Updated updates. Update

Anyway my job hunt takes me to distant climes this week, so I doubt I'll get a chance to update this over the next few days. On my return expect the gurning to recommence, albeit with a very faint Geordie accent. 

My "wear sunscreen" moment.

After the events of this week, when I was treated like a participant in an episode of "The Chuckle Brothers", complete with a "to me, to you" moment, I thought it would be a good time to reflect on this whole recruitment agency thingy. Way back at the start of this adventure I was given some advice about using agencies, how they work and the pitfalls I might encounter. 

• Agencies have their own goals, targets and motivations. These may, occasionally and only for short periods, broadly coincide with yours.
• The only time they will be interested in assisting is when they've already placed you in a job.
• You are a drain on their resources until they land you a job. 
• As they provide this service for free expect a standard that reflects it's cost.
• The staff turnover within agencies is enormous. Don't expect to speak to the same person twice. 
• They won't read your CV. They word / phrase spot. Therefore aim low. Keep it punchy.
• There is no such thing as a "good" agency, but there are plenty of bad ones.
• Remember they are doing you a favour. There is no "obligation" on their behalf. Nor can you treat them as if there is. 
• Complaining ends the relationship. 
• Be persistent, but not too insistent. 

9 months on and I'd add

• Accept that agencies will advertise the same job, subtly amended, under a variety of guises just to maximise the number of people likely to apply.
• They advertise jobs that don't exist.   
• The jobs they advertise generally have little resemblance to the "actual" job.
• Many of the jobs advertised will have had the job descriptions filtered and then amended to suit the needs of the Agency, not the employer.  
• The agents you speak to have no real idea about the minutiae of the jobs they claim to be experts about. Any "expertise" is a facile bluff.
• They will tell you bare faced lies.
• They will tell you what you want to hear, especially if they think they can benefit.
• They will not follow through on promises.
• Treat that they say with healthy scepticism. 
• Sharp practice is endemic. And, I'd say, encouraged.
• Cut out the middle man. If you can, apply directly to the Employer.
• They will not volunteer information, however it is possible to extract more information than you'd otherwise be privy. Guile is a tool. Use it.  
• There are no good agencies. They are all crap. Not "crap" in the "with a little tweaking they'd be better" sense, but rather in the "institutionally incompetent to the point it's been formalised then fully incorporated into the organisation's structure, where a dedicated management team exists whose sole purpose is to ensure bad practice is actively pursued and that any signs of professionalism are completely eradicated from the business" sense. 

But probably the most important thing I've learned is that you have to put these considerations aside and actively participate in the charade. No matter how much it might stick in your craw. 

Exasperation. That's what you need

With apologies to Roy Castle.

So (predictably) my phone call didn't go well. But then I spied another job. With another agency. And, shockingly, when I rang, they rang me back. And when I sent my CV across 10 minutes later I got a call suggesting some amendments. "Come in and see us and we'll talk about the interview"

I was dumbfounded. So off I went, with an unfamiliar feeling in my gut. I think it's called "hope".

That didn't last. The girl I went to see wasn't there. So I was passed from pillar to post, around the office, until someone drew the short straw. And then it dawned on me. "Here we go again". So I filled in their forms. I listened to the person who'd no idea about the job, who I was, or what I was talking about, (par for the course then) tell me "I'd" be in touch. (Presumably this refers to the collective "I" rather than her specifically)

For. Fuck. Sake. 

Foul mood? Yeah that just about covers it.  

"...they're giving none away"

Just a couple of things in passing. I was in HMV this week. I did my semi-regular Dark Side of the Moon price check. The 30th Anniversary edition was on sale In Belfast this week for an eye watering £20. £20 for a 7 year old re-issue of 37 year old album? They are, quite clearly, "having a laugh". Perhaps I shouldn't extrapolate from this one example, but it strikes me as peculiar that so many seen to think that only reason for their decline in sales is internet piracy. To the point I've had to conclude that they can't be that naive. And so rather than consider pricing as a contributing factor it's just easier to blame a faceless bogeyman - the internet pirate for their ills. Which, rather neatly, allows them to sidestep any culpability. But the point is moot. Whatever the reason, I think it's a mindset that is, inevitably, leading to tears. 

Saw this article about Independent record shops on the BBC website. More interesting is the link to this website. Now the site has the faint whiff of Euronics about it, but it seems their hearts are in the right place, so it gets a thumbs up from me. Well, kind of. The link to a pdf called the "Record Store Survival guide" has set my "Spider sense" tingling. But I'll come back to this - when my head isn't filled with "redoing CVs again, for the nth time".

"...banging your head against some mad buggers wall"

Anyway the job I mentioned here is still being advertised. This despite the rather significant fact the closing date for applications was the 10th January. Sharp practice? Wash your mouth out with soap and water.

The crowd I was whinging about last week finally sent me a copy of the job description they'd promised. Despite being grilled about C#, Java and HTML the actual knowledge requirement was summed up in the phrase "software technology skills". Clearly the agency knows more about the company and their requirements than the company itself. 

I've been talking this week to another agency. They rang on Tuesday about an "exciting opportunity". It's always refreshing to speak to an agency that isn't based in Belfast (or Northern Ireland for that matter) as they always come across as more focused and more professional. So when they said they'd send me details, I had them before I'd got off the phone. Twenty minutes later I'd emailed a reply, keen to know the next step. Then I rang them. Then I rang them again. And then four times yesterday. As soon as I post this I'm going to ring them again. But now in hope more than expectation. In fact it's not hope. It's resignation. 

And this is the thing. The old familiar feeling of banging my head against another wall. Sorry scrub that. As an agency is involved I'm banging my head against a wall in front of the wall I should be banging my head against.

If you want to know what exasperation looks like, this is it.

A week without mp3s. Another update.

A while ago I posted this and posed the question, who, exactly, is Spotify aimed at? Just to give you a flavour (and so that you an avoid all that difficult clicking on a link malarkey) here are the highlights.


'...is it that I can't stomach the fact that Spotify is a half-arsed, knee jerk response to the idea that the music industry will only survive if it gives music away for free?' 


'...if you are a listener who can cope with the music being free, but interrupted with commercials, then are you really going to buy the same track so that you can hear it without the commercials?'


'...Isn't it (Spotify) just a place where people can hear things that they might like, but that they'd never actually buy? If that's the case then what's the point exactly?" 


And lo and behold someone has come (broadly at least) to the same conclusion. Warner Brothers have decided to stop licensing music to free streaming services (story here) as they aren't making any money from it, as surprise surprise no bugger wants to sign up for the premium service.  

The fact that Warner Brothers thought that a service as flawed as Spotify could be a viable source of revenue demonstrates a fundamental misunderstanding of how people work. If you give something away, it will, despite the compromises and restrictions you impose, always be more attractive than a "premium" version. People, especially the casual listener Spotify is pitched at will either work around these limitations or go elsewhere to get their content free. And if that means back to the radio or piracy then that's where they'll go. Further, and as I've mentioned before, the basic motivation behind Spotify that music must be given away, punctuated with the odd ad, simply reinforces the perception that it has no intrinsic value.  

Back to the drawing board I'm afraid. 

You should also be wary if

• that website you're about to spend thousands on, doesn't have a physical address.
• the album has the suffix "Part 2".
• they claim to be "The Drifters".
• the term "fun pub" is used.
• the sign says "students welcome."
• they can't be fed after midnight.
• you can't get them wet. Ever.
• the only reading material is bound in human skin and has the word "Dead" in the title.
• the celebrity endorsement is by Sue Pollard.
• you get a free laptop / games console just for signing up.
• you just have to pay the tax on your flights.
• they don't have any, but they can order one in for you
• they don't have any, but they do have one that's "just as good."
• it says "Amstrad"
• it can be enjoyed as part of a "balanced breakfast."
• it requires you to have a "healthy lifestyle."
• it's full of natural goodness.
• it contains no non-artificial ingredients.
• it's not just any food, it's Marks and Spencer food.
• the letters "q" and "u" have been replaced with "k" and "w."
• words ending in "y" have been changed to end in "ie"
• the supermarket has prefixed it with the word "value".
• you're told the colour of the wiring isn't important.
• you get a vote of confidence from the chairman.
• people around you start spelling words out.
• you're linked with the QPR job.
• there is a TV programme where you can win £100k simply by dialling a telephone number and naming something you'd expect to find in an envelope that begins with the letter "R".
• you are related (no matter how remotely) to Jessica Fletcher.
• there's a flash on the box saying "as seen on TV".
• beside their picture, is the name of their TV character and the TV programme they appear in.
• it's been called a "stunning return to form."
• there's a no obligation, 30 day, free in home trial.
• they've been dead for 20 years yet the latest "greatest hits" album features new tracks.
• it's described as a "re-imagining" 
• a group of kids and their pet dog turn up in a van and start investigating paranormal activity.
• your friends start avoiding daylight and develop a dislike for garlic.
• your neighbour has taken delivery of a food processor and 10 tonnes of fertiliser.
• it says "too raunchy for TV".
• it's cheaper when there are none in stock.
• you win a competition you didn't enter.
• it's a DFS sofa not in the sale.
• your house was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
• a recruitment agency says they'll definitely ring you back.
• it includes the word "virtually".
• the manufacturer claims it's the next big thing.
• a serpent tells you it's okay to eat the apple.

You should be wary if

• the cover features "from one of producers of"
• the film gets four stars from Caravanning Monthly.
• this is the only review to feature on the poster or TV advertisement.  
• you have to spend over a certain amount to qualify for the additional advertised saving.
  
• it comes with "free appliances".
  
• the company, for no good reason, uses an umlaut in their name.
  
• they offer you a points / loyalty card.
  
• it says "for illustration purposes only."
  
• it says "serving suggestion."
  
• the product features a nutritional serving / portion size on the packaging divided by any number other than 1.
  
• it's a once in a lifetime offer.
  
• they promise no salesperson will call.
  
• it's risk free.
  
• it's cached in equivocation, such as "up to 100%".
  
• they claim it's 100% natural.
  
• the APR is the sharp side of 2500%
  
• it's void where prohibited.
  
• it produces an oily residue.
  
• it's a miracle. 
  
• it's revolutionary.
• it's benefit has a three letter acronym.
• their ad features a golfer. In a Pringle jumper. And a baseball cap.
• their slogan talks of "synergies" (or any derivative) 
  

Parlez-Vous Anglais?

Well my optimism lasted less than a day. I spotted a job yesterday. I rang the agency and had a long chat. It seemed to go well, and thought it was worth a punt. I was told they'd send me a copy of the job description and some other details "as soon as I get off the phone".  

Needless to say my latest, new, special, recruitment agency buddy hasn't. Nor has he been 'available' this morning to take any calls.

I signed on today as well. They did a job search for me. This time? The language required was French.

Really.

Why do they bother?

Odd and Sods - More More More

Yeah it's February. And it's a Monday. Meaning there's not only a new week to be stained with disappointment, but a whole new month as well. 
In an effort stop this from happening I've spent the last weekend "re-imagining" my CV. The last version (barely a day old) was fine I suppose. This one? It has a motorbike chase in the middle plus a big song and dance number at the end. It's a winner. To hell with getting a job. This needs a movie deal.