OMGZ! LOLZ! ROFL! WTF? ETC!

 

Move along there's nothing to see here. Although, and in fairness, at least it is a video featuring someone - Carole Hersee to be precise. Granted she's holding a piece of chalk, playing Noughts and Crosses against a toy clown, rather than telling you how many people haven't read your Facebake profile. But, as anyone who has ever clicked on any of those links which claim to do such things will know, this is probably just as accurate.  

EXCLUSIVE! AS1967 discusses the future of "Angry Since 1967" in his own words

Contraitioned sinctionlary. Dispotispic uxtirnel? Yiaps.

Today's figure pulled from the "cost to the economy" hat is

"Millions"

If ever there was an example of the bollox at the core of stories like this, then here it is. No figures, no proof, just a suggestion that something might, under certain circumstances, cost somebody something. And yet, there it is published in all its unchallenged glory, destined to be quoted as a substantiated source, not because it is a substantiated source, but because it has had this legitimacy conferred by implication; "It's on the BBC so it must be true" 

Angry Since 1967 Sky acquistion "possible"

We can exclusively reveal that Angry Since 1967 is examining its "options" with consideration to purchasing Sky. Details of the offer, which sources indicate may extend to the acquisition of a Sky Plus HD box and a multiroom subscription, have caused shockwaves within Virgin Media, who many considered the clear favourites for this lucrative contract. One analyst claimed that while "Angry Since 1967" had gone through a period of "uncertainty", the recent termination of its contract with O2 for its broadband provision and the subsequent move to Virgin Media showed an altogether more "focused stance" than they had come to expect. This decision they claim, followed by the resignation of several people in O2 reported at the time as temporary contracts ending, shows "a willingness to change".  Virgin Media seemed well poised to benefit from AS1967 new strategy, and speculation was mounting that they, rather than Sky, would be confirmed as AS1967s TV supplier. "If Sky have in secured the deal then it would be something of a surprise." Although no-one from Angry Since 1967 was available for comment, one well placed source claimed that AS1967s "reliance" on Freeview was now considered "untenable" as the "reception is bollocks" meaning they can't "record anything without it becoming a mess of pixelated interference" so they just want something which "bloody well works, even if it does cost me an extra £20 a month"

Shares in both companies remained unchanged. 

"Beleaguered" blog denies "takeover" plans on "agenda"

Beleaguered blog Angry Since 1967 has been forced to deny rumours of a takeover. Speaking earlier a spokesperson claimed "A takeover? Have you taken leave of your senses? Oh right I get it, you are now going to just ask me random questions, hoping to get a denial , the existence of which legitimises the original outlandish claim". Commenting further he also denied rumours of plans to invade China, an Angry Since 1967 manned mission to Jupiter and the invention of cold fusion using nothing more than a 7-Up soaked tampon and some chalk. Responding to this latter statement a physicist claimed Angry Since 1967's denial of involvement in cold fusion experiments would "fuel" speculation that Angry Since 1967 are on the cusp of "something", although they wouldn't be drawn if this would be sustainable cold fusion or just a sticky, faintly lemon and lime smelling, female sanitary product.  

Ravaged blog "concedes" hacking allegations.

AS1967 was embroiled in further controversy last night following an admission that it previously engaged in "hacking". This bombshell follows recent revelations about the blogs declining readership and resultant financial cut backs. Conceding the point, AS1967 admitted that "hacking" had been endemic in the past. "I now freely admit I hacked people. In my defence though, this was entirely due to my lack of skill at football, particularly went it came to tackling." Pressed on the point, AS1967 denied "hacking" still occurred. "At my age? Have you seen the shape of me? I haven't hacked anyone since I retreated back to nets".  

Troubled blog announces "cost cutting measure"

Embattled blog Angry Since 1967 has, following the publication of its latest figures, announced a range of cost cutting measures, the most controversial being a reduction in the number of vowels used per posting. Speaking exclusively Angry Since 1967 claimed the recent hike in the cost of vowels was "unacceptable" and demanded action from the government. "We think it is appalling that every time we use a vowel the government adds a 60% levy. What we are asking for, especially in light of the recent punitive increases in the cost of exclamation marks, is for the government to either pick something else to tax, or ask the vowel producing nations to up production. These recent cost increases, exacerbated by the global shortage in the lower case "u's", has encouraged speculators to move in, sensing a way to make easy profits. The Government seems unwilling to acknowledge they can help ease the pressure"

Statistics suggest 3 letters out of 5 go straight to the Government, something which has long been a source of friction. This was most visibly demonstrated during the recent "recite the alphabet slowly" campaign which brought several large regional dialects of English to a virtual halt. Campaigners claim, unlike other nations where tax breaks are available for those who use random umlauts or circumflexes, the UK is out of sync with the rest of Europe; "We are being penalised simply to fill the deficit left when the EU banned governments from taxing the use of single digit prime numbers". Angry Since 1967 would not be drawn on possible responses, although speculation is mounting that it will shortly abandon vowels altogether and start publishing its posts in Welsh.   

"Embattled" blog announces relaunch and revamp.

Following disappointing reading figures AS1967 has undergone another major revamp. In a letter meant for staff members only, the change in editorial focus, repositioning the blog as a celebrity news site, is described as "drinking at the last chance fucking saloon sunshine." It continues, claiming they have "decided to pin the blame for the decrease in readership on internet piracy and the recession, despite it being entirely our own fault". To counter this decline they claim that "after 3 seconds consideration, we've decided the one sure way to keep AS1967 afloat until it's bailed out by a Russian billionaire, is to follow the herd and fill this becalmed whale of a thing with the minutia of the lives of former soap stars, celebrity postmen and people who've featured in reality TV shows". Responding to questions about how these changes would fit with AS1967's Ofblog charter requirements, they claimed "fine, be like that. But don't blame us if no-one reads it any more and we're forced to close the blog, putting literally a single person out of work. Although technically they don't actually "work" rendering point entirely moot". 

This is the latest in a long line of increasingly desperate revamps for the troubled blog. It lost half of both its readers when it moved to being written topless. Further damage was caused when an attempt to market it as a lads blog, failed thanks to "lads" being transposed as "labs", causing bafflement and bewilderment to dog owners and experimental chemists everywhere. One expert claimed this could be a final throw of the dice "the next step is for them to become a 3D blog, although the technology to deliver this is both expensive and limited. Everyone, including those those with perfect vision will be forced to wear peculiar contraptions in front of their eyes, precariously balanced on the user with little more than ear holders and the top of the viewers nose for support. Although there has been great strides made in the performance of these devices, they are normally restricted to people who are either long or short sighted. The technology is therefore completely unproven". Analysts suggest if this revamp were to fail then the outlook is "bleak", most agreeing the likely outcome for AS1967 is for it to be used to sell Ipod accessories at greatly inflated prices.