Today's figure pulled out of "Cost to the Economy" hat is

£280m. Per day.

Welcome To Fear. Part VIII

Death by recycled cardboard.

Welcome To Fear. Part VII

At last we know the answer to the question Dr Pepper posed. 

Yeah I know...

I want to move home. Location dependent on TV show. 

I want to stay at home, but it needs a lick of paint. Any chance? 

I've an old watch. How much will you give me for it? 

I've £20 to spend on junk at a car boot sale. Can someone help me choose something I can then sell on for a profit?

I can win money playing 50/50 or participating in a quiz where the odds are completely loaded against me. 

I think this celeb is great / bad because of something in today's paper. 

Once hailed as the most important US import on TV.

I've invited complete strangers around for dinner so I can win money.  

I've had an accident and I wasn't to blame. Can anyone help?

I want to know where I can get the best deal on insurance?  

Something more important than what we are currently reporting on is scrolling across the bottom of the screen. Look! More breaking news!

Cookery. 

More cookery. 

Rerun of twee UK crime show. 

And now the Six O'clock News.

And repeat 5 days a week.   

Today's figure pulled out of "Cost to the Economy" hat is

£27 Billion

Just One Other Thing

When TV stations can't think of anything to fill their schedules with they simply dust down old episodes of US Cop shows and hope no-one notices.

And so, finding myself in a similar position, You Tube let's me do the same.  

Angry Since 1967 Costs UK Economy Tens Of Pence.

A leading financial organisation claimed Angry Since 1967 was costing the UK economy 30p a week in time otherwise used for more productive things like watching TV, scratching your hole, or wondering if you've left the iron on. Their chief economist said "We've calculated that the time wasted reading Angry Since 1967 costs the UK economy some 30p a week. You'll note this figure is neither 29p nor 31p but exactly 30p. And if that doesn't tell you all you need to know then no amount of hinting will make it clear. I mean come on. Isn't it obvious? We just pluck these figures out of the air. It doesn't matter if it's the cost of bad weather, money wasted by people having a shit or time spent on Angry Since 1967, no-one ever asks the fundamental question of "how precisely did you work that out?" Instead they simply accept the figures we publish and build the story to fit. Yes we, and our colleagues in other companies, may have the word "Economics", "Finance", "Consultancy" or "Analyst" in our organisations name but that doesn't mean you should simply take every single word issued as the unchallengeable gospel truth. I mean, come on? No one can, with any real accuracy, know how much it costs the economy when it snows. Or rains. Or when it didn't snow. Or rain. Yet we can. To the nearest round figure. The laughs we've had watching as the media report the bollox we produce as if it was based on tangible, methodical research. Consider this. Do you think a large commercial organisation would really devote the necessary resources of time and money to produce figures they know will never be challenged? Or that adverse weather conditions somehow don't impact us, meaning that while everyone else shivers, we have the resources in staff and time to produce figures based on painstaking research?"

 When asked what the future held the spokesman said "We'll be releasing figures next next week which will make for interesting reading. We've quantified the the cost to the economy of these "cost to the economy" reports. We estimate it to be in the region of at least £37 million, or £5 million, or £5.40, although the final figure won't be known until we pick it out of our big hat". 

More than words*.

Odd one this. I have that feeling I should be posting something more substantial than another "oo-ee look at the fearmongering bollox on the BBC website" but, and this is a shocking admission, I can't think of anything. So this post is about nothing. It is a phantom, a notion of a post. I'm sure you can imagine how it would go. Howling derision, impotent finger waggling and metaphorical eye rolling directed at some seemingly unimportant thing which I kid myself into thinking reveals an inner truth, but that actually doesn't reveal the truth (inner or otherwise) at all. Now some might claim that this post says more, by saying nothing at all, than my usual 500 word rants. And that's fair enough. But then I'd have to conclude that this nebulous "some" include followers of the noted Irish philosopher Ronan Keating amongst their number.

Exactly.   

*No. The other one. 

Welcome to Fear. Part VI

3D Television poses possible risk to health

Welcome To Fear. Part V

Death by Art installation

And win £200

With stuff like this and this appearing on it, I'd like to know when the BBC News site became an extension of "You've Been Framed?" 

Sorry about this...

But I can't let this go uncommented. HMV has had the terms of its credit insurance reviewed. Management Today  report it's actually been withdrawn from several of its key suppliers. As I was made redundant almost directly as the result the exact same thing happening to client of the company I used to work for, I can only imagine the ensuing panic this news has generated with HMV, despite their protestations to the contrary. 

If the vultures weren't already circling, then they are at least being fuelled and readied for flight. 

Recent Customer Service Failings on Angry Since 1967

Following recent revelations “Angry Since 1967” would like to assure its reader that Customer Service is something we only pay lip service when we have to. Further we will use a predictable excuse if our piss awful service is revealed on a TV consumer programme. To this end we’d like to assure our user the recent isolated problems which some people may have experienced are entirely due to the previous owners of this site, the staff have been retrained, the software glitch has been resolved, best practice guidelines have been issued, our supplier contracts have been renegotiated, and the people involved have been disciplined. We also acknowledge our culpability by admitting that a dog ate our corporate homeworks.

We treat all customer service complaints raised via TV consumer programmes entirely on the merits of how many people might watch the show. So if you are from a show on BBC1 shown on a weekday morning you might as well paint your arse purple and wave it at the passing traffic for all the good it will do. Alternatively if you appear at peak time on a minority channel, and have gone to the trouble of having a hidden camera secreted about your person and disguising yourself with a long wig so you can experience the shocking truth at first hand, we will still ignore your whinging.  At this point we'd recommend organising a march with placards to our Head Office. Here you will be refused admission, allowing for the entirely predictable shot of the presenter tutting about how no-one in the company seems interested in the not really very “shocking” issue they’ve uncovered. Thus allowing the presenter to achieve their ultimate goal – a career enhancing apotheosis to a “Consumer Champion”. If, to seal the deal, you require a picture of you being escorted from the premises by a security guard, let us know in advance and we can have a suitable individual in attendance to assist you in getting the required shot.  

While the public statements we make, when issues such as these come to light, will continue to have the veneer of contrition, you can be confident that however sincere they appear, we will continue to engage in these activities. Of course these practices will be subtly adjusted and redefined, but they will remain our policy until the next prune faced busy body sticks their interfering nose in, mistakenly believing they, unlike the preceding line of presenters who tried and failed, will be the person who stamps out these long established sharp practices once and for all. 

Statement Ends.

Saturday Night's Alright (For Posting).

You know that moment when you spot something so obvious that you haven't ever noticed it before? Well that's happened this evening. I've decided I now want a flat in warehouse conversion. Not because it may, or may not be a great place to live, but rather to move into the lucrative "somewhere to shoot the talking head to camera in a Top 100, Best Comedy Show or some other cheap bollox Channel 4 fill the long spaces in their schedules between "Come Dine With Me" and "Grand Designs". I'd even provide my own camera, saving them some cash. Christ if they were really skint I'd sit there and go "Fuck Stretch Armstrong / East 17 / Are You Being Served / Milli Vanilli, what was going on there?", while pretending to care what the fuck the show is about. If needs be I could probably scratch together a minor comedian who once appeared in a smug panel or a woman famous for baring all in Maxim just as that whole "Ladette" thing died on it's arse. 

Sorry I can't think of a title

There's a truism (and if there isn't there should be) that if you are bored writing something, then people will be bored reading it. And that's what I've realised about this stuff about HMV. So I'm going to give it a rest for a while. There's plenty else I can write about, such as the news the BBC are to produce yet another Charles Dickens adaptation. Something, I'm sure we all agree, we don't need. Its commissioning demonstrates a couple of things, the stultifying lack of imagination at the heart of UK TV drama and the vice like grip the public domain has on what we see on TV. I can't wait to miss it. 

The best "Odds and Ends" post in the World EVER (Volume 2)*

Just clearing the decks from 2010.

The Award for the Worst Recruitment Agency has been won by the agency discussed here. Of course I can't remember their name beyond that it had three names. So for convenience I've decided to name them "Barnyard, Cover And Loaf". Well done. You had some tough competition, and only the arrival of a conciliatory e-Christmas card from the other main contender clinched BC&L the award. 

As usual with these things there is an expectation to list the best of the previous year, not so much to demonstrate your taste, but rather prove how "in touch" you are. So the best album? The Divine Comedy album was patchy, featuring two great tunes, and a lot of filler. Chicane's "Giants" frustrated more than impressed. Honestly? Under the autotuned vocals and deliberate pastiches there is "something" interesting going on. But currently Chicane falls far short of the sum of its parts. So, by default, the best album I heard in the last year was Carbon Based Lifeform's "Interloper", who thanks to being Swedish, and being straddled with the worst name for a band since "Porcupine Tree", seem doomed to inhabit the unknown side of obscurity. Which is a pity as this album is darn good. As for the rest? Single, Movie, TV show, Day Of The Week? It hardly matters, beyond saying the good stuff was significantly outnumbered by the bad. 

I was going to post something about the new UK Comic "Clint". But having read it, I find I can't be arsed wasting more than these two sentences on something so piss poor**.  

Much has been written in the last couple of weeks about the decline (demise?) of HMV, mostly from a perspective harking back to some misty-eyed neverland when HMV was "better". Needless to say the reasons for HMV's decline have been squarely blamed on "internet piracy" and downloads, although some have noted that HMV's response to these challenges has left a moribund retailer with no clear identity and less idea of the niche it is supposed to fill. Of course, I'd argue that HMV are largely to blame for their own predicament, having utterly failed to realise how things have changed, People still want to buy music. But HMV just don't seem to be able comprehend this, preferring to devote space to products their competitors sell, usually more cheaply and in environments more conducive for the consumer to make a purchase. Case in point? I was fielding questions from woman about a Philips blu-ray player in my local HMV a couple of weeks before Christmas. So why did I assist? Simple. The poor guy who'd been approached by the customer had no idea about the product, what it did or why it was cheaper than one and more expensive than another. So rather than watch him flounder I helped. All those years spent in electrical retailing finally coming to someone's rescue. Now normally something like this would irk me. But in this instance I thought it just summed up HMV. They have products for sale, which unlike CD's or games actually need to be "sold" rather than simply be selected by the customer. And it's certainly not, in this instance, the employees fault that they don't know anything about a (seemingly at least) randomly selected consumer durable, or it's benefits beyond how much it costs. And that's the point. Why would they? Now if this had happened in a Currys I'd be howling in derision. But it's not Currys. It's HMV who, I'm forced to conclude, don't realise that people need to be guided as to why one consumer durable is better than another one, nor that during the decision making process the customer might just ask a member of staff for advice. While I can't judge whether this is typical or not, even this possibly isolated incident demonstrates the problems a retailer faces when they sell products outside their core range, and it strikes me even if this is atypical then they still haven't thought this expansion into selling other products through very well. If you can't sell a £99 Blu-ray player with a free copy of "The Expendables" without a third party helping what chance do they have selling those £270 headphones they stock? But I digress. 

Nor do HMV understand that their lead pricing promotion of 2 CDs for £10 harks back to a time when they only had to compete against other High street retailers, not the internet. The news they will start closing branches isn't very surprising, coming on the heels of last Summers change of ordering system which resulted (so I'm told) in a purge of stock. I suspect though, having had personal experienced an organisation attempting to survive by branch closures, that the actual savings they make won't be as much as they anticipate. Of course you can close a shop but, for example, if it is on a long term lease you'll still pay rent on the premises - empty or otherwise. Then there is the "actual" logistics of closing branches. Stock has to be moved, bills transferred (and the rest) before you even get to the inevitable cost of redundancies. Long term contracts with suppliers and the associated early termination fees can result in a situation where it makes just as much sense just to keep a place open***, but that rarely happens once the commitment to closure has been made. I suppose I'm missing the point. Closing branches does at least give the impression of doing something, even if in the short term it makes little difference to an organisations' bottom line. 

HMV's decline comes at the same time as an interesting development in Belfast. The arrival of a new CD retailer - a company called "Head". And, quite incredibly, they actually sell CDs. And not just chart stuff. They even pass the "Neu!" test, having the first two "Neu!" albums for sale at prices not a kick in the balls away from those on the net. Needless to say, even in my current skint state, my CD buying habit has kicked back in. (To give you an idea - I bought Oasis "Definitely Maybe", ABC's "The Lexicon Of Love" and REM's "Out Of Time" for a fiver. That's not a fiver each. That's three CD's for a fiver. That's what I thought as well). The fact is "Head" feels like a CD shop. Yeah they sell DVDs, but they also have a Vinyl section which makes me want to sort my old Rega Planar out once and for all. Honestly? It's well worth a visit. 

*Yeah my muse has returned. Along with my inability to string two coherent sentences together. I've lost count of the number of revisions I've made to this since I posted it earlier today. Even now I'm not happy with it, but I'm tired of trying to batter the English language into submission, so it will just have to do.  

**Just in passing it's nearly a year now since I stopped, after 33 years, buying 2000AD. A quick browse of the last issue doesn't make me any more inclined to start picking it up again, as it features amongst its stories, one stiffly drawn, illogical thing about a war between angels and demons, which was the very story which made me realise I was just buying 2000AD out of habit, rather than for enjoyment. Last year this story had one of the protagonists use a mobile phone in Hell. Now just get your head around that image for a moment. So how would that work? Presumably it means there is an entire mobile infrastructure in Hell, no doubt complete with call centres whose job is to sell demons upgrade handsets or contracts whilst at the same time deal with the usual customer service issues you'd associate with such a provision. You know crap reception, stolen phones and handsets dropped into fiery pits.. And surely it then follows that there would be Mobile phone shops as well. I mean where else would demons get their mobile phones from? Unless they send away for one via a small ad in the back of The Sun. If this was the case then Hell would need a postal service, or at least couriers for it to work. And then there is the more practical problem of how a mobile phone network would actually work in Hell. Would demons complain if someone built a mobile mast beside one of the pits of eternal damnation because it "spoilt the view"? Unless of course the mobile network works by Magick (which always has to be spelt with an extra "k" at the end when "evil's afoot"). But if that was the case why do they need handsets? With a dial for entering telephone numbers? It's utter nonsense. I mean can you imagine a "Carphone Warehouse" in Hell? I picture something just like the one in the Abbey Centre, albeit missing the overpowering smell of brimstone and employing slightly fewer damned souls. 

***Which is a tale in itself. Actually it's an entire book. Just to give you some indication of how bad things had gone a year or so before the end, there were multiple transactions being processed through where it would have been more profitable simply to hand the customer £20 out of the till before asking them to leave the shop. Of course transactions like this were automatically flagged up thanks to a clever bit of mucking about with Business Objects. I got a nice little email which I would investigate. By this point though the people you'd expect to be interested had long since passed caring. The company was haemorrhaging money so violently it had lost all sense of perspective. Two months after I'd left, the company, with 70 odd years worth of history, collapsed. No-one was surprised. 

Lost. One muse. Used rarely. Answers to Angry Since 1967. Please return if found.

You'd think, following the news HMV is staring into the abyss, I'd be able to bang out a quick 1000 word missive claiming "I told you so", while at the same time questioning the likely effectiveness of their "cure or kill" strategy to close branches and generally howling at how it was their short sighted insistence on blaming their decline on "internet piracy" rather than addressing HMV's own failings which led to this moment. But it doesn't. And how, after feck only knows how many attempts, I am precisely no closer to producing something coherent (that's Angry Since 1967 "coherent" which, as regular readers will know, is a much more malleable beast than real coherence) than I was the day the news broke. 

Exactly.

Welcome To Fear. Part IV

Death by Eggs

I've won a prize*

It's been a while (2007), so I've decided the time is right for Angry Since 1967 to win another award. And The Professor Stanley Unwin Prize was born. This award is in recognition for those whose clarity of thought is articulated in plain, concise English. It also acknowledges the contribution any blog called "Angry Since 1967" has made to the overall "blogosphere". Naming such an esteemed award in honour of an individual renowned for their incomprehensibility seems not only right, but entirely appropriate. The selection panel, made up of me, pondered as to which of the qualifying blogs should win this auspicious prize. However it quickly became clear only one filled the key criteria - being called "Angry Since 1967". This, taken together with the fact that the actual content (largely) consists of baffling rants, sentence construction bordering on the incomprehensible, and punctuation which takes the appearance of being randomly scattered around the page, renders "Angry Since 1967" as the obvious choice. I mean read back that last sentence. It's horribouncy incobobblybole.  

*I actually did win something though. A Budvar branded memory stick and a fleece. Let the festivities commence! 

Is the Fat Nipper Singing?

There have been a few occasions when I've thought that being, or seemingly at least, proved right is of little consolation. The news released today of HMV's spiralling sales decline suggests, sadly, they are facing the abyss. I want to make one thing absolutely clear. I don't want HMV to go bust, I don't want them to vanish off the High Street, but it looks like that is now a distinct possibility. As I've said before HMV doesn't know what it is any more. Music shop? Clothes Shop? Games Shop? Electronics store (I was in one the other day and they were selling headphones for £269.99. HMV trying to sell headphones at £269.99? Have they taken leave of their senses?) or a DVD Shop. As I said here "rather than work out what they do and what they are for, they, like a three year old with some fuzzy felt, are throwing things in the hope what sticks makes a nice picture."  

Things look grim. And while a turnaround is always possible, it's difficult to see where it is coming from. Perhaps a return to what they used to do might work, although unfortunately I suspect it might already be too late.  

 

A Week Without Mp3....Believe In Better. Or Closed.

Last October I blogged here about Sky Songs, a download / streaming service Sky had started. It seems my scepticism was well judged, as according to the BBC, it will be closing down in February. And here is the thing. As far as I can tell this a rare example of Sky getting something completely wrong. Their entire business model is predicated on consumers paying for third party content they deliver from within a paywall. Sky are many things, most of them not very appealing, but they do know how to run a subscription service. That they couldn't make this work sends a very clear message - streamed music services simply aren't viable, as consumers simply will not pay for them. How Spotify react to this is going to be very interesting. 

Meanwhile here is some "more" music

Welcome to Fear. Part Three

And another one. 
Death by Sunday roast

All Readers!! EXCITING NEWS INSIDE THIS ISSUE!!!

That's right pals, from next week we're welcoming our chums at "Monster Fun" to "Angry Since 1967." All your favourites will be here, plus some great new stories I know you'll love. Laughs are guaranteed as "Our Survey Says.....Exactly What We Want" and "A Week Without Mp3s" meet "Frankie Stein", "Martha's Monster Make-Up" and "Kid Kong". That's right! From next week "Angry Since 1967 and Monster Fun" is the only place you need for your fix of chortles and guffaws! And, as an extra special treat, we've a Twitter feed FREE for all our friends! And all these jolly japes and giggles aplenty are yours for just 6p! Remember mates, you don't want to miss your weekly fix of laughs, ghoulish goings on and depressing, wearying curmudgeonry, so place an order at your local newsagent NOW! 

AS1967 Revamp

Yeah I'm footering with the layout of the blog, as with all the archived posts it was becoming a pain to find things. I'm not entirely sure yet what I want to do, so expect an indeterminate time to pass before I work out what the hell I want it to look like. 

Exactly..... 

A Week Without mp3. Now in HD Sound. And available on iTunes.

I can't help noticing, but we appear to be in the middle of a concerted effort to rebrand the downloaded mp3 facsimiles you buy from legal sites as "digital music". Indeed Apple have been advertising several recent album releases on TV with the catch line (I'm paraphrasing) "start your digital collection with...". Now far be it for me to rain on this particular parade, but this is utter bollox. How precisely are these downloads any more "digital" than a CD and doesn't the simple act of owning a CD mean you already have a "digital music collection?" 

Of course not that this will stop them from making the claim. Especially now, when you can, for the first time, download (sorry "add to your digital collection") the complete Beatles back catalogue from iTunes. Not that you would, of course, as there are a couple of problems with these downloads. They will sound worse than the original 50 year old vinyl versions and they are, quite incredibly, more expensive than the equivalent, better sounding, CD versions. Perhaps the two companies, whose "historic" agreement made this possible, and who so famously reference a pomaceous fruit, picked the wrong brand name. Given their continued reliance on flogging old rope, it would have been more accurate to name their respective organisations "Hemp."  
  
Of course this "digital music" marketing-ese which Apple use, isn't an isolated example. There are many others just as culpable. Take the BBC. Recently they announced the introduction of "HD Sound" versions of their streamed radio channels. So does this service offer 24 bit/96khz streams, comparable to SACD or DVDA? Of course it doesn't. It is just a slightly higher quality version of the lamentable thing they offer at the moment. No harm in that I suppose. Well, yes and no. I can't dispute that it sounds better, but "HD?". If you read the technical gobbledegook they've posted to justify the addition of the prefix "HD", you'll realise the patent misdirection they are engaged in. No matter how they try to cache it, the 320kbps standard they've picked is patently worse than the "real" HD formats of SACD or DVDA. By a considerable margin.  This so called HD sound is not, by the commonly accepted definition, "HD".  More damning? It's actually worse than that unloved throw back - good old CD. And here's the thing. I'd always suspected, sooner or later, someone would call an mp3 based audio format, offering sound quality worse than that of CD, "HD". The only surprise? The culprit is the BBC. Why the "surprise? My money was on Apple. 


If ever there was an example of why I need a sub-editor it's the tortuous language I've used in this post. Honestly? The more I think about what I've written, the worse it gets, especially when I try and "fix it". I reach the point when the sentences stop making any sense. Or rather when the sentences start making even less sense. Damn my clumsy sentence construction....*

*Still at it.  

Our Survey Says....Exactly What We Wanted (16)

As you can see nothing has changed. This "survey" demonstrates exactly my point. Company / Charity is selling a service, the survey finds it is either indispensable or better than that offered by its' competitors. And, predictably, the media prints the results with uncritical and unquestioning reverence. I will make a simple observation. When was the last time you saw a survey which found an organisation, different or distinct from whom it was commissioned by, coming out on top? 

Exactly.  

Queues form as Angry Since 1967 launches new blog post at midnight.

The newest post on Angry Since 1967 caused mild hysteria yesterday as fans queued for hours to be the first to read it. The internet, which stayed open to midnight for the occasion, claimed that this was an "unprecedented" event. Angry Since 1967 has grown to be an internet phenomenon, and has literally had a dozen hits since its inception back in 2006. One analyst claimed Angry Since 1967 had "redefined the blogsphere's zeitgeist", and was "a continually evolving paradigm shift" which "resonated across the social media's entire ecosystem". 

In the queue spirits were high. One person said "I'm so excited I've wet myself, I can't wait to read what he's written this time." Another claimed "I was promised food and a warm bed". One said they were habitual queuers "If I see a line of people I have to join it. Especially if there is a wee roped off bit with some red carpet at one end." 

Another individual, who preferred not to be named claimed they made a good living from midnight launches. "Yeah I'm employed by the company as an "ambient participant", although previously I've played the role of an "active participant". I get to be interviewed by the media immediately after being the "first" to buy the new piece of ephemeral tat they are plugging. Obviously learning my lines can be a bit of chore but I enjoy it." So how did this happen? "Well I wanted to be first in line outside a local electrical retailer for the their Boxing Day sale, when I was told the position had been already been filled by someone else. When I saw their well practised joy, as the cameras popped after they'd "bought" the damaged repaired cooker they'd been queuing for, I realised "that's the job for me". Yeah I've had to work at it, but it's paid off, now I go to all the launches. Okay a god forsaken shopping centre on a cold November night isn't great, but I did get to go to Los Angeles and New York earlier this year for the launch of a tablet computer, and I got to be first in line as well." So what did they think of Angry Since 1967? 

"Who? 

A Week Without mp3. Another "Another" update

I read this article people won't pay for "free" internet music streaming services and it neatly demonstrates the point I made here and here about Spotify. People won't pay, if free is available, regardless of the limitations you impose. Until, that is, the limitations become apparent, or if it ceases to be worth the hassle, then people will find an alternative. Which, in the case of music delivered via the internet, are all those P2P sites you can download music from. And "free" with no limitations will always beat "free" with limits, no matter how illegal the former is. Now this certainly isn't right, and I'm not condoning it, but it seems to me that for the music industry to compete against the pirates they need to work out what the hell they "really" do and what they are "actually" offering the public. At the moment all these sites  We7, Spotify, Itunes and the rest, are just answers to a question no-one ever asked.

Welcome To Fear. Side Two

I get a sense people thought I was exaggerating in my last post. 

Health Risk From Texting 

Welcome To Fear*

You wake. The first decision of the new day waits - getting out of bed. And off to the bathroom you go. But you can’t take a shower as the water is filled with female hormones from the contraceptive pill, and you can’t use soap because it causes eczema, or brush your teeth due to the dangers of fluoride and the dangerous plastic materials in your toothbrush. You can’t use mouthwash either as you've read it causes mouth cancer. All you can do is peer at your ablutions, worried they contain some hidden omen of your mortality. 

You dress, carefully and guiltily, thanks to the highly inflammable materials used and the poor children in the third world living in squalid conditions who sew your clothes together. Breakfast follows. Cereal and milk. But the cereal which is high in fibre is high in salt and the one high in flavour is packed with sugar and fat. Your coffee is made by a company with dubious practices in the third world, which you don't drink anyway as its full of caffeine, leaving you to decide whether to take your chances with tea made with hormone soaked water, or milk filled with DDT and artificial fertilizer. 

The journey to work offers no relief. You daren’t get the train, as it’s a walk down a dark, badly lit street, where you could be accosted by rapists and muggers, or trip on the badly maintained pavements, or fall over some inappropriately placed signage. The bus is out as well; all that coughing and spluttering from your fellow passenger’s guarantees you’ll be infected by some strain of super-flu, assuming you survive the knife brandishing hoodies, you’ll share the journey with. So you take the car, trying to ignore the likelihood of Legionnaires disease brewing in the window washer bottle, and the other drugged or drunk drivers in their uninsured, insurance write-off cut and shut cars, complete with counterfeit tyres that you share the road with, don't get you today. And that you avoid the fraudsters who deliberately break on roundabouts so they can claim whiplash injuries on your insurance. Assuming, of course, you’re simply not hauled out of your car by hijackers posing as newspaper sellers. 

And once you've made the fraught journey to work? You turn on your PC. And as you are bathed in the faint radioactive glow from your monitor, you remember that the only thing protecting you from the poisonous heavy metals which it contains is its thin plastic case, covered in lead based paints, made in a factory by people earning 5p a month, for a 100 hour week. But you console your self, at least they have a job. With the cuts and stuff you’re lucky if you still have one, and certainly when you lose it, as you inevitably will, you’ll fall down the between the cracks in the welfare system, cast out of your cowboy builder built house because the miss sold payment protection insurance you took on your mortgage doesn’t cover your repayments. Unable to afford anywhere to live, you end up destitute on the street, easy prey for sex traffickers and the methadone addicts. Which, given your productivity has collapsed due to the RSI from using your keyboard incorrectly, combined with the lower back pain from you slouching in your unsupportive seat, seems your inevitable fate. 

Lunchtime arrives. You daren’t eat any of the sandwiches Tesco sell – too fatty, salty or sugary, or any of their wax coated, pesticide treated, flown in fruit. An although their water is “pure” it comes in a bottle made from plastic, which will, in a couple of years time, be fished out of a blow hole of a drowned Sperm whale and traced back to you, your finger prints having surviving the poisoned seas intact.


You’d surf the internet at lunchtime but with the groomers and the scammers trying to steal your identity so they can spend all your money on Chupa Chups and Monster Munch you decide not to. And no I won’t change the printer toner either lest it explodes or I inhale any of its carcinogenic toner powder. And certainly I won’t change the paper. What if I got a paper cut which then became infected by an antibiotic resistant superbug?


The trip home is an equally hazardous adventure – dark evenings, road rage drivers in unsafe cars, high on Pine Magic Tree fumes. Home offers no solace. You turn the TV on and see a list of new things to be fearful of – parcels from Yemen, hidden fees, pension shortfalls, dirty hospitals, dangerous dogs, knife crime, unhygienic restaurants, alcohol, global warming, deforestation, overpopulation, water shortages, trans fats, freak weather, lone gunmen, internet, the rise of the right, the rise of the left, the rise of the middle, music, video games, ra-ra skirts, platform heels, indoor toilets, outdoor toilets and the rest of the wearying, predictable, unending menu of fear mongering which now passes for the “News”.

Calling it quits you retire for another restless night – worried the smoke alarm won't work or that you'll be consumed by voracious bed bugs while you slowly choke on the allergens in house dust mite faeces. 

Worst of all? You know, come tomorrow, they'll have new things for you to be afraid of.


*Yes I've managed to work in DJ Shadow reference.  

The truth is out there.

I've been literally un-inundated by people wondering why I don't seem to be updating this as much as I once did. Well there are a couple of reasons - the main one being is I got bored with impotently gurning about recruitment agencies. That said, of course I am aware that it's rolling around to the "Angry Since 1967 Worst Recruitment Agency" awards so expect to see some views about whom I believe is most deserving over the next month or so. As an aside, a trip to Belfast City airport brought the advertised image of one particular agency into sharp relief, particularly as I (against my better judgement) had dealings with them the very next day. Needless to say they are still up to their old bollocks. Perhaps I should just advertise jobs which don't exist and save my self the bother of dealing with this shower of charlatans. Of course knowing my luck I'd apply, only to be told (eventually after repeated phone calls) I lacked the sufficient experience or skills, had too much experience, was over skilled, was both too qualified and under qualified, and that actually the non-existent job had in fact been pulled and the position filled by an equally non-existent, yet suitable candidate who had attributes essential to the job which, conveniently, hadn't been included in the job spec. I could then spend my time gurning about the inequity of it all while waggling an indignant finger at those fuckers working for "Angry Since 1967".  

Erm.  

I think, rather worryingly and completely by accident, I've stumbled on the crux of the last 18 months worth of posts I've made on the subject. 

Er.... 

We return you to our trade test transmissions

They've Been Framed*.

You know it strikes me as odd yet obvious at the same time that no-one has, to date, taken the piss out of any of those reality / expert shows. Take, for example "The Real Hustle". If ever there was a show requiring it's wings clipped its this one. All you'd need to do is wait for them to try one of their carefully staged hustles, and then get them with an even more elaborately staged sting. I don't think it would be too difficult to pull off either. Flatter a researcher into letting you know where they are, what "scam" they are playing and then take it from there. Or even just call at one of the Hustle team's front door, and try one of their "hilarious" scams on them. Or seemingly at least, as this would merely be the opening gambit. No doubt, if you were to do this they'd take it with all the good grace of Noel Edmonds**. And its not all. There are opportunities aplenty, enough for to make a TV show.  Other shows vying for attention include those cheap daytime antiques shows. Just deliberately buy junk, or better still, bring something extremely valuable along, feign ignorance and then see how much (or how little) you'll be offered to take it off your hands. I'm sure the valuations would be interesting. 

When you think about it, the potential for mischief is almost limitless. Take "Dragons Den" for example. It strikes me if someone was clever, determined and devious, they'd be able to sell the panel snake oil. Now I don't like Dragons Den. Why? It's that "pretend real" shtick it has, a trait it shares with the equally unappealing "The Apprentice". As I see it there are a couple of things which make "Dragons Den" a prime candidate for someone to successfully attempt this. The first is the vain arrogance of the four panellists, but the second is more important. It's the controlled, vetted environment, it exists in. I mean, if you were sitting there on the panel  you'd be pretty confident, or at least assume the BBC had rooted out the all the snake oil purveyors, leaving you with ample time to focus on the real business of the show - dismissive, unchallenged hubris. But if someone was planted on the show purely to con the panel? It's something they'd never take into account. And that's what leaves it exposed. Be honest, I can't be the only person who'd pay good money to see how they'd react if they found out someone they'd backed was in fact selling them magic beans? Of course if this was successfully attempted then, much as Smashie and Nicey did to a generation of DJs, it would completely undermine the ersatz integrity the show depends on. Programmes like "Dragons Den", seemingly immune to criticism, are susceptible to something much more damaging. 

Ridicule. 

And, of course, the "reveal", when it came, would be utterly fucking hilarious. 

*You know even by my standards this post is a convoluted mess. What I'd originally planned as a snappy diatribe has spiralled off into comma riddled incoherence.  

**A man happy to dish it out less happy, as demonstrated when Chris Morris did it to him, to be on the receiving end.  
  

Something controversial causes "outrage"

A controversial statement, act and/or threat caused outrage yesterday, as shocked onlookers, commentators, politicians and activists engaged in collective teeth gnashing at something so deliberately provocative, the culprit wore a cloak, twirled a thin moustache and cackled manically. One shocked individual claimed that this was the most horrendous thing they’d seen in at least a week. “This obviously deplorable. But more problematic is that it's just something else I have to be outraged by. Honestly it's becoming a full time job trying to keep my outrage keenly honed. I mean there's something new to be outraged by every day and to be blunt, there are only so many things I can be simultaneously outraged by, before I get completely lost. It's so got so bad recently I’ve completely missed things I would have caused me enormous outrage. I've even had to feign my horror because I’ve lost track. It's really embarrassing being outraged when I should have been delighted. In my defence though, it's not my fault. With the cuts, world hunger, threats to burn things, the size of luggage cages, the fate of beached whales, wars, famines, the economy, doctored talent shows, governmental waste, soft prison sentences, identity theft, and the other threats and attacks on life and individual freedoms, its not surprising to find that I’m completely swamped. I can't make informed decisions any more as, every day, there is a stream of things I should be shocked, outraged or worried by. And I don't have the time make the distinctions between the things I should be “really” worried about, and the things I'm told I should be worried about. It's getting so that I can't be sure my apoplexy is directed at the right things. Frankly this is keeping me awake. Or rather it would, if I wasn't lying awake at night, worried shitless about the other outrageous things in the world, I'm already outraged about. That said this recent development, whatever it is, is completely outrageous and should be stopped. Or started. Or banned. Or allowed. Or something."

“Think Tank” claims Angry Since 1967 lacks “relevance”

A leading think-tank claims the recession has rendered Angry Since 1967 "irrelevant". One of the authors of the report suggested “Angry Since 1967 is much less relevant now than it was - even a few years ago. We don't believe it reflects the values demanded by the current economic realities. Wearying cynicism may well have been a useful skill during the days of plenty, but now either meek compliance, being flexible enough to fit inside a chimney, or a willingness to return to domestic service, are of greater relevance. Sculleries don't, after all, clean themselves.” They further demanded the appointment of a blog-czar to monitor future blog content, claiming the current regulator was "fucking useless as they don't share our narrow predilections." 

Angry Since 1967 was unavailable for comment. However the regulators "Ofblog" denied these claims. “Angry Since 1967 is performing well. Our independent inspectors indicate, that while there has been a decline in impotent rants about recruitment agencies, the new initiative of transposing “Angry Since 1967” on to vaguely topical events, to just to score low blows, or as a way of making some deeply obscure point, shows massive promise. Indeed they report the blogs' causticity is such that we have had to recalibrate our usual measurements. The blogs’ cynicism continues to exceed its targets and is far ahead of our expectations. Further we are confident there is a continuing commitment to the core “Angry Since 1967” objectives, of delivering unrelenting bile in indigestible, badly constructed sentences. We accept there have been some issues during the transitional period however, there is cause for optimism. These issues appear to be nothing more than short term aberrations. Consequently "Angry Since 1967" continues to have our full support."

Researchers blame “Convenient Scapegoat” for “everything”

Results from a recent study suggest a convenient scapegoat is the main cause of today's problems, and that this trend is likely to continue. Speaking earlier one researcher claimed “We fed the most up to date data into our models and the results are clear. In 95% of cases a convenient scapegoat is responsible”

These results are likely to re-ignite the so-called Convenient Scapegoat-gate controversy of last year, and have been already greeted with complaints from self styled “convenient scapegoat sceptics”. One, who preferred not to be named, claimed this survey was just a “convenient scapegoat” hiding the real truth. They continued "cause and effect are much more difficult to ascribe to events than simple, headline grabbing scare stories about overweight, drug addled, kids, dying, either of heart attacks brought on by climate change, or being murdered by perverts trawling the internet for their next victim. All they do is present a superficial reading of reality, editorialised to the point of the nonsensical, which frames the debate in such a simplistic fashion, that any attempt to solve the problem, as defined by the headlines, is doomed to failure. There's always more to a problem than the catchy sloganeering would have you believe."

A leading expert on convenient scapegoating, condemned this view. They claimed “Yeah they're right, but for god sake, they should have kept quiet for the common good. The second people realise the problems of big bad world can't be reduced to a pithy headline, or resolved with just an equally snappy campaign slogan, then that's us done. Our salad days, when we could hobnob with rock stars, appear on Newsnight, or knock out 500 word  articles with inconsequential admonishments and some hand-wringing, for "The Observer's" Sunday magazine about how changing your brand of washing-up liquid can make a difference, will be over."

Successful "Reboot" Gets Second Series.

We can exclusively reveal Angry Since 1967s show "Public Domain Detective Revamped For The Nth Time" will return next year. Speaking exclusively, Angry Since 1967 said "Yeah we've been so impressed with the ratings we've sent a couple of our researchers out to see what other properties, worn threadbare by over exposure and countless remakes, we can revamp for the 21st century. Although it's too early to confirm any more details, expect some interesting developments". We understand the properties being looked at include a SF retooling for "Anthropomorphic Animals Beside A River", a rebooted "5 Middle Class, English Kids From The 40s And 50s Solve Mysteries" featuring the addition of a camper van and a pesky dog. We are also led to believe that two more traditional dramas are also in the works - “Classic 19th Century Novel About Love In A Country Mansion" and "Something By Charles Dickens. Either "A Christmas Carol" or "Oliver Twist".

Rumours about two other shows “Traditional English Hero” and “Mythical English King” have been categorically denied. “We don't believe there's the appetite for these characters yet, as it's only been a matter of days since the end of their last rebooted, re-imaginings. Of course this will, likely as not, change by the end of the week once we've come up with some quirky twist – like setting them on the Moon”

Asked about the possibility of classic TV shows being updated, Angry Since 1967 claimed "I'm always asked, following the return of "Dreadful, Illogical, Time Travelling Pantomime" and "Remnants Of Humanity Sit Around A Farmhouse Table, Discussing Animal Husbandry And Crop Rotation" as well as our recent acquisitions "Dreadful Aul 1980s U.S. Hokem About A Talking Car" and "Ponderous SF Show Filled With Self Indulgent, Unsubtle Allegory, Completely Missing The Point Of The Original", whether "Stilted, 1970s, Low Budget, SF Drama With A Prop Resembling An Aquarium" will return. All I'd say is "wait and see". Certainly I'd be interested in another series, if the reboot is sufficiently idiotic and divorced from the original, that beyond the name, it bares no resemblance to the original show. Say giving it a pirate setting, for instance. Or it's done with a knowing wink. Or it's been leadened with "contemporariness". And of course we shouldn't forget the great shows like "Flogging A Dead Horse", "Money For Old Rope" and "You May Not Remember Why This Worn Out Crap Was Eventually Axed, But I Certainly Do", which are crying out to be reintroduced to a modern audience. These would certainly stand an update. That and the fact it's easier doing this than trying to come up with something fresh and original"

Angry Since 1967 Announces Autumn Line Up

It's a mix of old and new as Angry Since 1967 releases it's line-up for for the Autumn season. Speaking exclusively AS1967 claimed “Yeah there's something for everyone. Although technically that's not true. There's a rake of things we won't be covering at all, but saying there's something for some people and nothing for others, while more accurate, isn't as catchy"

The line up sees some old favourites return – “Smug Panel Show” returns from the sixth circle of hell for its 5,000th season and fans will be delighted to learn that it's host Oscar Wilde Wannabie will be chairing the show. Comedy double act “Oxford and Cambridge” return with a new series of “Smug Comedy Show”, and comedy double act “Cambridge and Oxford” return with a new series of “At Last. Another Smug Comedy Show”. St.Andrews and Redbrick University Via A Public School host a new panel show called “Smug Panel Show Which Is A Cross Between Smug, Vaguely Satirical, Panel Show and Smug Improvised Panel Show”. Failed 80s Singer returns in another series of the Smug Comedy Award Winning "Smug, Humour Free Docu-Comedy Set In A Work Place". Renowned Impersonator Who Has To Tell You Who They Are Doing, As You'd Never Work Figure It Out From The Impersonation is back in a new show for the Autumn, as is Someone Who Was Sort Of Funny Reading Lines Someone Else Wrote For Them in "This Is My Last Chance To Prove I Am Funny On My Own, And That I Am More Than A 15 Year Old Catchphrase. Dear God This Had Better Work". 

Drama fans are spoilt for choice. Perennial favourite “Cosy Working Class Drama Written By Someone Who Went To Eton” returns, as does “Big Budget US Import”. New programmes promised include “Edgy Drama” featuring Edgy Actor, and new shows from the States “Single Season Show With A Story Arc Padded Out For 5 Years, Trying The Patience Of A Saint In The Process, Before Being Wrapped In A Final Episode Explaining Nothing”, “It's Already Been Axed”, “Making It Up As We Go Along” and “Cancelled Mid Season With Nothing Resolved”. “Aren't Those Working Class People Loveable Rogues, What With Their Drugs, Sordid Sex Lives And Whacky Money Making Schemes? I Mean I Wouldn't Want To Live Next Door To Them But That's What Makes All The Better”, starts in October and fans of "Long Since Passed It's Sell-By Date" will have their hankies at the ready as it's final series completes an impressive line up. 

Youth culture is catered for in "Patronising Bollox Produced By Forty Year Olds" and cult US TV hit "Another Derivative Vampire Show Featuring Adults As Angsty Teenagers. At A High School. In Hollywood. Singing Cover Versions Of 80s Soft Rock Classics." 

On the lighter side popular chat show host No, Not The Gay Southern Irish Protestant, The Other One returns with his “Chat Show On After Earnest Late Night News Programme”, guests already lined up include Star Plugging Movie, Star Plugging Book, Hollywood Actor You Thought Was Dead and Sorry, I've No Idea Who You Are. Also showing is "Z List Celebrity Helping Members Of The Public Overcome Adversity And / Or Learn New Skill" and "Prune Faced Busy Body Sticks Their Nose Into Your Failing Business And Tuts A Lot"

Arts and Culture feature in the “Condescending Elitist Fuckery Designed To Put Anyone Off  Going Anywhere Near A Play, Book, Exhibition Or Film. For Ever” and “Art Show On After Earnest Late Night News Show. Fridays Only”. The ever popular "Late Night With I Was A Side Man But I Don't Like To Talk About It" and a retrospective series of highlights from "Soporific 70s TV Music Show". 

Completing the schedule are the major documentary series “Sucking The Wonder From Science With The Aplomb Of A Bad Physics Teacher” featuring Carl Sagan Wannabie and I'm So Important All The Shows I Appear Have To Be Prefixed With My Name's “Dreary History Programme Made In Co-operation With The History Channel, Featuring Lots Of Cheap CGI And Dodgy Re-enactments”

AS1967 said “I'm sure you agree that as far as providing, challenging, innovative, entertaining and informative programming we've fallen as far short as usual. Still at least Top Gear's back.”

Blog fault leaves Angry Since 1967 "stunned"

Press Release - Recent Issues.

Stunning engineering blah blah blah blah formula used to calculate blah blah blah stars aren't aligned blah blah blah blah ley lines blah blah blah blah blah bad vibe merchants blah blah sonic oscillations blah blah blah blah turbo encapulator blah blah blah blah reverse the polarity flow blah blah blah blah a sub tachyon pulse from the front deflector array blah blah blah blah blah look it's not faulty at all. You just "think" it is faulty blah blah blah blah blah Stephen Fry blah blah blah blah 800 years of British repression blah blah blah blah not liable blah blah blah blah blah look we didn't test it thoroughly enough blah blah blah blah it just works blah blah blah blah it's not a problem it's a feature blah blah blah blah appease the angry gods blah blah blah blah flux capacitor blah blah blah blah blah some big boys did it, Miss blah blah blah the dog ate my homework blah blah blah blah there was an earthquake blah blah blah blah some friends came in from out of town blah blah blah blah magic beans blah blah blah blah sacrifice a chicken and dance around it's entrails. Naked.