I wish it could be Christmas once a year...

It's Christmas. A time of Miles Kington-esque humourless annual reviews, of pictures of people queuing for graded crap in the sales, a time of hopelessly inaccurate predictions for the New Year, a time for retailers to gnash their teeth about pish sales.

And the time when I go home to an internet free oasis.

See you all in the New Year.

Meanwhile here is some music

Due to circumstances beyond my control (I've lost my muse. Don't know where it's vanished to. I looked down the back of the sofa, in the bin (twice), emptied everything out of my cupboards and I still can't find it.) I haven't updated this in ages. Normal service will resume shortly. We return you to our trade test transmissions

Friends Reunited

A few years ago I signed up for Friends Reunited, probably for the same reason that most people do - just to see. And of course like everyone else I filled my little box with what I'd been doing. And left it like that.

But I kept getting those gentle reminder emails saying I hadn't updated my profile so, with all good intention, I set about it. Only to think, a few minutes in "what the fuck am I doing? Why am I spending time telling people I've deemed suitable for jettisoning what I've been up to since the last time they walked passed in the street, pretending not to see me?"

So I told them I tap danced at Kings Cross Underground Station, I worked in McDonalds as a trainee chip fryer, that I'd been convicted of a crime I did not commit, and since escaping the high security stockade I'd been working as a soldier of fortune, that I was responsible for the hyper inflation in the Wiemar Republic, that I was lentil eating, sandal wearing, bearded DJ who'd discovered huge numbers of British bands in the 1970's. And no one was any the wiser.

Which is kind of the point. Friends Reunited is full of people who were never really anyones friend - just people who were acquaintances, who, when the push came to the shove, were easily replaced by another lot of equally easily replaced acquaintances. People whose absence you never noticed. But you shouldn't feel too bad about this. We're all someone's acquaintance.

O'Briens Irish Sandwich Bars - Not The Taste of Home

O'Briens "Irish" Sandwich shops really get on my tits. It's the Monty Python "Cheese Shop Sketch" for real.

"Can I have mine in some soda farls?"
"No we don't sell those"
"how about in some wheaten or soda bread?"
"er... no"
"This is an Irish Sandwich shop?"
"Yes"
"Okay what can I have it in then?"
"A bagel, a wrap or some shamrock foccacia bread"
"What part of Ireland do they come from?"

I actually asked in an O'Briens if they sold potato bread. "No" I was informed "we don't sell any of that foreign stuff."

It's even more ironic as the founder of the company, Brodie Sweeney claims that their shops “Irishness” is "...integral to the O’Briens experience." I'll try and remember that the next time I see one of their stores advertising a Chicken Chili Wrap as "traditional Irish".

Our Survey Says....Exactly What We Wanted (13)

Today's Survey....Consultants offering web accessibility advice claim retail web sites inaccessible

M&S tops High Street web ranking

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/6180362.stm

Marks & Spencer's website has topped a new ranking of user-friendly websites, with its fashion retailing rivals Next and Top Shop struggling at the bottom.
Web usability consultants Webcredible assessed the websites of 20 of the UK's most popular High Street retailers.
It cited confusing search results, poor navigation and complicated checkout procedures as the worst mistakes.

If they'd only used Webcredible they'd be able to call upon the powers of Dr Webcredible and his superfriends, Hyperlink and Webcrawler. You can follow their adventures here .

Podcasts - The Sound Of No One Listening

Some shocking research reported on the BBC. No-one listens to podcasts.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/6175728.stm

After all the hype, all the techno jargon, the pages and pages of analysis, and the warnings of the end of broadcasting as we know it, a survey says pretty much what we all knew. No one listens to them.

Charlene Li, one of the authors of the Forrester report admitted on her blog at the time of the report that "measurement is still really hard to do". In particular she said that "counting podcast downloads is a dubious way to measure usage".

Bravo Charlene. The figures don't fit the projections so how they were measured is "dubious". I wonder if the figures had been in line with projections whether she'd have expressed the same concerns.

Next they'll be telling us that no-one reads blogs..

Advertising Claims - Head and Shoulders Shampoo - Now "up 100% flake-free"

When I heard this claim (a couple of months ago) I thought I was imagining things. Depressingly not. It's on their website as well

Our Classic Clean shampoo with new HydraZinc formula is now better than ever! It's formula, containing zinc, not only helps keep your scalp healthy and up to 100% flake-free but also combats itchiness and tightness as well. Plus, the pH-balanced formula is gentle enough for everyday use and leaves your hair looking and feeling thoroughly clean

How the frig can they claim with a straight face that something is up to 100% effective? This is just English twisted to breaking point.

WTF?

I was standing looking at the magazines in Tescos and a thought struck me. Could someone please explain the rationale behind the covers of "Stuff"? Every month there is some female model, draped provocatively around some new games console, mp3 player or alike. My question is, do the uber geeks who buy this really think that the model, with the big tits, long legs and firm arse, on the cover is really getting aroused stroking that fecking Laptop? Perhaps they think "if I had that (insert brand) she'd wanna stroke me". No she won't. She'll think "you're a wab..."

Our Survey Says....Exactly What We Wanted (12)

Today's Survey....Company selling PC backup utilities says you should back up your PC

Top 10 data disasters revealed

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/6147984.stm

Hard drives kept in dirty socks and the dangers of oiling your PC feature in a top 10 list of data disasters. In one case, a university professor needed help after he tried to fix a squeaky desktop computer by squirting it with WD-40 oil. The squeak went away, but so did his data. In another case, the decision to send a damaged hard drive to data recovery firm OnTrack, which compiled the list, in a pair of socks did more damage.

Further

"No matter how catastrophic the situation may seem, it pays to have your hard drive or storage device evaluated by a professional service because chances are good that we'll be successful in recovering critical data regardless of how it was lost in the first place," said Phil Bridge, managing director of Ontrack UK.

I sure that the results of this survey are in no related to it being commissioned by a company which offers a data recovery service. Or something...

Breaking News - Customer gets refund....

Keep up to date with this breaking story here http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/6144782.stm

You must be frigging joking. This is news worthy? Some geek with an agenda gets a refund on a PC because it runs Windows Xp? And he's still not happy - he wants the money to come from Microsoft. You know I wonder how people like this would deal with a real crisis in their lives.

Our Survey Claims....Exactly What We Wanted (11)

Today's Survey....More stuff about Universities

Tutorials 'hit by staffing cuts'
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/6132108.stm

Rising student numbers and staffing cuts mean some undergraduates are receiving less academic support, the education quality watchdog has claimed.

A couple of weeks ago I posted about this http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/6099768.stm
and how it was reported.

Now I'm not going to debate (for once) the accuracy or bias which may have influenced this survey all I want to know is why one warrants "says", but the second gets the caveat "claims".
Does this mean that one less reliable that the other? Was the methodology open to question? Are the QAA not to be trusted?

Our Survey Says....Exactly What We Wanted (10)

Today's Survey....Company which builds websites for retailers says most retail websites are too slow

Websites face four-second cut-off

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/6131668.stm

If a website takes longer than four seconds to load, shoppers are likely to abandon it, a survey suggests.

I wonder how many customers from this list http://www.akamai.com/html/customers/customer_list.html they tried?

Er...

Why do marketers and advertisers think adding the prefix "i" to a word makes it some how more relevant?
i-it i-fucking i-doesn't.

Why do "analysts" and "industry insiders" think having two incompatible high definition video disc systems (BluRay and HD-DVD) is a bad thing, while having at least five incompatible video games systems (PS2, that Nintendo thing, the two xboxs and PCs (not including handheld systems) is a good thing?

Our Survey Says....Exactly What We Wanted (9)

Today's Survey....Organisation plugging Digital TV says people aren't buying digital TVs

Sales setback for digital TV sets

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6120442.stm

Almost two-thirds of television sets sold recently in the UK cannot receive digital TV signals.
Digital-ready TVs only accounted for 36% of sales over the summer, according to Digital UK - the independent body leading the switchover.

There's no question of analogue TVs becoming redundant," said Jon Steel, a spokesman for Digital UK, "but people find it easier to have integrated digital TVs".


This is, of course, utter rot. A TV with a SCART socket on the back is "Digital Compatible" in the same way that it is "VCR Compatible" and "DVD Compatible". And it's not like SCART connections are some sort of expensive new fangled technology that only uber-geeks use. SCARTs have been standard on TV's and VCR's for the last 20 years (they were introduced in France in the late 70's for goodness sake before being adopted across Europe).

It's even more inaccurate because the majority of DVB (digital tv settop boxes) sold also have an old type "aerial through" connection. Which means you simply plug the aerial into the DVB box, then take the cable and stick it into the back of the TV. Then you tune in a spare channel on the TV to the Set-Top box and bob is your uncle. Digital TV.

If this sounds familiar then it's exactly what that nice man from Laskey's did when your da bought the families first video in all it's piano key, top loading, one event timer, wired remote control glory. Indeed you could get your big old Ferguson TX set (complete with it's wood effect plastic finish) down from the roof space, plug in the same VCR (which will still work - old video recorders were built like battlecruisers) and then attach your set-top box. 21st Century Digital TV. 80's style.

Our Survey Says...Exactly What We Wanted (8)

Today's Survey.... Jargon damages work performance, finds organisation who offer to improve work performance

Workplace jargon 'isolates staff'

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/6118828.stm

Needless jargon in the workplace is baffling employees and widening the divide between management and staff, a survey suggests. Investors in People said that the proliferation of phrases such as "blue-sky thinking" and "brain dump" was damaging to British industry.

Directly from the press release the BBC semi reheated, Nicola Clark, Director at Investors in People (UK) claimed

"The research gives bosses an invaluable insight into the impact of management jargon on the workplace. Whilst it can be a useful shorthand at times, managers need to be more alert to when and how they use it. Cutting jargon out of everyday communication is clearly a challenge, with almost half (48%) of employees that use jargon admitting to using it without thinking. However, as our research shows, if used inappropriately, jargon can be an obstacle to understanding, which ultimately can impact on an individual's performance and an organisation's productivity. "

So meaningless jargon damages industry. I wonder what impact meaningless surveys have?

Er....

Why is it when TV documentaries interview people are speaking in their native language, they always insist in having a voiceover in a "comedy" English version? I watched a thing the other night about the Napoleonic Wars and it was like listening to Allo' Allo' (with more laughs, obviously)
Why when they insist on showing "recreations" they shoot them in B&W, undercrank the film and add noise to the picture to give it that "authentic silent movie gleam". I particularly enjoyed a documentary about Brunel which featured quite a few of these. The problem is that Brunel died in 1859, silent film didn't appear until c1894. It's as accurate as having John Lennon write a blog and releasing songs for download via his web site...

Which? Watch

It's that time of the month again. Two surveys caught the media's eye. One about dirty kitchens in Hospitals (like you have a choice which kitchen you can eat from while your in hospital) but the more interesting one "revealing" Supermarket financial services aren't as good as that offered by dedicated financial institutions. Shocking isn't it? I mean everything else supermarkets offer the consumer is the best avaliable. Just take a look at the quality of the own brand food they peddle. They only use finest, continental, hand selected, pure, artificial colouring and preservative. It seems they apply the same standards to their banking services. Of course there is a more fundamental point. What do people expect? Tescos, Waitrose, Sainsburys etc are bloody supermarkets not banks. If I could buy 1/2 a kilo of sprouts in a Barclays I'd kind of expect they'd be worse value and quality than those in Tesco.....

Our Survey Says...Exactly What We Wanted (7)

Today's Survey...Survey commissioned by Doctors claims Doctors are the most trusted profession.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6105616.stm

Members of the public trust doctors above all other professionals, according to a survey.
Pollsters commissioned by the Royal College of Physicians asked people whom they would trust to tell the truth from a list of 19 professions

Further

Ian Gilmore, President of the Royal College of Physicians, said he was delighted with the survey's findings.
The public approval fitted in with efforts made by the college to "redefine the doctor-patient relationship in a changing world", he said.
"With patients having access to an increasing range of health facts and figures about their health, it is reassuring to know that the doctor-patient relationship is still highly valued."

You'd think I'd made this up. But to be honest (as demonstrated by the last week) I don't need to. People may wonder why I think surveys are useless and the media are idiots for repeatedly publishing the results of these spurious polls without one single piece of analysis. But the question is - if I can do it why can't the media?

Our Survey Says...Exactly What We Wanted (6)

Today's Survey...Universities UK produce survey which doesn't say anything..

Student work rates 'vary widely'

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/6099768.stm

The work put in by students in England varies greatly between both subjects and institutions - bringing the value of a degree into doubt, a report says.

Er, no it doesn't. The BBC even contradicts this claim later in the article "The report does not prove that the degree classification system is flawed, but it certainly raises questions that need to be addressed"

Of course as anyone who's been reading this blog over the past week will realise the devil is in the detail. In the pre-amble to the report the UK Universities qualify the results thus

"5. The survey provides the most detailed account yet of what students receive when they study at an English university. Inevitably, though there are limits to the conclusions which can be drawn on the basis of the survey. The paragraphs below set out the most important of these considerations.

a. The survey reports the responses students gave to the questions asked about the number of hours of teaching they received, their own academic effort and their own satisfaction with their experiences. It may not, therefore, provide a definitive quantification of the amount of teaching provided in English universities the accounts students give may be unreliable.

So the data they are basing their conclusions on could be unreliable.

b. The survey has produced a set of quantitative indicators which describe what is provided in English universities but there is no suggestion that these are indicators of the quality of education. That is quite a different matter, and the formal teaching students receive -- and the amount of private study they undertake - are just some of the inputs that go towards determining the quality of the experience.

The data been quantified in a way that does not reflect the quality of the actual education the students get

c. The measures of satisfaction reported here are not intended to replicate or substitute for those provided by the National Student Survey (the latter provide a guide to overall levels of student satisfaction). They have been included to enable us to establish whether there is a link between the quantity of the different types of provision students report receiving and their satisfaction with it.

eh?

d. Whilst the sample is large, it is not large enough to provide reliable information on every subject offered in every institution. Because we required a minimum level of response before the results were treated as reliable there are many institutions where results are not shown. However, sufficient are shown to enable lessons to be drawn about provision across the sector as a whole. Annex B provides information about the sample.

It doesn't cover what it claims to cover i.e all the Universities in England

e. Where students are asked to reply in terms of activity in a week, it should be born in mind that universities have different numbers of weeks in an academic year (and in particular Oxford and Cambridge have fewer than others). These results (in these and other respects) cannot therefore be taken as saying all there is to say about the amount of provision that students receive.

And it's been skewed by other factors localised to certain Universities.

So let me get this straight. The data is potentially unreliable, doesn't measure quality, linked to something isn't quantified, doesn't include all that it proports to, and is skewed by local circumstances.

How the hell can it's results be treated with anything other than skeptism. To paraphrase - "The report is flawed, and it certainly raises questions that need to be addressed" such as why hell don't journalists bother to check things before publishing stories based on surveys, when even the most cursory glance would demonstrate that its flawed to the point of being utterly useless?

Our Survey Says...Exactly What We Wanted (5)

Today's survey* - Travel site you can't book Ryanair or Easyjet Flights via, claims Ryanair and Easyjet are rubbish

Ryanair - the world's least favourite airline

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,,1931403,00.html

The Guardian reports "In a poll of 4,000 travellers around the world, unfriendly staff were cited as the worst part of the Ryanair experience, followed by delays and poor legroom. Low-cost travel fares badly in the study, with easyJet coming second to its Irish rival in a questionnaire of British flyers"

Er (gawd I've been saying that a lot this week) far be it for me to point out the subtle piece of misdirection in this. In the first sentence it says 4,000 travellers from around the world were polled and in the second line it makes a distinction between this figure and the number of British flyers questioned. So how many was it? Interesting as well that on the Trip Advisor website http://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/pages/press_news_102506 you'll notice the press release doesn't even mention Ryanair or Easyjet. Which I suppose could be explained by the possiblity that the media get a different version of the report, targetted more specifically at their local market

Further information about this survey was published on the BBC's website. They report that the Trip Advisor survey named British Airways as the best Airline

Out of interest I tried to book flights from Stansted Airport (Ryanair's European centre and one of Easyjets main hubs) to Dublin and Belfast respectively. You know just to see how Trip Advisor punters would encounter the whole Ryanair / Easyjet experience from booking to flying. Guess what? You can't. The following error occured when trying to get a flight from STN (Stansted) to BFS (Belfast International) "Sorry, we could not find any flights between STN and BFS" which is curious given that Easyjet (their second worst airline) fly from Stansted to Belfast upto 5 times a day. The same error message occurs when trying to book a Ryanair flight from STN to DUB(lin). So I had a dig around just to see which airlines I could book flights with. Guess which airline's flights are available via the site. No really, you'll never guess...

*it was actually published yesterday but Blogger was down for essential maintenance

Our Survey Says...Exactly What We Wanted (4)

Today's Survey - Bed Manufacturer's organisation says you should buy a new bed so you can sleep better.
http://www.responsesource.com/releases/rel_display.php?relid=27806&hilite=

GRUMPY OLD WOMEN
It’s official! Women are grumpier than men in the morning.They are not only grumpier more often than men but they are grumpier for longer.According to a new Sleep Council survey, 24% of men say they never wake up in a bad mood as opposed to only 14% of women. The fairer sex is also more likely to stay grumpier for longer with 13% of them staying in a bad mood for two to four hours (men 10%).

Further the "comfort of a bed was quite a significant factor in these results,” says Jessica Alexander (Sleep Council Spokesperson). “Because while many people find it hard to tear themselves out of a comfortable bed in the morning, another 10% of participants cited a bad bed as a reason for poor sleep. Clearly these people either need to replace their bed more often or pay more for something in which they spend a third of their lives.”

The interesting thing about this survey (light-hearted as it is) is that it's been produced by the Sleep Council. Sounds impressive until you realise the Sleep Council (from their website) "is a non-profit organisation, limited by guarantee and funded by bed manufacturers, retailers and suppliers." mmmm....

Our Survey Says...Exactly What We Wanted (3)

Today's survey - Anti-bullying in work survey reveals bullying in work
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/6076902.stm

Bullying hits 20% of UK workers
One in five UK workers have faced bullying and harassment at work in the past two years, a survey says

A serious issue, but why do they feel the need to back this up with a survey? Frankly if it was only 1% of workers experiencing bullying at work then that would still be 1% too many.

I only started doing this with surveys yesterday and already there is a depressing pattern emerging.

Our Survey Says...Exactly What We Wanted (2)

Today's second survey - Organisation promoting energy saving finds energy being wasted.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6075794.stm

UK 'tops energy wasters league'
Britons are the worst energy wasters in Europe with bad habits which could cost £11bn by 2010, a survey of Europe's five most populous nations suggests.

Er? How can the BBC claim Britons are the worst energy wasters in Europe when the survey didn't cover all the countries in Europe? This is an important issue being clouded by sensationalist (and frankly inaccurate) headlines

Our Survey Says...Exactly What We Wanted

Today's First survey - Children's geography magazine finds British children don't know their geography.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6074202.stm

According to the results "One in 10 children could not name a single continent. One in five British children cannot find the UK on a map of the world..."

Which roughly translated means - "if you want your kids to learn about geography buy a magazine you'd never have otherwise heard of if it wasn't for the results of this survey being printed on the BBC site"

DFS Sale Watch

6 Days after the end of "The 50% Off The 07 Collection Sale", it's now "The 50% Off The Winter Collection Sale"
How do they do it?

Er.....

Why does everyone who posts pictures on flickr feel obligated to have at least one "artsy" landscape photograph?
Who reads newspaper columns called things like "The Insider" and believes them?
Why do said columns always feature photos of people you've never heard of standing on the entrance steps of hotels?
When was the last you watched an interview on TV and thought "I didn't know that"?
Why do people think Radio 2 has got better, when the truth is they've just got older?

Chip and Pin(ched?)

I've actually been thinking about this whole chip and pin thing. We've been told by the people who know (they must be experts as I saw one of them being interviewed by Declan Curry on BBC Breakfast) that chip and pin is more secure than the old signature system as it's more difficult to forge. Er? Picture the scene. You're at a restaurant / bar etc and the bill comes. Without thinking they present you with one of those portable chip and pin devices. You happily pop in your number (leaving a tip as well). Do you see the problem? No? How do you know that this device is what it proports to be? Still not concerned? Okay let me put it another way. The smart chip in credit cards is (broadly at least) the same technology used in SIM cards. Did you know you can buy SIM card copiers. And it's not as if they hard things to get. They even sell them in the local supermarket up from my parents house. It doesn't take a massive leap of imagination to see where this is going does it? If SIM cards can be copied them the smart chips in credit cards can be copied as well. All it takes is for someone to disguise this as a portable chip and pin machine and Bob's your uncle, a device which copies the data from your chip, captures the pin number. If they wanted to be really smart they could also incorporate on of those pinhole cameras (like the ones we're always warned about being attached to cash machines) to take a photo of the security number on the back of the signature strip. Of course it will also copy the data on the magnetic strip as well. All it's cost the crooks is a meal, and while your scoffing the cheap sweeties they've given you with the receipt, your bank account is being emptied.

Er I think I'm going to revert back to cash, or to paraphrase someone "if it doesn't scratch glass I don't accept it"

Which? Watch +++UPDATE+++

Following on from the high profile Which? campaign Tescos relented and have fitted "chip and pin" readers on their self service tills. Bravo all concerned.

You shouldn't....

Trust people who use fountain pens.
Buy albums which have the best known track on twice.
Use condoms which claim to be "natural".
Think you're getting a bargain on ebay.
Believe newspaper columnists with head and shoulders photos beside their names.

Which? Watch

Bang on cue. Tesco's Self Service Tills Fraud Risk.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/5406742.stm

They've only just discovered (as someone who has used these tills regularly for the past 18 months will tell you) when you use a credit card they don't ask for any sort of validation let alone a pin number. You just swipe (ahem) and go. So why has the self appointed champion of consumer rights taken so long to spot this glaring security lapse? Which? readers shop in Waitrose, so they wouldn't know that a "Tesco" is, let alone that they have self service tills.

But now Which? are on the case we can rest easy in bed, knowing that our stolen credit cards can't be used for buying bog rolls, Rizlas and packets of Monster Munch in Tescos anymore.

Don't Do As We Do, Do As We Say...

I mentioned I'd tell you about my experience with the Consumer's Association (aka Which?) when I could be bothered. Years ago I wanted to buy a personal stereo. Now I don't buy things without doing some research, and this being pre-internet days I decided that the best place to look was in Which?. So I took out their 3 Month Trial offer. And lo and behold they reviewed Personal Stereos. And on their recommendation I bought an Aiwa (G53 I think). Quality bit of kit and well worth the £45.

As I'd no further need for Which? I wrote them a nice letter telling them to cancel the three month trial (which they'd stated was all I needed to do). Imagine my shock when they sent me another copy. So I posted it back to them, with another letter saying "stop this please". But they weren't going to let a little thing like me cancelling my subscription to stop them, ohhh no. I got another one. So I wrote again, this time telling them that I didn't want their bloody magazine and was cancelling the direct debit.

Imagine my lack of surprise when another issue popped through the letter box. So I posted it back to them again. For about three weeks there was nothing. Then I got a letter from them. This one was threatening me with a debt collection agency as they'd been unable to take the payment from my bank account. So off I went to Belfast City Library to do a little bit of research on how to deal with this. One quick look later and I had what I needed, what steps I had to take to deal with people who don't pay a blind bit of attention to letters and then threaten court action. I copied it out of an edition of Which? pretty much word for word, and posted it off to them. I've never heard from them since.

So you'll understand my scepticism when I see them publish some article condemning others when they were just as guilty. As the old saying goes "People in glass houses shouldn't get dressed at the window..."

WTF?

Just in case anyone is wondering (which would be a miracle given that this blog hasn't been looked at by anyone other than me) where the DFS Sale thing came from. I'm just going to keep a tally of the number of times DFS are having a sale. Don't know what this will prove though, other that it's probably more difficult to buy one of their sofas when it's not on "Sale" than it would be for me to fly to the moon under my own power…
I'm also going to be noting when the Consumers Association (aka "Which") manage to get one of their surveys / product tests mentioned on the BBC site. I reckon that this will occur once a month when the new issue comes out. It always astonishes me that such a narrow interest group has the ability to set the news agenda one day a month…
At some point as well (when I can be bothered) I'll post my experiences with said organisation. They were the first (but not the last) bunch of Comanche's that applied the old adage "don't do as we do, do as we say" in their dealings with me.

DFS SALE Watch

It's SALE time at DFS. This time it's upto £300 off on the 07 collection.

Advertising Claims - Bottled Water now Pure, Natural and Organic

Water is made from Hydrogen and Oxygen. Anything that isn't either of these two elements is an impurity. How can they claim on the front label to be "pure" and yet at the same time list the impurities on the back (you know all that dry residue malarky)
It's "Natural" as well. Eh? Presumably water that doesn't have the word "natural" in it's description is somehow artifical.
And it's organic. Excuse me but how the fuck can water be organic? Is organic water made from free range rain or something?

Tonight our team captains are...

The winners of the Edinburgh Festival Comedy Awards have been announced. The names change but it's all predictably familiar. As usual the winner (Josie Long) of the best newcomer award hails from an Oxbridge (why is it never Camford?) University. Now either these Universities attract the cream of new comedy talent, (separating the Hugh Lawrie's from the John Cleese's by an exam and a viva "So Miss Long apart from "surprise and fear" what are our four main weapons?") Camford students are genetically funnier, or the judges like to award things to fellow alumini. You know with the success these Universities have in the field of comedy I'm surprised they don't demand it's immediate inclusion in the University performance league tables. I'd imagine some opposition. If you were the Vice Chancellor Of Queen's University Belfast would you want your success to be measured by the number of Patrick Kieltys you produce?

I digress. According to the BBC the winner, Canadian Phil Nicol was a "flamboyant comedy character on the Fringe who blew everybody away with an outstanding show". His show "describes a debauched weekend in Amsterdam when he comes across drug dealers, taxi drivers and racists" Good to see he's avoiding the easy targets. I'm sure his diary is now full of invitations to appear on smug BBC2 panel shows. A fate that will be shared by the runners up. This year they included "a gay Asian GP Paul Sinha, Bristol stand-up Russell Howard, Irishman David O'Doherty". So a Canadian beat a gay Asian, an Englishman and an Irishman. Is this supposed to be some sort of a joke?

And this is me

Watching the History of Light Entertainment last night. This week they were focusing on "impersonators and impressionists". Needless to say Rory Bremner was mentioned - with the breathless reverence the man responsible for "N-nineteen Not Out" deserves. Apparently his show is full of biting satire and wit. I'd have to agree. Think of all those great sketches which beautifully lampoon current affairs and have become firmly embedded in the public conciousness. Like....... er........ mmm...... ahhh..... ummmm.... "N-nineteen Not Out"
The problem with Rory Bremner is twofold. One he's preaching to the choir and two he isn't as funny or ridiculous as the people he's supposedly sending up. It's toothless, comfortable, cosy satire for Daily Telegraph readers in the Home Counties. Presumably the same people who thought his spoof cricket record was funny enough to actually go out and buy it.

Advertising Claims - Now "New" and "Improved"

"New" and "Improved". Interesting. If something is "new" it hasn't existed before. If it hasn't existed before how can it be "improved"?

Advertising Claims - Tescos Car Insurance. Very Little Help

Apparently Tescos are offering a great deal on car insurance for everyone.
Except for people who fall into the categories listed in the on screen disclaimer.

..and so it begins

And if you are reading this welcome to my blog. The media tell us blogs are eroding peoples reliance on the traditional form of mass communication. In the future there'll be no newspapers or news websites, (and no heaven too) just the world reading blogs. So seeking to shroud myself in the spurious legitimacy such empty headed claims give here's mine.

Enjoy....