosecco they've been charged £20 for. 

Angry Since 1967 Announces Entirely Different Perpetual List Of Bands You Must Listen To Next Year (2015) which is completely separate from its other Perpetual List Of Bands To Hear Next Year

There'll also be an awards ceremony next December, where the people they've spent the previous year hyping win another empty frigging trophy. 

Shit like this is beyond depressing. Jools Holland and fucking Glasto? Is that what the vast pantheon of Human hopes and fears as expressed by music gets reduced to? A dreary procession of sameness, sludged out with metronome predictability, purely for the delight of witless TV presenters and "tastemakers"? 

Is it any wonder popular music is in the doldrums? 

Where is it?

MYSTERY surrounds the non-appearance of AS1967's "Perpetual List Of Bands To Hear Next Year". The announcement, generally seen as the only counter-balance to the wearisome procession of end - year lists and new year predictions, has been delayed for reasons which have not as yet become clear. Suggestions persist that AS1967 has become bored with it. Sources close to the blog deny this, claiming the issue relates to a lack of a suitably caustic trophy design, after tests with an inner bog roll tube didn't live down to expectations. "It actually looked like a plausible trophy" the source claimed "and there was a chance, however remote, someone would miss the point"

Photobombed randoms traded up on early business as liketivists selfie'd viral memes on this rumournews.    

New Post TEASER IMAGE Released!!

There's a silence surrounding me...

Apt.

Previously I mentioned Pink Floyd's "The Division Bell" had been released in a box set, complete with surround sound, high resolution version of the album. Conveniently priced at the rate of "a complete frigging rip off". 

Out of the blue, they then released said album in surround on a stand-alone DVD, which I confidently ordered from the Pink Floyd website. Expectations were high. 

A fortnight later they cancelled my order, announcing they weren't pressing any more discs. That was the end of that. Of course all this did was piss me and others off and provide an immediately lucrative new product for ebay skelpers (or is it scalpers? I think I prefer the former) to profiteer from. It is now possible to buy this single disc for more than the already extortionately priced deluxe box set. 

Either way, and I know they don't need the money, Pink Floyd lose. They don't get a sale from me and the others who wanted the disc, they don't get any additional cash from the skelpers, and they end up just forcing those who wanted to buy the thing, to investigate the deep recesses of the internet in the off-chance an anticipatory back-up might appear. And who knows what else they might find, that they could have alternatively bought? 

It is utter folly. 

This is to certified that this post has been passed

So I took advantage (if "advantage" is the right word) of a discounted subscription* to Empire, the self-styled "World's Leading Movie Magazine". There's £18 I'm not getting back. It has a routine it slavishly sticks to; preview the movie, then ramp up the hype until, in the the month of its release, they print a series of oleaginous interviews with the director and the "stars", before delivering a four star review, which will be revised upwards or downwards depending on how the wind has blown in the intervening months between its cinematic and home video release. Interspersed between the emptiness are cuddly, thumbs aloft, yet somnolent interviews where never a critical word is issued or a pointed question is asked, "funny lists" and retrospectives of films they now pretend they liked.  

And repeat until the Universe is a dilute gaseous stew of decaying protons 

 

*They produce a "Limited Edition Collectors Cover" magazine especially for subscribers. It usually features a photoshopped PR still from the film they've just spent the last couple of months plugging. They are marvellous. No. Wait. That's wrong. What's the opposite of "marvellous?"    

Odds and Sods - Extreme Dispensation Volume 1

Previously I've riled against ebay skelpers artificially inflating the price of out of print SACDs. It seems they have laid the foundations for the record industry to apply the same logic to other high resolution or surround releases. Pink Floyd have announced "The Division Bell" will soon be available on blu-ray - high resolution, surround sound - the works. Unfortunately it can only be purchased as part of a limited (apt) edition box set (which helpfully includes a set of branded coasters) costing £140. To misquote - you gotta be crazy, got to be able to pick out the rip off's with my eyes closed. 

Of course Record Shop Day has triggered this avalanche of limited editions. The last one was notable for some bands releasing stuff on audio cassette. Me? My new album will be only be available on CED and will be attached to the side of the next NASA mission to the outer planets. 

Up yours Green Day. 

More More More

which sounds like a Thatcherite Stewarts advertisement...

The whole craft beer? Vile tasting, soapy IPA, commanding a 100% premium over superior non-craft beer, aimed at idiots with retro-Victorian beards and lumberjack shirts. I don't know what is worse, mass produced stuff with only a passing resemblance to beer, or hand crafted, artisan ales which taste like a pint of Lemon Fairy Liquid someone has accidentally stubbed a Woodbine out in? 

Or maybe I do. 

I bought a Sunday Newspaper today and "The Observer" reminded me why I don't. Some "commentator" gurning about pizza, lauding £900 handbags on page 9, a column called "Ethical Living" on page 51 and more which is too fucking depressing in its vacuous hypocrisy to even list. Of course the question is - who is any of this guff relevant to? Or does it purely exist to validate itself and the shovel handed wabs who write it?

Ah. The truth reveals itself.

Genuinely? I do not give one single, solitary flaying fuck about who wins which award for anything. Nor do I give a rats arse why you think someone else should have won. Or not won. There's a word for it, or at least there is now for these irrelevances. They are entirely disimportant.   

And breathe. 

Google is having one of its periodic "doesn't work properly in Opera" phases, making posting this nearly as much of a ball ache as reading.it.  

Welcome To Fear. Part XXVII

Death by Cooked Meat

Blergh!

Predatory celebrities and facebook crazes. And raunchy videos, made by crowdsourced hipsters, triggering kickstarted flashmobs, instagramed on iphones by Tweeting twerkers. 


It's enough to drive me to prink. 

Let the buyer beware

What they say and what they mean. 

Special purchase - Cheap tat purposely made to be offered as a "special purchase"

Huge Savings - Against deliberately inflated prices.

Typical Selling Price - An inflated price designed to make the saving look better. The term "typical selling price" or its close relative "suggested" are a misdirection, designed to befuddle the recommended retail price legislation. 

Buy 3 for 2 - The price for two, is the price three were before the offer started. 

If you see a suspiciously expensive, yet under specified product, it is likely to be being price established. This allows the retailer to offer a legitimate yet entirely misleading saving at a later date.

Save up to 50% - There is a proportion of products that must have had this saving applied, however these items usually consist of high margin, low ticket priced items, and goods that have been through the price establishing process. 

Prices Match Guarantees. Cached in exclusions, the most common in the electrical sector being the "exclusive model" get out. The addition, substitution or removal of a model number prefix / suffix is enough to make an otherwise identical model different, meaning the price match will not apply. The delivery options must also be the same. So if the competitor doesn't offer free delivery to the Moon on alternate transits of Venus, then I'm sorry we can't match that price, 

Fully Guaranteed Exchanged Items / B Grade. Crap the manufacturers won't take back because a vital piece of polystyrene packing is missing. It will be intermittently faulty. 

Display Items - General. Poked and pawed at by hammer handed, ice cream eating children. It will have an additional and completely free layer of Mr Sheen. Parts will be missing. As will the box. And the instructions. And the power adapter you need. A replacement universal one will be provided, the use of which invalidates the warranty. 

Display Items - Requiring a remote control. If, by some miracle you do get the correct remote there will be the remnants of brown tape over the battery cover. It will also look like it has been a comforter for a teething Staffordshire bull terrier. More likely, the remote you get is a "best guess remote". Half the functions won't work but you've been assured a replacement has been ordered. It will never arrive. 

Display Items - Computers. The cursory attempt to remove the Shop Demo by the instore “experts” will result in there being at least two administrator accounts on your nominally new machine, one of which you’ll never be able to remove. Any trial software, pre-installed on the machine (crap and all as it is) will have long since expired, meaning you will be festooned with pop-ups reminding you it has expired. As they no longer supply an operating system disk which, would allow you to do a full restore, you are reduced to uninstalling this infernal crap, leaving behind rogue registry keys, file associations and odd documents referring to someone's "boobies".

Managers Specials – You’d be better advised taking your chances in the electrical product recycling skip at your municipal dump. 

The Return Volume 3

So.

The usual. 

Spar branded salt is labelled as "suitable for vegetarians". 

Sainsbury's "Half Turnips" are £1.50. Their whole Turnips are 75p.

The I newspaper's  Arts and Entertainment coverage has been proclaimed as "new and improved". Pointing the contradiction inherent in the claim resulted in a ban from the comments section. 

It's hard to square "Private Eye's" fortnightly howling at the BBC, with its editor's continued participation in the BBC's "Have I Got News For You".

As is its continued howling about bankers with the advertisements in its pages for Lloyd's Private Banking Services.

Odds and Ends.

When retailers say "sale ends soon" I wonder do they mean an imperial soon or a metric one? 

I've resumed my struggle with DLNA.  I bought a nice client, wired up my blu-ray player and waited for the fireworks. As concepts go flawed doesn't even come close to describing it. For example, its inability to deal with albums with tracks which fade into each other. Now, depending on the DLNA client you use, and the format the music has been ripped in, it is possible to avoid 

"So let me introduce to you the one and only Billy Shears... 

Silence.
Pause.
Delay.
More silence.
A longer pause.
A bit more delay.

...Billy Shears" 

But only after an inordinate amount of footering. As it sits, DLNA is unusable. 

Dixon's have posted more comedy sales figures and results which boil down to "if you ignore all our losses we made a profit." They've a year, 18 months tops. They'll not go bust as such, more likely they'll have their supplier insurance removed or hiked up. The end will come shortly after. Indeed it would not surprise me if suppliers were already hedging their bets and delivering directly to the customer rather than use Curry’s infrastructure.

 Recently there was a shocking exposé which revealed celebrity experts are completely useless at solving issues. No surprises from this quarter. Of course their utter inadequacy hasn't prevented the BBC from running a programme where "celebrity chef(s)" solve UK food poverty. They even had the big event at the end when they triumphantly present their budget feast to a motley a collection of ne'er do well's as I've ever seen, selected to appear at the end of a shite, celebrity centric, TV show*. Because appearing at the end of shite, celebrity centric, TV show's is all they are famous for. Needless to say they all pouted and declared the food "lovely" and pledged their support** - for as long as the camera was there anyway. 

The most recent instalment featured one intrepid chef, tasked with making budget fish and chips, flying off to Norway to select the ingredients. And you thought shopping at Waitrose was excessive. Clearly this isn't aimed at the impoverished single mum, forced to go hungry so her children can eat, but rather those stricken individuals who can no longer afford fresh Fennel and are forced to buy the dried stuff.

*There is a subset of celebrities who exist purely to fill the role of attendees in shows such as this. Of course this is nothing new. Watch any "An Audience With" and gaze in wonder at Wincey Willis and Rusty Lee. 


** They'd also roped along some Supermarket representatives who committed themselves to, well nothing really. Just once I'd like one of them to turn around and tell the instigators that no they won't be supporting this, as it has nothing to do with the notional cause it supposedly embraces, but is in fact a lot of self serving shit. 

Update.

Writers block. It even touches those who aren't writers. Hence the lack of updates. 

Odds and Sods - Ultimate Redux Volume II

Do we really need another interminable of series of slappable wannabies performing outlandish and irrelevant stunts to win a job working for a company whose entire business is producing 23rd rate junk foisted upon an unsuspecting public by a supplier of multi-channel TV?

Or another interfering, bubble permed, busy body deemed an "expert" because the previous one, who now believes selling her brand (and only her brand) of frilly knickers will save the High Street, fucked off to Channel 4?

Or more "consumer champions" proffering advice which seems to consist of "shop during the sales" or "if you ask some hapless sap for a discount while being filmed by a C4 camera crew you are more likely to get it" or "set up a money saving website site then sell it for millions" 

Or idiots who think
a) Companies are unable to sell fashionable or desirable consumer durables as "new" if the box has been opened. 
b) That rather than offer these items at a reduced price in one of their outline stores they will, instead, give them away for free. 
c) And that the best way for them to decide who should get these freebies is by picking someone who has shared a picture of said product on Facebook. 

Or another fucking "comedy show" featuring two performers whose qualification for getting a show seems to be the university they went to?