I've won a prize*

It's been a while (2007), so I've decided the time is right for Angry Since 1967 to win another award. And The Professor Stanley Unwin Prize was born. This award is in recognition for those whose clarity of thought is articulated in plain, concise English. It also acknowledges the contribution any blog called "Angry Since 1967" has made to the overall "blogosphere". Naming such an esteemed award in honour of an individual renowned for their incomprehensibility seems not only right, but entirely appropriate. The selection panel, made up of me, pondered as to which of the qualifying blogs should win this auspicious prize. However it quickly became clear only one filled the key criteria - being called "Angry Since 1967". This, taken together with the fact that the actual content (largely) consists of baffling rants, sentence construction bordering on the incomprehensible, and punctuation which takes the appearance of being randomly scattered around the page, renders "Angry Since 1967" as the obvious choice. I mean read back that last sentence. It's horribouncy incobobblybole.  

*I actually did win something though. A Budvar branded memory stick and a fleece. Let the festivities commence! 

Is the Fat Nipper Singing?

There have been a few occasions when I've thought that being, or seemingly at least, proved right is of little consolation. The news released today of HMV's spiralling sales decline suggests, sadly, they are facing the abyss. I want to make one thing absolutely clear. I don't want HMV to go bust, I don't want them to vanish off the High Street, but it looks like that is now a distinct possibility. As I've said before HMV doesn't know what it is any more. Music shop? Clothes Shop? Games Shop? Electronics store (I was in one the other day and they were selling headphones for £269.99. HMV trying to sell headphones at £269.99? Have they taken leave of their senses?) or a DVD Shop. As I said here "rather than work out what they do and what they are for, they, like a three year old with some fuzzy felt, are throwing things in the hope what sticks makes a nice picture."  

Things look grim. And while a turnaround is always possible, it's difficult to see where it is coming from. Perhaps a return to what they used to do might work, although unfortunately I suspect it might already be too late.  

 

A Week Without Mp3....Believe In Better. Or Closed.

Last October I blogged here about Sky Songs, a download / streaming service Sky had started. It seems my scepticism was well judged, as according to the BBC, it will be closing down in February. And here is the thing. As far as I can tell this a rare example of Sky getting something completely wrong. Their entire business model is predicated on consumers paying for third party content they deliver from within a paywall. Sky are many things, most of them not very appealing, but they do know how to run a subscription service. That they couldn't make this work sends a very clear message - streamed music services simply aren't viable, as consumers simply will not pay for them. How Spotify react to this is going to be very interesting. 

Meanwhile here is some "more" music

Welcome to Fear. Part Three

And another one. 
Death by Sunday roast

All Readers!! EXCITING NEWS INSIDE THIS ISSUE!!!

That's right pals, from next week we're welcoming our chums at "Monster Fun" to "Angry Since 1967." All your favourites will be here, plus some great new stories I know you'll love. Laughs are guaranteed as "Our Survey Says.....Exactly What We Want" and "A Week Without Mp3s" meet "Frankie Stein", "Martha's Monster Make-Up" and "Kid Kong". That's right! From next week "Angry Since 1967 and Monster Fun" is the only place you need for your fix of chortles and guffaws! And, as an extra special treat, we've a Twitter feed FREE for all our friends! And all these jolly japes and giggles aplenty are yours for just 6p! Remember mates, you don't want to miss your weekly fix of laughs, ghoulish goings on and depressing, wearying curmudgeonry, so place an order at your local newsagent NOW! 

AS1967 Revamp

Yeah I'm footering with the layout of the blog, as with all the archived posts it was becoming a pain to find things. I'm not entirely sure yet what I want to do, so expect an indeterminate time to pass before I work out what the hell I want it to look like. 

Exactly..... 

A Week Without mp3. Now in HD Sound. And available on iTunes.

I can't help noticing, but we appear to be in the middle of a concerted effort to rebrand the downloaded mp3 facsimiles you buy from legal sites as "digital music". Indeed Apple have been advertising several recent album releases on TV with the catch line (I'm paraphrasing) "start your digital collection with...". Now far be it for me to rain on this particular parade, but this is utter bollox. How precisely are these downloads any more "digital" than a CD and doesn't the simple act of owning a CD mean you already have a "digital music collection?" 

Of course not that this will stop them from making the claim. Especially now, when you can, for the first time, download (sorry "add to your digital collection") the complete Beatles back catalogue from iTunes. Not that you would, of course, as there are a couple of problems with these downloads. They will sound worse than the original 50 year old vinyl versions and they are, quite incredibly, more expensive than the equivalent, better sounding, CD versions. Perhaps the two companies, whose "historic" agreement made this possible, and who so famously reference a pomaceous fruit, picked the wrong brand name. Given their continued reliance on flogging old rope, it would have been more accurate to name their respective organisations "Hemp."  
  
Of course this "digital music" marketing-ese which Apple use, isn't an isolated example. There are many others just as culpable. Take the BBC. Recently they announced the introduction of "HD Sound" versions of their streamed radio channels. So does this service offer 24 bit/96khz streams, comparable to SACD or DVDA? Of course it doesn't. It is just a slightly higher quality version of the lamentable thing they offer at the moment. No harm in that I suppose. Well, yes and no. I can't dispute that it sounds better, but "HD?". If you read the technical gobbledegook they've posted to justify the addition of the prefix "HD", you'll realise the patent misdirection they are engaged in. No matter how they try to cache it, the 320kbps standard they've picked is patently worse than the "real" HD formats of SACD or DVDA. By a considerable margin.  This so called HD sound is not, by the commonly accepted definition, "HD".  More damning? It's actually worse than that unloved throw back - good old CD. And here's the thing. I'd always suspected, sooner or later, someone would call an mp3 based audio format, offering sound quality worse than that of CD, "HD". The only surprise? The culprit is the BBC. Why the "surprise? My money was on Apple. 


If ever there was an example of why I need a sub-editor it's the tortuous language I've used in this post. Honestly? The more I think about what I've written, the worse it gets, especially when I try and "fix it". I reach the point when the sentences stop making any sense. Or rather when the sentences start making even less sense. Damn my clumsy sentence construction....*

*Still at it.  

Our Survey Says....Exactly What We Wanted (16)

As you can see nothing has changed. This "survey" demonstrates exactly my point. Company / Charity is selling a service, the survey finds it is either indispensable or better than that offered by its' competitors. And, predictably, the media prints the results with uncritical and unquestioning reverence. I will make a simple observation. When was the last time you saw a survey which found an organisation, different or distinct from whom it was commissioned by, coming out on top? 

Exactly.  

Queues form as Angry Since 1967 launches new blog post at midnight.

The newest post on Angry Since 1967 caused mild hysteria yesterday as fans queued for hours to be the first to read it. The internet, which stayed open to midnight for the occasion, claimed that this was an "unprecedented" event. Angry Since 1967 has grown to be an internet phenomenon, and has literally had a dozen hits since its inception back in 2006. One analyst claimed Angry Since 1967 had "redefined the blogsphere's zeitgeist", and was "a continually evolving paradigm shift" which "resonated across the social media's entire ecosystem". 

In the queue spirits were high. One person said "I'm so excited I've wet myself, I can't wait to read what he's written this time." Another claimed "I was promised food and a warm bed". One said they were habitual queuers "If I see a line of people I have to join it. Especially if there is a wee roped off bit with some red carpet at one end." 

Another individual, who preferred not to be named claimed they made a good living from midnight launches. "Yeah I'm employed by the company as an "ambient participant", although previously I've played the role of an "active participant". I get to be interviewed by the media immediately after being the "first" to buy the new piece of ephemeral tat they are plugging. Obviously learning my lines can be a bit of chore but I enjoy it." So how did this happen? "Well I wanted to be first in line outside a local electrical retailer for the their Boxing Day sale, when I was told the position had been already been filled by someone else. When I saw their well practised joy, as the cameras popped after they'd "bought" the damaged repaired cooker they'd been queuing for, I realised "that's the job for me". Yeah I've had to work at it, but it's paid off, now I go to all the launches. Okay a god forsaken shopping centre on a cold November night isn't great, but I did get to go to Los Angeles and New York earlier this year for the launch of a tablet computer, and I got to be first in line as well." So what did they think of Angry Since 1967? 

"Who? 

A Week Without mp3. Another "Another" update

I read this article people won't pay for "free" internet music streaming services and it neatly demonstrates the point I made here and here about Spotify. People won't pay, if free is available, regardless of the limitations you impose. Until, that is, the limitations become apparent, or if it ceases to be worth the hassle, then people will find an alternative. Which, in the case of music delivered via the internet, are all those P2P sites you can download music from. And "free" with no limitations will always beat "free" with limits, no matter how illegal the former is. Now this certainly isn't right, and I'm not condoning it, but it seems to me that for the music industry to compete against the pirates they need to work out what the hell they "really" do and what they are "actually" offering the public. At the moment all these sites  We7, Spotify, Itunes and the rest, are just answers to a question no-one ever asked.

Welcome To Fear. Side Two

I get a sense people thought I was exaggerating in my last post. 

Health Risk From Texting 

Welcome To Fear*

You wake. The first decision of the new day waits - getting out of bed. And off to the bathroom you go. But you can’t take a shower as the water is filled with female hormones from the contraceptive pill, and you can’t use soap because it causes eczema, or brush your teeth due to the dangers of fluoride and the dangerous plastic materials in your toothbrush. You can’t use mouthwash either as you've read it causes mouth cancer. All you can do is peer at your ablutions, worried they contain some hidden omen of your mortality. 

You dress, carefully and guiltily, thanks to the highly inflammable materials used and the poor children in the third world living in squalid conditions who sew your clothes together. Breakfast follows. Cereal and milk. But the cereal which is high in fibre is high in salt and the one high in flavour is packed with sugar and fat. Your coffee is made by a company with dubious practices in the third world, which you don't drink anyway as its full of caffeine, leaving you to decide whether to take your chances with tea made with hormone soaked water, or milk filled with DDT and artificial fertilizer. 

The journey to work offers no relief. You daren’t get the train, as it’s a walk down a dark, badly lit street, where you could be accosted by rapists and muggers, or trip on the badly maintained pavements, or fall over some inappropriately placed signage. The bus is out as well; all that coughing and spluttering from your fellow passenger’s guarantees you’ll be infected by some strain of super-flu, assuming you survive the knife brandishing hoodies, you’ll share the journey with. So you take the car, trying to ignore the likelihood of Legionnaires disease brewing in the window washer bottle, and the other drugged or drunk drivers in their uninsured, insurance write-off cut and shut cars, complete with counterfeit tyres that you share the road with, don't get you today. And that you avoid the fraudsters who deliberately break on roundabouts so they can claim whiplash injuries on your insurance. Assuming, of course, you’re simply not hauled out of your car by hijackers posing as newspaper sellers. 

And once you've made the fraught journey to work? You turn on your PC. And as you are bathed in the faint radioactive glow from your monitor, you remember that the only thing protecting you from the poisonous heavy metals which it contains is its thin plastic case, covered in lead based paints, made in a factory by people earning 5p a month, for a 100 hour week. But you console your self, at least they have a job. With the cuts and stuff you’re lucky if you still have one, and certainly when you lose it, as you inevitably will, you’ll fall down the between the cracks in the welfare system, cast out of your cowboy builder built house because the miss sold payment protection insurance you took on your mortgage doesn’t cover your repayments. Unable to afford anywhere to live, you end up destitute on the street, easy prey for sex traffickers and the methadone addicts. Which, given your productivity has collapsed due to the RSI from using your keyboard incorrectly, combined with the lower back pain from you slouching in your unsupportive seat, seems your inevitable fate. 

Lunchtime arrives. You daren’t eat any of the sandwiches Tesco sell – too fatty, salty or sugary, or any of their wax coated, pesticide treated, flown in fruit. An although their water is “pure” it comes in a bottle made from plastic, which will, in a couple of years time, be fished out of a blow hole of a drowned Sperm whale and traced back to you, your finger prints having surviving the poisoned seas intact.


You’d surf the internet at lunchtime but with the groomers and the scammers trying to steal your identity so they can spend all your money on Chupa Chups and Monster Munch you decide not to. And no I won’t change the printer toner either lest it explodes or I inhale any of its carcinogenic toner powder. And certainly I won’t change the paper. What if I got a paper cut which then became infected by an antibiotic resistant superbug?


The trip home is an equally hazardous adventure – dark evenings, road rage drivers in unsafe cars, high on Pine Magic Tree fumes. Home offers no solace. You turn the TV on and see a list of new things to be fearful of – parcels from Yemen, hidden fees, pension shortfalls, dirty hospitals, dangerous dogs, knife crime, unhygienic restaurants, alcohol, global warming, deforestation, overpopulation, water shortages, trans fats, freak weather, lone gunmen, internet, the rise of the right, the rise of the left, the rise of the middle, music, video games, ra-ra skirts, platform heels, indoor toilets, outdoor toilets and the rest of the wearying, predictable, unending menu of fear mongering which now passes for the “News”.

Calling it quits you retire for another restless night – worried the smoke alarm won't work or that you'll be consumed by voracious bed bugs while you slowly choke on the allergens in house dust mite faeces. 

Worst of all? You know, come tomorrow, they'll have new things for you to be afraid of.


*Yes I've managed to work in DJ Shadow reference.  

The truth is out there.

I've been literally un-inundated by people wondering why I don't seem to be updating this as much as I once did. Well there are a couple of reasons - the main one being is I got bored with impotently gurning about recruitment agencies. That said, of course I am aware that it's rolling around to the "Angry Since 1967 Worst Recruitment Agency" awards so expect to see some views about whom I believe is most deserving over the next month or so. As an aside, a trip to Belfast City airport brought the advertised image of one particular agency into sharp relief, particularly as I (against my better judgement) had dealings with them the very next day. Needless to say they are still up to their old bollocks. Perhaps I should just advertise jobs which don't exist and save my self the bother of dealing with this shower of charlatans. Of course knowing my luck I'd apply, only to be told (eventually after repeated phone calls) I lacked the sufficient experience or skills, had too much experience, was over skilled, was both too qualified and under qualified, and that actually the non-existent job had in fact been pulled and the position filled by an equally non-existent, yet suitable candidate who had attributes essential to the job which, conveniently, hadn't been included in the job spec. I could then spend my time gurning about the inequity of it all while waggling an indignant finger at those fuckers working for "Angry Since 1967".  

Erm.  

I think, rather worryingly and completely by accident, I've stumbled on the crux of the last 18 months worth of posts I've made on the subject. 

Er.... 

We return you to our trade test transmissions

They've Been Framed*.

You know it strikes me as odd yet obvious at the same time that no-one has, to date, taken the piss out of any of those reality / expert shows. Take, for example "The Real Hustle". If ever there was a show requiring it's wings clipped its this one. All you'd need to do is wait for them to try one of their carefully staged hustles, and then get them with an even more elaborately staged sting. I don't think it would be too difficult to pull off either. Flatter a researcher into letting you know where they are, what "scam" they are playing and then take it from there. Or even just call at one of the Hustle team's front door, and try one of their "hilarious" scams on them. Or seemingly at least, as this would merely be the opening gambit. No doubt, if you were to do this they'd take it with all the good grace of Noel Edmonds**. And its not all. There are opportunities aplenty, enough for to make a TV show.  Other shows vying for attention include those cheap daytime antiques shows. Just deliberately buy junk, or better still, bring something extremely valuable along, feign ignorance and then see how much (or how little) you'll be offered to take it off your hands. I'm sure the valuations would be interesting. 

When you think about it, the potential for mischief is almost limitless. Take "Dragons Den" for example. It strikes me if someone was clever, determined and devious, they'd be able to sell the panel snake oil. Now I don't like Dragons Den. Why? It's that "pretend real" shtick it has, a trait it shares with the equally unappealing "The Apprentice". As I see it there are a couple of things which make "Dragons Den" a prime candidate for someone to successfully attempt this. The first is the vain arrogance of the four panellists, but the second is more important. It's the controlled, vetted environment, it exists in. I mean, if you were sitting there on the panel  you'd be pretty confident, or at least assume the BBC had rooted out the all the snake oil purveyors, leaving you with ample time to focus on the real business of the show - dismissive, unchallenged hubris. But if someone was planted on the show purely to con the panel? It's something they'd never take into account. And that's what leaves it exposed. Be honest, I can't be the only person who'd pay good money to see how they'd react if they found out someone they'd backed was in fact selling them magic beans? Of course if this was successfully attempted then, much as Smashie and Nicey did to a generation of DJs, it would completely undermine the ersatz integrity the show depends on. Programmes like "Dragons Den", seemingly immune to criticism, are susceptible to something much more damaging. 

Ridicule. 

And, of course, the "reveal", when it came, would be utterly fucking hilarious. 

*You know even by my standards this post is a convoluted mess. What I'd originally planned as a snappy diatribe has spiralled off into comma riddled incoherence.  

**A man happy to dish it out less happy, as demonstrated when Chris Morris did it to him, to be on the receiving end.  
  

Something controversial causes "outrage"

A controversial statement, act and/or threat caused outrage yesterday, as shocked onlookers, commentators, politicians and activists engaged in collective teeth gnashing at something so deliberately provocative, the culprit wore a cloak, twirled a thin moustache and cackled manically. One shocked individual claimed that this was the most horrendous thing they’d seen in at least a week. “This obviously deplorable. But more problematic is that it's just something else I have to be outraged by. Honestly it's becoming a full time job trying to keep my outrage keenly honed. I mean there's something new to be outraged by every day and to be blunt, there are only so many things I can be simultaneously outraged by, before I get completely lost. It's so got so bad recently I’ve completely missed things I would have caused me enormous outrage. I've even had to feign my horror because I’ve lost track. It's really embarrassing being outraged when I should have been delighted. In my defence though, it's not my fault. With the cuts, world hunger, threats to burn things, the size of luggage cages, the fate of beached whales, wars, famines, the economy, doctored talent shows, governmental waste, soft prison sentences, identity theft, and the other threats and attacks on life and individual freedoms, its not surprising to find that I’m completely swamped. I can't make informed decisions any more as, every day, there is a stream of things I should be shocked, outraged or worried by. And I don't have the time make the distinctions between the things I should be “really” worried about, and the things I'm told I should be worried about. It's getting so that I can't be sure my apoplexy is directed at the right things. Frankly this is keeping me awake. Or rather it would, if I wasn't lying awake at night, worried shitless about the other outrageous things in the world, I'm already outraged about. That said this recent development, whatever it is, is completely outrageous and should be stopped. Or started. Or banned. Or allowed. Or something."

“Think Tank” claims Angry Since 1967 lacks “relevance”

A leading think-tank claims the recession has rendered Angry Since 1967 "irrelevant". One of the authors of the report suggested “Angry Since 1967 is much less relevant now than it was - even a few years ago. We don't believe it reflects the values demanded by the current economic realities. Wearying cynicism may well have been a useful skill during the days of plenty, but now either meek compliance, being flexible enough to fit inside a chimney, or a willingness to return to domestic service, are of greater relevance. Sculleries don't, after all, clean themselves.” They further demanded the appointment of a blog-czar to monitor future blog content, claiming the current regulator was "fucking useless as they don't share our narrow predilections." 

Angry Since 1967 was unavailable for comment. However the regulators "Ofblog" denied these claims. “Angry Since 1967 is performing well. Our independent inspectors indicate, that while there has been a decline in impotent rants about recruitment agencies, the new initiative of transposing “Angry Since 1967” on to vaguely topical events, to just to score low blows, or as a way of making some deeply obscure point, shows massive promise. Indeed they report the blogs' causticity is such that we have had to recalibrate our usual measurements. The blogs’ cynicism continues to exceed its targets and is far ahead of our expectations. Further we are confident there is a continuing commitment to the core “Angry Since 1967” objectives, of delivering unrelenting bile in indigestible, badly constructed sentences. We accept there have been some issues during the transitional period however, there is cause for optimism. These issues appear to be nothing more than short term aberrations. Consequently "Angry Since 1967" continues to have our full support."

Researchers blame “Convenient Scapegoat” for “everything”

Results from a recent study suggest a convenient scapegoat is the main cause of today's problems, and that this trend is likely to continue. Speaking earlier one researcher claimed “We fed the most up to date data into our models and the results are clear. In 95% of cases a convenient scapegoat is responsible”

These results are likely to re-ignite the so-called Convenient Scapegoat-gate controversy of last year, and have been already greeted with complaints from self styled “convenient scapegoat sceptics”. One, who preferred not to be named, claimed this survey was just a “convenient scapegoat” hiding the real truth. They continued "cause and effect are much more difficult to ascribe to events than simple, headline grabbing scare stories about overweight, drug addled, kids, dying, either of heart attacks brought on by climate change, or being murdered by perverts trawling the internet for their next victim. All they do is present a superficial reading of reality, editorialised to the point of the nonsensical, which frames the debate in such a simplistic fashion, that any attempt to solve the problem, as defined by the headlines, is doomed to failure. There's always more to a problem than the catchy sloganeering would have you believe."

A leading expert on convenient scapegoating, condemned this view. They claimed “Yeah they're right, but for god sake, they should have kept quiet for the common good. The second people realise the problems of big bad world can't be reduced to a pithy headline, or resolved with just an equally snappy campaign slogan, then that's us done. Our salad days, when we could hobnob with rock stars, appear on Newsnight, or knock out 500 word  articles with inconsequential admonishments and some hand-wringing, for "The Observer's" Sunday magazine about how changing your brand of washing-up liquid can make a difference, will be over."

Successful "Reboot" Gets Second Series.

We can exclusively reveal Angry Since 1967s show "Public Domain Detective Revamped For The Nth Time" will return next year. Speaking exclusively, Angry Since 1967 said "Yeah we've been so impressed with the ratings we've sent a couple of our researchers out to see what other properties, worn threadbare by over exposure and countless remakes, we can revamp for the 21st century. Although it's too early to confirm any more details, expect some interesting developments". We understand the properties being looked at include a SF retooling for "Anthropomorphic Animals Beside A River", a rebooted "5 Middle Class, English Kids From The 40s And 50s Solve Mysteries" featuring the addition of a camper van and a pesky dog. We are also led to believe that two more traditional dramas are also in the works - “Classic 19th Century Novel About Love In A Country Mansion" and "Something By Charles Dickens. Either "A Christmas Carol" or "Oliver Twist".

Rumours about two other shows “Traditional English Hero” and “Mythical English King” have been categorically denied. “We don't believe there's the appetite for these characters yet, as it's only been a matter of days since the end of their last rebooted, re-imaginings. Of course this will, likely as not, change by the end of the week once we've come up with some quirky twist – like setting them on the Moon”

Asked about the possibility of classic TV shows being updated, Angry Since 1967 claimed "I'm always asked, following the return of "Dreadful, Illogical, Time Travelling Pantomime" and "Remnants Of Humanity Sit Around A Farmhouse Table, Discussing Animal Husbandry And Crop Rotation" as well as our recent acquisitions "Dreadful Aul 1980s U.S. Hokem About A Talking Car" and "Ponderous SF Show Filled With Self Indulgent, Unsubtle Allegory, Completely Missing The Point Of The Original", whether "Stilted, 1970s, Low Budget, SF Drama With A Prop Resembling An Aquarium" will return. All I'd say is "wait and see". Certainly I'd be interested in another series, if the reboot is sufficiently idiotic and divorced from the original, that beyond the name, it bares no resemblance to the original show. Say giving it a pirate setting, for instance. Or it's done with a knowing wink. Or it's been leadened with "contemporariness". And of course we shouldn't forget the great shows like "Flogging A Dead Horse", "Money For Old Rope" and "You May Not Remember Why This Worn Out Crap Was Eventually Axed, But I Certainly Do", which are crying out to be reintroduced to a modern audience. These would certainly stand an update. That and the fact it's easier doing this than trying to come up with something fresh and original"

Angry Since 1967 Announces Autumn Line Up

It's a mix of old and new as Angry Since 1967 releases it's line-up for for the Autumn season. Speaking exclusively AS1967 claimed “Yeah there's something for everyone. Although technically that's not true. There's a rake of things we won't be covering at all, but saying there's something for some people and nothing for others, while more accurate, isn't as catchy"

The line up sees some old favourites return – “Smug Panel Show” returns from the sixth circle of hell for its 5,000th season and fans will be delighted to learn that it's host Oscar Wilde Wannabie will be chairing the show. Comedy double act “Oxford and Cambridge” return with a new series of “Smug Comedy Show”, and comedy double act “Cambridge and Oxford” return with a new series of “At Last. Another Smug Comedy Show”. St.Andrews and Redbrick University Via A Public School host a new panel show called “Smug Panel Show Which Is A Cross Between Smug, Vaguely Satirical, Panel Show and Smug Improvised Panel Show”. Failed 80s Singer returns in another series of the Smug Comedy Award Winning "Smug, Humour Free Docu-Comedy Set In A Work Place". Renowned Impersonator Who Has To Tell You Who They Are Doing, As You'd Never Work Figure It Out From The Impersonation is back in a new show for the Autumn, as is Someone Who Was Sort Of Funny Reading Lines Someone Else Wrote For Them in "This Is My Last Chance To Prove I Am Funny On My Own, And That I Am More Than A 15 Year Old Catchphrase. Dear God This Had Better Work". 

Drama fans are spoilt for choice. Perennial favourite “Cosy Working Class Drama Written By Someone Who Went To Eton” returns, as does “Big Budget US Import”. New programmes promised include “Edgy Drama” featuring Edgy Actor, and new shows from the States “Single Season Show With A Story Arc Padded Out For 5 Years, Trying The Patience Of A Saint In The Process, Before Being Wrapped In A Final Episode Explaining Nothing”, “It's Already Been Axed”, “Making It Up As We Go Along” and “Cancelled Mid Season With Nothing Resolved”. “Aren't Those Working Class People Loveable Rogues, What With Their Drugs, Sordid Sex Lives And Whacky Money Making Schemes? I Mean I Wouldn't Want To Live Next Door To Them But That's What Makes All The Better”, starts in October and fans of "Long Since Passed It's Sell-By Date" will have their hankies at the ready as it's final series completes an impressive line up. 

Youth culture is catered for in "Patronising Bollox Produced By Forty Year Olds" and cult US TV hit "Another Derivative Vampire Show Featuring Adults As Angsty Teenagers. At A High School. In Hollywood. Singing Cover Versions Of 80s Soft Rock Classics." 

On the lighter side popular chat show host No, Not The Gay Southern Irish Protestant, The Other One returns with his “Chat Show On After Earnest Late Night News Programme”, guests already lined up include Star Plugging Movie, Star Plugging Book, Hollywood Actor You Thought Was Dead and Sorry, I've No Idea Who You Are. Also showing is "Z List Celebrity Helping Members Of The Public Overcome Adversity And / Or Learn New Skill" and "Prune Faced Busy Body Sticks Their Nose Into Your Failing Business And Tuts A Lot"

Arts and Culture feature in the “Condescending Elitist Fuckery Designed To Put Anyone Off  Going Anywhere Near A Play, Book, Exhibition Or Film. For Ever” and “Art Show On After Earnest Late Night News Show. Fridays Only”. The ever popular "Late Night With I Was A Side Man But I Don't Like To Talk About It" and a retrospective series of highlights from "Soporific 70s TV Music Show". 

Completing the schedule are the major documentary series “Sucking The Wonder From Science With The Aplomb Of A Bad Physics Teacher” featuring Carl Sagan Wannabie and I'm So Important All The Shows I Appear Have To Be Prefixed With My Name's “Dreary History Programme Made In Co-operation With The History Channel, Featuring Lots Of Cheap CGI And Dodgy Re-enactments”

AS1967 said “I'm sure you agree that as far as providing, challenging, innovative, entertaining and informative programming we've fallen as far short as usual. Still at least Top Gear's back.”

Blog fault leaves Angry Since 1967 "stunned"

Press Release - Recent Issues.

Stunning engineering blah blah blah blah formula used to calculate blah blah blah stars aren't aligned blah blah blah blah ley lines blah blah blah blah blah bad vibe merchants blah blah sonic oscillations blah blah blah blah turbo encapulator blah blah blah blah reverse the polarity flow blah blah blah blah a sub tachyon pulse from the front deflector array blah blah blah blah blah look it's not faulty at all. You just "think" it is faulty blah blah blah blah blah Stephen Fry blah blah blah blah 800 years of British repression blah blah blah blah not liable blah blah blah blah blah look we didn't test it thoroughly enough blah blah blah blah it just works blah blah blah blah it's not a problem it's a feature blah blah blah blah appease the angry gods blah blah blah blah flux capacitor blah blah blah blah blah some big boys did it, Miss blah blah blah the dog ate my homework blah blah blah blah there was an earthquake blah blah blah blah some friends came in from out of town blah blah blah blah magic beans blah blah blah blah sacrifice a chicken and dance around it's entrails. Naked. 

Technical problems plague AS1967 "upgrade"

Angry Since 1967 readers have complained a recent revamp has left the site unusable. One user commented the blog was now only accessible via the internet, another claimed they were unable to view the site while standing out in the middle of a field with a bag over their head.   

When questioned Angry responded "Don't read it like that, read it like this". 

This controversy comes hard on the heels of Angry Since 1967s recent highly visible spat with "Flash", claiming it caused "issues". "Angry Since 1967 cannot support a proprietary product when a viable, free alternative providing much of the functionality of "Flash" is available. We'd like to reassure users that as far as we are concerned the only measurable difference between the two is "elbow greases'" lack of a zesty fragrance." 

Angry Since 1967 - Exclusive Glastonbury UPDATE.

The self-styled "Angry man" of blog-rock "Angry Since 1967" has CONFIRMED he won't be bothering with Glastonbury this weekend. This newspaper can exclusively reveal that rather than engage with Glastonbury "Angry Since 1967" will instead spend the weekend SCRATCHING about the house, WATCHING football and possibly GOING out to buy a DOUBLE DECKER, or some other BAR of chocolate in a LOCAL shop. An insider said "yeah he'd rather FLICK through a copy of "Auto Express" in the local shop, occasionally tutting at the price they charge for a pint of milk, than even watch it on TV. Especially with the World Cup on." When asked if ANGRY would ever go to Glastonbury, our source claimed "There's no way he'd spend the weekend standing in a field surrounded by commodity brokers, people stuffed on macrobiotic rice, BMW X5 owning "hippies", and PEOPLE on corporate junkets slumming it for a couple of days in the mistaken belief that being knee deep in human excrement while "Florence and the Machine" sing "You've Got The Love" SOMEHOW makes the whole experience more "real."  

Angry Since 1967 - New Album Released

The much anticipated new album from Angry Since 1967 "Because I Am Bored" has been released to rapturous applause. 

What the reviewers are saying

Uncut  
"This album defies classification. But more importantly allows us to engage in our copyrighted condescending superiority, crowbarring references to wilfully obscure bands into a review. Not because doing so provides any insight, or allows valid comparisons, but rather as an example of the depth of our musical knowledge. Of course you're not informed, or nuanced enough to have ever heard of, let alone listened to, any of the bands we refer, so this is entirely for our benefit. Why? Because this makes us feel better about ourselves and gives us a sense of self worth which is otherwise completely absent from every other aspect of our lives. So suffice it to say that while this is album is reminiscent of work by "Tiger Attack Plan Tiger", and East Coast obscurists "Inverted Cages" it surpasses both. Or it would if these bands actually existed. We just made them up, knowing you wouldn't notice. See? More proof of how utterly worthless you really are."

Mojo 
"Anything "Uncut" can do, we can do. But in a duller, more verbose and more patronising fashion, sweetie. Plus we have an an awards ceremony which gets coverage on BBC News, dear. And we give Life Time Achievement awards to people you thought were dead, luvvie. So ya boo sucks, mate!"

Q  
"This album is a lot of aul bollox, but as they are on this month's cover, and there's a 10 page exclusive interview, 9 pages of related advertising, a supplement, and some backstage passes with our names on them, it gets our default rating of four stars"

Time Out  
"They aren't from London. Haven't played in London, and don't sing about London. So far as we're concerned, they don't exist"

NME 
"The Smiths" blah blah blah blah blah "The Clash" blah blah blah "PJ Harvey" blah blah blah "Inverted Cages" blah blah blah fucking punk, right?"

Nuts 
"Tits" 

Zoo
"Arse"

FHM 
"Fanny"
  
GQ 
"Wank"

Kerrang  
"Yes we know the NWOBHM was 30 years ago but we're still not over it. And no we're not proud how we pretended to like fucking rap-metal, grunge, nu-metal, and the rest of the shit that's filled the intervening decades. Deep down you know it, and we know it. The music we loved died when Bruce Dickinson first left "Iron Maiden". So why can't you just leave us alone, and let us listen to our "Tygers Of Pan Tang" and "Saxon" albums in peace? KKKK"

Classic Rock  
"Can't I review the new "Uriah Heep" retrospective box set instead?" 

Record Collector  
"The limited edition, triple gatefold, pink vinyl, Japanese import is the one to buy. What does it sound like? What do you mean? There's music recorded on these things as well? Is that something new?"  

Classic Rock "Special"  
"It costs £7.99. Seriously. But before you screw your face up, just look at the packaging. Lovingly sealed in a a cardboard case? Sure that's brilliant. Okay you can't read it before you buy it, but it does come with some badly reproduced posters of bands you don't like, loads of advertisements, tat we found lying at the bottom of a drawer, a host of reprints and a "free cd" filled with mangled, sub karaoke cover versions of songs you've never heard of. I'm sure you'd agree when I put it like that, it's a helluva bargain. And even if you don't, once you've bought it there's not much you can do, as we have a strict "no refunds once opened" policy."

Hardly Merits Visiting.

I was in the HMV in Belfast earlier. It's been revamped. I think we can now officially conclude that there are now no music shops left in the City centre. The CDs (what few there were) are now relegated to the second floor, filling (or rather not) the space previously reserved for video game accessories, which now reside downstairs in the space vacated by CDs. A couple of things struck me. Firstly they've upped the prices for their CDs again, presumably to compensate for the likely crash in sales that will result from having such a limited selection. Now HMV have never been cheap - but when a thrown together "Captain Sensible" compilation on a no mark label (think Pickwick) is priced at £7 you really have to wonder what bizarre pricing formula they are using and how long it'll be before they abandon music all together? If I was a betting man I'd say 18 months, two years tops. 

The second thing were the poor souls, browsing the CDs, who weren't aware things have changed. They shared that look of puzzled bewilderment you see when pub regulars, visiting their old haunt for the first time after a revamp, discover "The Dog And Partridge" has become a bar with a one word name, roped off bits and burly bouncers. Then experiencing the "Christ you're here. We didn't expect to see you again" when the staff suddenly remember you from the old days. It was like meeting an old girlfriend, who in the intervening months has gone blonde, sports a tattoo and has joined a gym. In HMV today the language was pretty clear. "We've moved on. Yeah it's nice to see you, but we don't need you any more and, if we're honest, we'd prefer it if you either went somewhere else, or at least pretended you don't know us"

Of course all this fits. HMV have given up on music. They'll say there's no money in it, sales are down, piracy is up and the rest. I think the reality is different. HMV doesn't know what it is. I mean think about it. What is HMV for? What is it's proposition? What makes you shop in it? Or more importantly what makes you not shop in it? The thing is HMV don't know the answers to these questions. Worse they haven't even reached the point where they'd even consider getting someone to ask them.  And so, rather than work out what they do and what they are for, they, like a three year old with some fuzzy felt, are throwing things in the hope what sticks makes a nice picture.

Honestly? If HMV had any competition they'd be banjaxed. The only thing about this that surprises me is why people like Game, on who HMV are encroaching, don't start selling music. There is a gap in the high street that is there to be filled. 

Still, like a jilted boyfriend, I can, through gritted teeth, wish HMV and Mario the best, while secretly hoping the whole thing ends in tears. 

Which, in this instance at least, strikes me as almost inevitable.   

Seems apt...

I've spent the last couple of days trailing around all the old agencies again. This well known song sums up the experience.

There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,
There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, a hole.

Then fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Then fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry, fix it.

With what shall I fix it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I fix it, dear Liza, with what?

With a straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
With a straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, a straw.

The straw is too long, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The straw is too long, dear Liza, too long,

Then cut it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Then cut it, dear Henry, dear Henry, cut it.

With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, with what?

With an axe, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
With an axe, dear Henry, dear Henry, an axe.

The axe is too dull, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The axe is too dull, dear Liza, too dull.

Then sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Then sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, whet it.

With what shall I sharpen it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I sharpen it, dear Liza, with what?

With a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
With a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, a stone.

The stone is too dry, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The stone is too dry, dear Liza, too dry.

Then moisten it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Then moisten it, dear Henry, dear Henry, moisten it.

With what shall I moisten, dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I moisten, dear Liza, with what?

Try water, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Try water, dear Henry, dear Henry, try water.

From where shall I get it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
From where shall I get it, dear Liza, from where?

From the well, dear Henry,dear Henry, dear Henry,
From the well, dear Henry, dear Henry, the well.

In what shall I fetch it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
In what shall I fetch it, dear Liza, in what?

In a bucket dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
In a bucket dear Henry, dear Henry, in a bucket.

There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,
There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, a hole.

And surprise, surprise I'm back where I started.  
 

Is it just me who'd

- like to know at what thickness do slices of bread cease being defined as "medium" and become "thick"?

Whoop-de-fucking-do.

So. Another month ticked off. The summer holidays are heaving into view, meaning that the job market stops. Or it did last year anyway. I suppose with the economic downturn showing no sign of an upturn, my situation doesn't look set to change any time soon. Still the good news is that I can now prefix my "unemployed" status with the much coveted words "long term".

Let the celebrations commence.

  

Rise of the "Experts"

It seems that no problem is insurmountable if you have a celebrity to help. From dating, cooking, running a shop / restaurant / hotel / holiday resort / charity, developing new products, making a football team better or sorting out your brass band nothing guarantees success more than the addition of a celeb. They swan in wallop some new paint / clothes / equipment / uniforms / instruments into the mix, call upon one of their "celeb" chums to assist with the revamp then watch as success returns. Well I say success. In TV land success is measured not by "success" but rather by participation in a climactic "event" where they can demonstrate their improvement. The big finish where the celeb has to get their prodigies to perform their act / cooking / dance / concert or whatever at the Royal Albert Hall in front of a bemused audience. And, of course, they always (I mean always) come through, defying the naysayers, proving the doubters wrong. So, on TV at least, involving a celeb in the struggle assures success. 

There's an interesting subset of these type of shows. The celeb that has to learn a new skill. This usually involves them being coached (in much the same way as a poodle) by some faintly dusty expert, in a vital new skill be it singing, dancing, playing an instrument. Again their proficiency is demonstrated by a performance at the Royal Albert Hall*. The  twist is that events always conspire so that the expert has to call on another "celeb" expert (think Mike Batt) to assist. Despite this things always turn out brilliantly. The event is a roaring success, complete with vague indications that the celeb is some sort of undiscovered genius who could easily turn their hands to any thing they chose. Truly we are blessed to have such greatness living amongst us.

Which is, to be blunt, utter fucking cobblers. We never get to see the complete basket cases, who've also applied to appear on the show that a celeb couldn't save or improve, no matter how many of their "famous friends" they called upon**. It seems to me that these "failures" are all carefully screened so that they can't actually fail, to the extent that the climactic challenge demonstrating their redemption is so loaded in the celebs favour that even Sir Percy Ware-Armitage would be ashamed to participate in it. Now you might think "How can you presume that?" Simple. If adding a celeb (complete with a camera crew) was all you had to do to rescue something from the abyss don't you think people like Zavi / Mothercare / Woolworth's or whoever would, at the first sign of trouble, add Sue Perkins to the board of directors? 

But this isn't the point. We aren't expected to analyse, we're just expected to clap, awed by the celebs greatness, vicariously sharing in the hollow things these programmes define as demonstrating "success". We know our place. Sat, slack jawed, in front of the TV.  

  


*Presumably these shows are stuck through as a job lot by the Royal Albert Hall.  
**Except for Jesus. But he doesn't do TV any more, so it's a moot point  

Same. Same? Same.

I've been told that I'm not qualified for a junior, temporary, first line, IT support role.
Had smoke blown up my hole by Grafton.
Been knocked back by some crowd called Fluent Technologies with no explanation.
Heard nothing from PMC.
Watched as Van Rath IT recruitment (ha) fill CW Jobs with positions that don't exist.

So much the same as usual.

Sporadic Posting Continues Unabated.

so I'll keep this one short and snappy.

"meh" 

Just in passing

So I was watching The Gadget Show and a thought struck me. Okay "struck" is the wrong word. I sat there wondering "why"? It is a truly fecking dreadful programme. All that superficial bollox about gadgets being cool (and by extension making you cool if you own one of them - right) wrapped up in reviews which suffer from my pet hate - "Top Gearization". You know the scripted bonhomie, the unnecessary, carefully stage managed, zany challenges designed to prove something crushingly irrelevant. Now this format might have been interesting the first few times on the progenitor show, but watching a tired copy, of a tired original, doesn't make for interesting or informative TV. But on the other hand, if you were in the position where you had to attempt to sell the notion that having an indestructible vacuum flask (or what ever other piece of ephemeral tat they've been given to review) renders you the most sophisticated person in Christendom, as well as exponentially increasing your chances of getting laid, then making the resultant TV show "interesting" or "informative" isn't going to be among your priorities. 

Nor is making it any good.  

Worst Agency? We have a new front runner

You'd think you'd reach a point in dealing with Recruitment agencies when you've heard it all. And I thought I had. Until I had this conversation earlier today

"How long have you been unemployed for?"

"About 11 months"

"Ah"

"Ah?"

"That might be awkward"

"Awkward?"

"Yeah we need proof you've been looking for work"

"Sorry?"

"We don't like unexplained gaps in employment"

"Er it's not unexplained I got made redundant"

"Yes but have you been looking for another job?"

"Well I am speaking to you about another job. So clearly I am looking for another job. Otherwise I wouldn't be speaking to you"
  
The way 2010 is shaping up, Chapterhouse, last year's winner of the "Worst Recruitment Agency" award, will be doing well to retain their title. 

And my point was?

Nothing very profound really. Just that sometimes because you can do something it doesn't necessarily follow you should do something. Of course it is entirely understandable that the media have leapt to use these tools (twitter / text commentary) not because they offer additional information, but rather because they tick the big box labelled "interaction". Obviously it's not real interaction. Rather these constant appeals for texts or emails are designed to cast the viewer or reader in the role of a virtual Greek chorus, to be called upon to laugh or wail at the appropriate moment. It doesn't add anything, beyond texture. And why would it? All the public can bring are opinions. But this conceit allows the media to claim that they are "reaching out", that they are "interacting" with their audience. And they are, but in a way that has been contrived to keep the audience at a safe distance, disconnected from any real influence. Email the studio? Text the presenter? Like they really give a fuck what you think. They are in charge. Not you.

Now you might think that, even by my standards, this is fairly cynical. And I suppose it is. But then I think about the "news" programme Sky News show on week nights at 7 pm. If you want the prime example of how the mainstream media views the idea of "interaction" and it's role then I suggest you tune in. The concept for the show (as it is) is that they use the internet to drive the content for the programme. It sets the agenda. Which, when you think about it, doesn't sound too bad. But they don't do this. It seems to me that this programme is entirely contrived so that Sky set the news agenda, while at the same time allowing them to protest the contrary. Once you strip away the usual mix of the "funny" and the "quirky" (Two words that should never appear in an news programme. Unless of course the presenter has been beaten to death by someone brandishing a sign emblazened with these two words) you are left with something much less mundane. And something altogether more cynical. They claim that the agenda for the programme is set not by the stories importance, but by the number of people who click on the story on the Sky News website. They even have a "top 5 most clicked". And "big deal" says you. But the point is that Sky get to pick the stories that appear on it's website. Despite the claims that it's a virtual free-for-all it isn't. Only clicks on the Sky News site count. Which is rather like those fecking award things where you can only select from an already preselected and filtered list. And lo the Greek chorus is called upon again. To click the video. To show the surfing dog. And you feel empowered by doing so. Sky (and the rest) are listening to me, and people like me. 

And of course they are. After all that's what being "interactive" is all about. 

To say this is unbelievable tells half the story. It's unbelievable the way that "only" the entirely predictable can be. Of course this whole approach raises some fairly fundamental questions. Does Osama Bin Laden, for example, sit pondering in his cave, worried that his latest statement has only entered the Sky Top 5 at number 2, behind the tennis playing Duck at number 1? (Perhaps if he'd plugged it on the Jonathan Ross show. Or got his arse into gear and appeared on Loose Women or that fucking loathsome Titchmarsh thing). And of course I'm exaggerating, but at it's core there is something thoroughly worrying. Sky (and the rest) are just, for all their bold claims to the contrary, trying to drive you to their website. They don't care what you think, The whole "interaction" thing the media crow about is window dressing, allowing you to believe that you've contributed something of value to the debate. That you've somehow been "engaged". When the reality is that all you are is a click through, to be totalled up, collated and used to sell advertising space. 

Interactive? I think not. 

Angry Since 1967 LIVE - Text Commentary

12.35pm More aimless surfing. And it's still raining. It has the look of being on for the day. There's a big damp stain on the wall of the house opposite. Their recently repainted blue border offering the only patch of colour in an otherwise monochrome scene.  

12:36pm The battery low warning icon has just started flashing in the bottom right hand corner of my PC screen. 

12:37pm Some late period Porcupine Tree just wheeled into view on itunes. The dangers of playing on random. Skipped to the next track which is ELO's "Hold On Tight".

12:42pm And now it's "Röyksopp's Night Out" 

12:49pm This is, I'm sure you'd agree, pretty dull all the same.

Angry Since 1967 LIVE - Text Commentary

12:25pm Just checked the date for "Prince Charming" on Wikipedia, discovering No Doubt did a cover version of "Stand And Deliver". 

Experience the full horror here.

Angry Since 1967 LIVE - Text Commentary

12:19pm Fired up itunes. First track? Adam and the Ants "Prince Charming". Ridicule is nothing to be scared of. As relevant today as it was in 1981

Angry Since 1967 LIVE - Text Commentary

12:16pm Surfed across to Facebook. Then looked out of the window again. It's still raining

Angry Since 1967 LIVE - Text Commentary

12:13pm Opened blinds and looked out of the window. Jesus it's grim here today. 

Angry Since 1967 LIVE - Text Commentary

12:11pm Spent the last couple of minutes editing that first post to remove the obvious spelling mistakes

Angry Since 1967 LIVE - Text Commentary

12:09pm It seems that any event regardless of how trivial now demands a live text commentary. Let's go! 

Another "weakly" update.

And it's weekly update time. Be still my thumping heart. Nothing to report. Really. The job market has gone on it's Easter hiatus. Nothing unexpected about that. 
What is of interest though is that today is another one of those "special" anniversaries. It's a year today that my "gardening leave" became "unemployed".  
A year? Hard to believe. It won't be long now until I buy a donkey jacket and start proclaiming "I can do that." 

Angry Since 1967 will be back shortly. In the meantime, we are returning to our trade test transmissions

Some assembly required.

Nothing to report. Okay that's not entirely true. There is, but it's all so depressingly familiar and predictable that I can't be arsed putting it here. I was thinking of doing a quick "cut out and keep" do-it-yourself Angry Since 1967 kit designed to fill the gaps when I'm having one of have my posting lulls. 

All you'd do select any of the words that occur the most regularly on this blog such as 
"Recruitment" 
"Agencies"
"are"
"a"  
"bunch"
"of"
"useless" 
"self-serving"
"fuck"
"wits",
and then add them into a sentence. The result? You get your regular fix of Angry Since 1967s customary (and barely coherent) bile without me having to actually post anything.

Now why did it take me so long to think of this?  

The fasten your seat belt sign has been lit.

And here I am, back again. None the wiser, no further on. This coming weeks highlights include the first anniversary of being put on "gardening leave" more horseshit from agencies and a grey cloud hanging over me, like some big grey cloud thing. Yes my normally sunny and positive (some would say "chirpy") disposition has completely fucking evaporated. 

Two things have really wound me up. First is the depressing date rolling around on Tuesday, the second is that after a year of this I am precisely no further on from where I was this time 365 days ago. And it's not like it's for the want of trying. Powerless is the word I'd use to describe it.

Strap yourselves in. I'm expecting turbulence.   

Updated updates. Update

Anyway my job hunt takes me to distant climes this week, so I doubt I'll get a chance to update this over the next few days. On my return expect the gurning to recommence, albeit with a very faint Geordie accent. 

My "wear sunscreen" moment.

After the events of this week, when I was treated like a participant in an episode of "The Chuckle Brothers", complete with a "to me, to you" moment, I thought it would be a good time to reflect on this whole recruitment agency thingy. Way back at the start of this adventure I was given some advice about using agencies, how they work and the pitfalls I might encounter. 

• Agencies have their own goals, targets and motivations. These may, occasionally and only for short periods, broadly coincide with yours.
• The only time they will be interested in assisting is when they've already placed you in a job.
• You are a drain on their resources until they land you a job. 
• As they provide this service for free expect a standard that reflects it's cost.
• The staff turnover within agencies is enormous. Don't expect to speak to the same person twice. 
• They won't read your CV. They word / phrase spot. Therefore aim low. Keep it punchy.
• There is no such thing as a "good" agency, but there are plenty of bad ones.
• Remember they are doing you a favour. There is no "obligation" on their behalf. Nor can you treat them as if there is. 
• Complaining ends the relationship. 
• Be persistent, but not too insistent. 

9 months on and I'd add

• Accept that agencies will advertise the same job, subtly amended, under a variety of guises just to maximise the number of people likely to apply.
• They advertise jobs that don't exist.   
• The jobs they advertise generally have little resemblance to the "actual" job.
• Many of the jobs advertised will have had the job descriptions filtered and then amended to suit the needs of the Agency, not the employer.  
• The agents you speak to have no real idea about the minutiae of the jobs they claim to be experts about. Any "expertise" is a facile bluff.
• They will tell you bare faced lies.
• They will tell you what you want to hear, especially if they think they can benefit.
• They will not follow through on promises.
• Treat that they say with healthy scepticism. 
• Sharp practice is endemic. And, I'd say, encouraged.
• Cut out the middle man. If you can, apply directly to the Employer.
• They will not volunteer information, however it is possible to extract more information than you'd otherwise be privy. Guile is a tool. Use it.  
• There are no good agencies. They are all crap. Not "crap" in the "with a little tweaking they'd be better" sense, but rather in the "institutionally incompetent to the point it's been formalised then fully incorporated into the organisation's structure, where a dedicated management team exists whose sole purpose is to ensure bad practice is actively pursued and that any signs of professionalism are completely eradicated from the business" sense. 

But probably the most important thing I've learned is that you have to put these considerations aside and actively participate in the charade. No matter how much it might stick in your craw. 

Exasperation. That's what you need

With apologies to Roy Castle.

So (predictably) my phone call didn't go well. But then I spied another job. With another agency. And, shockingly, when I rang, they rang me back. And when I sent my CV across 10 minutes later I got a call suggesting some amendments. "Come in and see us and we'll talk about the interview"

I was dumbfounded. So off I went, with an unfamiliar feeling in my gut. I think it's called "hope".

That didn't last. The girl I went to see wasn't there. So I was passed from pillar to post, around the office, until someone drew the short straw. And then it dawned on me. "Here we go again". So I filled in their forms. I listened to the person who'd no idea about the job, who I was, or what I was talking about, (par for the course then) tell me "I'd" be in touch. (Presumably this refers to the collective "I" rather than her specifically)

For. Fuck. Sake. 

Foul mood? Yeah that just about covers it.  

"...they're giving none away"

Just a couple of things in passing. I was in HMV this week. I did my semi-regular Dark Side of the Moon price check. The 30th Anniversary edition was on sale In Belfast this week for an eye watering £20. £20 for a 7 year old re-issue of 37 year old album? They are, quite clearly, "having a laugh". Perhaps I shouldn't extrapolate from this one example, but it strikes me as peculiar that so many seen to think that only reason for their decline in sales is internet piracy. To the point I've had to conclude that they can't be that naive. And so rather than consider pricing as a contributing factor it's just easier to blame a faceless bogeyman - the internet pirate for their ills. Which, rather neatly, allows them to sidestep any culpability. But the point is moot. Whatever the reason, I think it's a mindset that is, inevitably, leading to tears. 

Saw this article about Independent record shops on the BBC website. More interesting is the link to this website. Now the site has the faint whiff of Euronics about it, but it seems their hearts are in the right place, so it gets a thumbs up from me. Well, kind of. The link to a pdf called the "Record Store Survival guide" has set my "Spider sense" tingling. But I'll come back to this - when my head isn't filled with "redoing CVs again, for the nth time".

"...banging your head against some mad buggers wall"

Anyway the job I mentioned here is still being advertised. This despite the rather significant fact the closing date for applications was the 10th January. Sharp practice? Wash your mouth out with soap and water.

The crowd I was whinging about last week finally sent me a copy of the job description they'd promised. Despite being grilled about C#, Java and HTML the actual knowledge requirement was summed up in the phrase "software technology skills". Clearly the agency knows more about the company and their requirements than the company itself. 

I've been talking this week to another agency. They rang on Tuesday about an "exciting opportunity". It's always refreshing to speak to an agency that isn't based in Belfast (or Northern Ireland for that matter) as they always come across as more focused and more professional. So when they said they'd send me details, I had them before I'd got off the phone. Twenty minutes later I'd emailed a reply, keen to know the next step. Then I rang them. Then I rang them again. And then four times yesterday. As soon as I post this I'm going to ring them again. But now in hope more than expectation. In fact it's not hope. It's resignation. 

And this is the thing. The old familiar feeling of banging my head against another wall. Sorry scrub that. As an agency is involved I'm banging my head against a wall in front of the wall I should be banging my head against.

If you want to know what exasperation looks like, this is it.