So I took advantage (if "advantage" is the right word) of a discounted subscription* to Empire, the self-styled "World's Leading Movie Magazine". There's £18 I'm not getting back. It has a routine it slavishly sticks to; preview the movie, then ramp up the hype until, in the the month of its release, they print a series of oleaginous interviews with the director and the "stars", before delivering a four star review, which will be revised upwards or downwards depending on how the wind has blown in the intervening months between its cinematic and home video release. Interspersed between the emptiness are cuddly, thumbs aloft, yet somnolent interviews where never a critical word is issued or a pointed question is asked, "funny lists" and retrospectives of films they now pretend they liked.
And repeat until the Universe is a dilute gaseous stew of decaying protons
*They produce a "Limited Edition Collectors Cover" magazine especially for subscribers. It usually features a photoshopped PR still from the film they've just spent the last couple of months plugging. They are marvellous. No. Wait. That's wrong. What's the opposite of "marvellous?"
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