Fans "outraged" as products without a "Star Wars" tie-in are launched.

                                               

Questions have been "raised" after products were released today, NOT featuring a "Star Wars" tie-in. Instead the products, which are generic processed foods, just have the brand name, a description and a slightly optimistic picture of the contents complete with the words "Serving Suggestion" on the packaging. 

Outraged "Star Wars" fans reacted angrily to the launch. Many took to Twitter to complain, while others painted their arses blue and waved them at the passing traffic, while making light sabre-esque swooshing and humming noises. 

Adult child, Luke Solo, 53 self-declared Jedi Ambassador to the forest moon of Endor, said he was "appalled". "At this auspicious time, when a new chapter in the Star Wars saga is released, isn't it reasonable to expect every single product lining the shelves, be they condoms or bog rolls, dog food or sweeties, to be emblazoned with a "Star Wars" tie-in? Remember, many Boothan's died for this. And the absence of any "Star Wars" branding on these products is simply an outrageous and calculated slur to their memory. Frankly, that they couldn't even Wedge in an oblique reference to these films says much about the contempt this manufacturer has for the Force. And I'm not the only one who finds their lack of faith, disturbing"

Leading comedian, and Edinburgh Fringe Festival fixture, Tedium Panelshow said, "Stay on target, that's no Moon, It's a trap. I got a little cooked, but I'm okay. Use the Force, Luke". These comments were greeted with much appreciative smirking. Recalling the first time, twenty years ago, a comedian spouted random, out of context "Star Wars" dialogue for comedic effect, fan Rick Tusgrin said "that just doesn't get old" adding "holding her is dangerous" he chortled, before immediately getting a gig writing a Hollywood summer blockbuster that is now due for release in 2016.

"Rare" Angry Since 1967 articles "Saved for The Nation"

Following a long campaign, rare Angry Since 1967 articles have been saved for the nation. This follows fears the collection, containing drafts and unpublished blog posts, would pass into foreign ownership. The campaign, which raised several pence, announced it had secured the documents for posterity. Speaking to the press, AS1967 said "this is fantastic news. Foreign ownership could have meant these posts never seeing the light of day. Now, while they will still never see the light of day, at least the light of day they won't be seeing is in the UK"

On the news "We Have Explosive" by 90s Ambient giants "Future Sound of London", re-entered the singles chart at number 195.   

AS1967 to be delivered by Drone

AS1967 announced to a shocked media, that it will be the World's first blog delivered by Drone. Speaking at the annual AS1967 Conference, Angry Since 1967 claimed "we've always been at the forefront of bandwagons. We tweeted, twerked, prinked, happy-slapped, memed, viralled, kickstarted, crowd sourced, flash-mobbed, You-Tubed, Liked and even Woollarded, before any of our competitors even knew what these were. Now, as the globe stands poised on the cusp of next media circle fuck, we at Angry Since 1967 make the paradigm shift real. This blog will be the first delivered by Drone. "Droning" will redefine the social media ecosystem and render everything else obsolete."

Following the announcement speculation mounted as to how this would be actually delivered or what the precise mechanics of this would entail. Would, for example Drone's despatch copies of the blog directly to subscribers? If so, how would that work exactly? Will they need a licence to fly these Drones? Does the CAA need to be informed? And what happens if there is a catastrophic failure? Wouldn't they need to have a single person allocated to fly each Drone? Will they be controlled from line of sight or remotely? And if remotely, again how would that work? Will they be flown from central control room? Will the deliveries be any quicker? Won't the Drone only be able to deliver one thing at a time before it has to fly back to base - where ever that base may be located? Are they allowed to fly these Drone's during the hours of darkness? Isn't likely to be more expensive to build an entirely new and (frankly) unnecessary infrastructure to support this mechanism when a very efficient delivery system already exists? Won't the public end up paying more for delivery? Why not just use the Post Office?  And a whole host of other questions which no-one has bothered asking, let alone answering. Dismissing these queries as "old media, obstructionist thinking" AS1967 said "trust me, it will just work" 

Shares in Bebo stiffened on the news

Controversial TV Show FAILS to Trigger Social Media STORM!

Broadcasters are reeling today after last night's deeply controversial TV programme didn't generate a single indignant tweet, complaining email or the much anticipated social media furore. The show which claimed CENSORED had REDACTED over the past year. It also featured REMOVED FOR LEGAL REASONS showing WITHHELD and SUBJECT OF A SUPER INJUNCTION engaged in EXPUNGED. The photograph's accompanying the documentary were indescribably graphic, featuring scenes of vile depravity. 

The programme makers claimed "we'd gone out of our way to be offensive. Tastelessly so. And what do we get? Nothing. Not a single, solitary, frigging word. Our hashtag #deliberatelyoffensiveanddesignedpurelytoprovokeanangryaresponse is the first, on record, to get minus retweets. The bastards"

Leading Social Media commentator Foe O'Utrage, who last week was quoted as an expert on something entirely unrelated, claimed "Something vaguely plausible, dropping in some "on trend" buzzwords which leave you ultimately none the wiser" 

On the news, not much changed. 

AS1967 disappears in a puff of "metaphysical, post modernism"

Today, millions of social media users will post links to vaguely satirical websites. The link, which drops you onto a pop-up demanding that you "like us on Facebook NOW! You WILL buy one of our fucking T-shirts. Or BOOK. OR ELSE!!!" and which otherwise obscures an article that, once the X button to dismiss is located, barely raises a smirk.

Pun Name who represents a long established fortnightly satirical magazine claimed these sites would "hasten the death of paid-for satire". "Our corporate sponsors demand circulation. If this declines due to the easy availability of free satire, then where else will hedge funds and investment bankers advertise? People simply don't realise the human consequences of clicking a link to The Daily Spud or The Bunion".

Another commentator warned the unregulated proliferation of such sites meant global satire reserves were on the brink of "exhaustion". "We've already seen this happening to the comedy market, where resources are now so scarce, even people like Andy Parsons and Sarah Millican have been able to eke out successful careers as stand-ups" 

On the news, irony announced it had postponed building its long promised bypass.  

Report Warns 76% Increase in Health Warnings Coinciding With Reports about Health Warnings.

The increase in health warnings associated with reports revealing warnings about previously unknown health dangers is likely to continue, warns a report commissioned by the British Health Warning Association (BMWA). The report also warns the recent spate of health warnings which "coincide" with reports warning about the health dangers of things otherwise previously thought to be healthy, pose a threat to health. 

Responding to these findings a leading Doctor claimed it would "just be easier for everyone if you lobbed yourself off a tall bridge into the face of an oncoming express train"

Shares in frog spawn remained unchanged on the revelations. 

Welcome To Fear. Part XXIX

Death by Height 

New POST ON AS1967! ELDERS REACT

Of course they fucking don't. Nor do youngsters. Or whoever else happens to be pictured. 

Yet extravagantly pulled faces, contorted by repeated posing, will persuade you otherwise. Especially if you have the intellectual capacity of an unbuttered toasted wheaten farl

Something "Bad For Business"

A leading business expert claimed something was "bad for business" and was costing the UK an estimated £1 billion pounds per day. They said "this whatever it is, is really bad for business, and it's costing business an estimated £1 billion per day". When pressed as to how the £1 billion figure was arrived at, the spokesman gazed into the middle distance, then pointed and shouted "Look. Madonna!", using the momentary confusion this caused to make his escape. 

These latest claims come hard on the heels of other recent blows to business, each of which have cost business equally huge sums of money. Sickness, absenteeism, most kinds of weather, the minimum wage, maternity leave, the education system, the UK's Time Zone, red tape, not being in the Euro, continued membership of the EU, leaving the EU, the maximum working week, toilets breaks, smoke breaks, the smoking ban, the internet, all social media,especially Facebook, traffic jams, late trains, the Tube (London Only), Health and Safety legislation, political correctness, planning regulations, lightly reheated blog posts, the Banks, product labelling, skirt lengths, the metric system, recycling requirements and "everything" have all been blamed for something. 

One leading economist, commenting on these claims said "I wish these fuckers would just shut their miserable, gurning cakeholes" 

Welcome To Fear. Part XXVIII

Death by skinny jeans

Reduced to the mean.

Faux outrage.
Ominous warnings.
Aggrandising stunts.
A witless homily.
Pastel coloured, pencil sketched teddy bear pictures.
Something about wine.

Sight Unseen - James Bond "Spectre" Reviewed*

Although the box office success of "Skyfall" was roundly welcomed, there was a lingering sense that the film itself didn't quite live up to the usual standards of the Bond franchise. Lazy plotting and a nonsensical final third left many with a faint sense of disappointment. Well the good news is that "Spectre" is a stunning return to form, with all the gadgets, car chases, beautiful girls and stunts restored to their rightful places. Although the story, a somewhat convoluted mismatch of contrivances, coincidences and explosions, doesn't quite reach the peaks of "Live and Let Die", it doesn't plumb the depths of "Goldeneye". 

There is much for the Bond aficionado to enjoy, with some subtle nods to the past, and enough energy to entertain even more casual fans. Daniel Craig delivers a steely performance, displaying yet again why he best epitomises the "thug in a hand made suit" which Ian Flemming's archetype demands. There is also much to admire in the performances of the supporting cast. Dave Bautista's "Mr Hinx" joins the long list of memorable Bond henchmen, although it is something of a disappointment how little screen time he actually gets. Still what do they say? "Leave the audience wanting more?" Christoph Waltz plays a more restrained, modern villain than the clichéd Bond baddie, more likely to browse his phone than to evilly stroke a cat. But he still harbours crazed global ambitions. Ralph Fiennes does what he can with the material but, as his character is so lightly sketched, there's not a lot for him to work with. Which is unfortunate, given the pivotal nature of the role. 

Of course all the usual Bond boxes are ticked, Q's gadgets, glaring product placement, purely decorative female co-stars introduced to be killed and / or laid by Bond, and a theme song performed by the first singer who heaved into view. 

And the verdict? This is a Bond film whose reputation will decline between initial release and the release of the next Bond film which will, in turn, be hailed as a "stunning return to form" after the disappointment of "Spectre". 

Rating ****  

*Of course it bloody isn't. I've cobbled this together from the cast list and synopsis on IMDB. But it could be an actual review. Or, more accurately, it will be an actual review once the thing is released. And, I rather suspect, this will be just as insightful as anything produced by a reviewer who actually watches it.    

They are. Because.

Fizz Pub - The beer selection consists of a depressing array of interchangeable Lagers

Fun Pub - The final throw of the dice before the publican sues for bankruptcy. 

Student Pub - See Fun Pub. Only more run down. Can also be a Crafty. Will feature badly attended "Open Mic" nights.

Plub - By day, a fuck-awful place with aluminium furniture, an over ambitious but entirely microwaved lunch menu and a cacophony of shite beers. By night? The same place, but with the furniture removed, replaced with a dick on a turntable playing banging tunes to an empty room. Usually called "Zone", "Fuse" or "Roxy". Will have over zealous door staff

Vertical Drinking Establishment (VDE) - A cross between a Plub and Fizz Pub. There are no seats. Everyone stands drinking pissy lager. It will smell of vinegar. 

Otherspoon's - A half-arsed cover version of a Wetherspoon's. But not as good. 

Vinegar Pub - The establishment is soaked in the permanent aroma of mouldy vinegar, a hangover from the lunch / dinner menu which consists of something plus chips. May be transformed into a Plub or a VDE at the stroke of 8 O'clock. 

Crafty - It was called "Fuse". Suddenly they've discovered critrusy IPA. Ubiquitous beards. "Hipster Lumberjack" describes the clientèle and the house ale on draught. 

Mock Mick's - A traditional Orish Pub,which is unlike any actual pub in Ireland. Staffed by Australians. Road signs perpetually identify Galway as being 60 Km away. The words "Pogue" and "Mahone" will feature. As does a psychopathic insistence of on "the craic". 

The Wacky Combo - See "The Dog And Kango Hammer" or "Cholera and Oranges". A pub which can't work out what the fuck it is so, depending on the alignment of the stars, it lurches between a Plub, VDE or an Otherspoons. Or all three. At once. 

Girly Chain - One type of beer, usually an Italian brand brewed under licence. Somewhere for Cynthia and Esme to safely gossip about their work makes over a £4 bottle of Prosecco they've been charged £20 for.