Advertising Slogans. Kettle Chips. Absolutely Nothing Artificial

It's been a while since I've been suitably motivated to do one of these. 
Kettle Chips. Their crisp packets proudly proclaim "absolutely nothing artificial". 

Just to be clear about the terms here.  

Dictionary.com defines the adverb "absolutely" as "without exception; completely; wholly; entirely." Then defines the noun "nothing" as "no thing; not anything; naught." And finally the adjective "artificial" as "made by human skill;"

So, If I apply these definitions to the text on the front of a Kettle Chips packet, their "chips" are without exception; completely, wholly; entirely, no thing, not anything; naught; made by human skill. 

That's pretty definite then

Now, up until this point I'd thought "crisps" (or chips if you prefer) were entirely artificial as, and unless I am mistaken, crisps (flavoured, low fat, organic or otherwise) don't occur in nature. Therefore the only way this claim can be accurate is if there is a secret breed of potato Kettle aren't telling us about. And it must be a curious variety. What with its ability to migrate to Great Britain from the home of all potatoes, the Americas. Negotiating the treacherous Atlantic crossing (I mean they must swim. A flying potato? Please) and through the English Channel, before turning northwards to reach the Norfolk coast. Spying this land they realised the rich soil made an ideal place for them to grow and flourish.  

This breed of potato (already something of a curio thanks to its migratory nature and its ability to navigate oceans) then undergoes a series of startling (and entirely natural remember) transformations before becoming a "chip". Their life cycle is, quite possibly, the most bizarre in nature. When they reach maturity this strain of potatoes can dig their way out of the ground. Freed from the mud, the potato's homing instincts must kick in. Like a salmon returning to it's spawning ground, the potato seeks its destiny - the natural potato slicers and vast, hot sunflower oil geysers in this part of East Anglia. The journey is arduous and some don't survive. Those that do, pausing momentarily to survey the view, throw themselves, Lemming like, on to the slicers, only escaping when they've reached a uniform thickness. After resting, they then bathe in the hot oil. No one is sure why, but as soon as they reach a golden colour and crispy consistency, they emerge, transformed into "chips". 

Weakened, from the slicing and the frying, they pull themselves onto the natural flavour pits which surround the geysers to rest, becoming coated in a variety of delicious flavours. The chips are very vulnerable at this point, as they are at their tastiest. So, and in an effort to protect themselves from the predators who gather to feast on the savoury plenty, the "chips" huddle together in 40 gramme and 150 gramme portions, taking shelter in the wild plastic bags they share Norfolk with. On rare occasions groups of six or more bags find a bigger bag to share. Once the "chips" are securely in their packets, Kettle send out skilled "chip" harvesters to bring in the crop. 

Nature's journey from a humble potato, to a premium, deep fried, flavoured chip, packaged in a plastic bag, is complete. 

And there's "absolutely nothing artificial" about it. 

Something a bit more positive.

I've come to realise that the only thing that changes is the name of the agency who are lying to me. "I'll ring you back as I'd really like to get you in front of the client" she fibbed. "I think you're ideal for the job. I'll be in touch". By the following Tuesday my latest new best friend was mysteriously unavailable and not returning any calls. Honestly I was shocked. Not even slightly. Now you'd think they'd realise that, having been unemployed for 6 months, I'd see right through this bullshit. But, I suppose that only applies if they bothered reading what actually says on my CV, rather than what they think is on my CV. Although in this instance the word (if not the spelling) "read" is kind of ironic. 

I suppose there was some merit in the exercise. Registering with this crowd allowed me to complete my Panini "Belfast Recruitment Agencies" sticker album. You can imagine the celebrations that followed. 

On a more positive note I sat and passed my ITIL V3 Foundation course. This formalises my experience and gives me a recognised, tangible qualification. For all the whinging I do here I'd just like to say that in contrast to my previous experiences the company I used "Sureskills" were very good, and the trainer, a guy called Mike Stellard from Aquip, was excellent. If you're looking to do an ITIL training course then I'd strongly recommend both. 

Believe in Better? (Part 4)

Normally I'd stick something like this as a little comment on the original. But then it just looks like I'm trying to bump up my comment count. 

I was just re-reading my last post when I noticed a lovely piece of misdirection, above and beyond that about it being lossless and "virtually indistinguishable". They claim that mp3's at 192kps are "virtually indistinguishable" from CD. They then claim 320kps mp3's offer "extremely high quality sound files". The clear implication? If mp3's ripped at 192kps are as good as CD then, 320kps mp3's must be better.

Yeah I know.

Another interesting thing about this service (in their defence it's not limited to Sky, Apple, Play, HMV and the rest are just as guilty) is that in a lot of instances the mp3 version is actually more expensive to buy than the CD version. Yip you pay more for the intangible, low resolution packaging free, DRM soaked version than you do for higher quality, nicely packaged, DRM free CD. 

Right. 

Am I the only one who thinks this is bonkers? Why would anyone pay (as an example ) £6.49* on the Sky service to download the most recent U2 (leaving aside the merits of the music for a second) when you can buy the CD version of the same thing for £4.99 from Play? 

No I can't figure it out either.

Anyway I think I've worked the whole Sky / HMV / mp3 thing out for my system for another while. Guess what I'll be blogging about next? (Clue - it involves recruitment agencies)

*HMV appear (for completely unfathomable reasons) to charge the same price for the mp3 version as the CD version. It's bonkers. But, as you'll be aware if you've been in an HMV recently, they've kinda given up on selling music. There must be more money in flogging "5 DVDs for £20," Wii games and t-shirts than from trying to sell Dark Side of the Moon CD for £16. What I also find hard to understand is how they can sell a Movie for less than a fiver on DVD, and at the same time sell the Movie's soundtrack on CD for £15.

If I was being generous I'd suggest that this incongruous pricing was, at best, peculiar. But as I'm not being generous....

Believe in Better? (Part 3)

You'd think I have it in for Sky or something.

I've just come across a further demonstration of the bollox Sky spout. On Monday they launched a thing called Sky Music. Basically it's another one of those "we'll save the music industry from illegal downloads" sites that have sprung up since someone decided the music industry was worth saying. You know the form. It's like Spotify (something I got bored with after a month) but with a twist. For £6.49 you can download tracks to your computer. Only ten mind but you get the idea.  

As I've mentioned before I'm not a fan of the mp3 format, in all it's compressed awfulness. And you'll also recall that I was disputing the assertion that mp3 sounds as good as CD.  So I had a look to see what format these downloads were in and at what bitrate. I came across this in their FAQs 

How good is the quality of the music from Sky Songs?
All the music files at Sky Songs are either recorded at 192Kbit/s or 320Kbit/s. The 192Kbit/s songs deliver sound quality that is virtually indistinguishable from CD quality. The 320Kbit/s songs offer extremely high quality sound files.

How can something be "virtually Indistinguishable" when the whole point of "indistinguishable" is that you can't tell the bloody difference? 

"Why are Sky Songs' downloaded files bigger than those from other suppliers?
Simply because Sky Songs provides as premium music product as possible, using less compression on the files to keep the sound quality as high as possible. This is commonly known as 'lossless compression' which does mean that the file size is somewhat larger than other inferior quality music."

Less compression is known as lossless? No it isn't. mp3 at 320kps (the current maximum) is a compressed lossly format. That's how mp3 works for Christ sake. You "loose" things. Clearly they are getting mixed up with a real compressed non-lossly format like FLAC. CD streams at 1440kps. So where does the other 1120kps go? That's right it's "lost" 

So there we have it. mp3 not only sounds "virtually" as good as CD it's also "virtually" lossless. 

And lo, the music industry is "virtually" saved. 

Believe in Better? (Part 2)

Like the last one, except selling "Art". Yip "Art" and "Sky" in the same sentence. Anyway some old soak, stands playing a saxophone, telling us about the great the "Arts" coverage on Sky. You know grey hair, balding blah blah blah. "Sky" and I'm paraphrasing here "has great arts coverage. You never know what you'll see" more saxophone action and then he's off.

Except you can't just subscribe to Sky Arts. No way. You have to take out their "Style and Culture" pack which includes such er gems as Discovery Shed and Sky Travel. Which is at odds with Sky's long held opposition to the TV licence, based on the proposition that the viewer is forced to pay for channels they don't want.

They even make the following statement on their website

"Start building your TV package with Sky TV. We've organised our fantastic range of digital TV channels into six themed Entertainment Packs, so you only ever pay for TV you want to watch. Take one Entertainment Pack, for £17.50 a month, and add more for an extra £1 a month each. All six Entertainment Packs are just £22.50 a month, plus you will automatically receive over 200 free-to-air TV channels."

Which means that if you want to watch Arts on Sky programming you also must want to see Current TV and Sky Real Lives, as "you only ever pay for the TV you want to watch" That's a pretty specific demographic Sky have sown up there. I wonder what research they did to identify the demand for lumping all these unrelated channels into one lovely, tasty morsel? Still what do you expect from a crowd who advertise unlimited broadband with a download limit and unlimited calls with a time limit? Obviously their definition of "unlimited" is as at odds with reality as their definition of "Knowledge"

Of course it's bollox. What's even more entertaining is if you phone up to ask why you have pay for channels you don't watch*. The answer? If you were able to pick and chose your own channels rather than taking the ones bundled by Sky, then the unpopular ones would go bust.   

Sky. Paying for the TV you want to watch. Kind of. 


*Just on this. There are many things you can do on the Sky website, such as manage your account. Now by "manage" I mean buy additional services. It is impossible to downgrade or cancel your account online. Which is odd. Even more peculiar is that if you try to use the FAQ to help you find out how to cancel or downgrade your package then you are in for a disappointment. There isn't a single word about this in the FAQ . Not a peep. Clearly this suggests that no-one has ever decided to change their channel package, or, god forbid, cancel the whole thing. Ever. Or, if it does happen, it's so rare that there is no fixed procedure to deal with if.. I mean you'd think if such circumstances had arisen more than say three times (hard to believe I know, but the annual higher than inflation subscription price rise might be enough for some tightwads to at least consider the value for money aspect of Sky) you'd think there'd be some indication on their website how you go about doing it. Wouldn't you? Funnily enough the last time I rang Sky I asked about this omission. "Why can't I cancel or downgrade my channel package via the online account management screen?" "Because" I was told "that would put me out of a job."

Believe In Better?

There's an advert for Sky TV on at the moment, trying to sell a subscription to their so called "Knowledge Pack". I say so called as Sky's definition of "knowledge" is fairly narrow. Think TV channels filled with documentaries about World War II, Nostradamus and things exploding. This particular advertisement features a stereotypical Camford student. She can be seen wandering around a university, poking at dead insects, claiming that watching documentaries on Sky (presumably including "Inside the World's Fattest Man" and "Miami Ink") inspired her to pursue a degree in Entomology. Now unless her degree has a large part of it's content devoted to the study of how Nostradamus predicted fat, tattooed Nazis would breed exploding insects, then I'm understandably sceptical about her claims 

But that's not the point.

So, you ask, what is?

The ad then goes on to tell us that her granny (who'd got Sky in before her parents did) would phone or text (to gloat no doubt) about the unbelievable shows she was missing out by not having Sky ("Fuck, you wanna seen the show about how Nostradamus predicted that fat, tattooed Nazis would breed exploding insects....)

Sorry? Did I miss something?

Call me suspicious but a "granny" using a mobile phone? And texting? Not about her medication or what the neighbours dog is leaving in the garden, but about TV shows on Sky? Right. You can only imagine the content of these texts. Either "Saw gr8 doc on sky 2 inspire u 2 uni luv u gran" Or "f off ur prnts r a par ov tite cnts thy shud gt thr own sky lolz".

So what I've taken from the ad is if you aspire to be like our plummy heroine then you don't need to subscribe to Sky. What you need to succeed is an elderly relative, with good eyesight and non-arthritic thumbs, texting you about how good some programmes you don't watch are.

"Top" UK University here I come.

What do you want?

I finally managed to negotiate a meeting with the agency who've been playing silly buggers. And the outcome? I'm no further on. If I hadn't bothered my hole I'd be no worse off. Now I'm not saying it was a complete waste of time, I mean I got to see the new public art in Cornmarket. Hurrah! Culture saved the day! I bet you that's not a claim you'll often hear about sculptures anywhere, let alone Belfast. 

There's a pattern to these chats with agencies. They asked the usual things. When the "what do you want?" question rolled into view I was tempted to say "I want to see me stretch forth my hand again and command the stars. I want a rebirth of glory, a renaissance of power. I want to stop running through my life like a man late for an appointment, afraid to look back or to look forward. I want to be what I used to be! I want it all back, the way that it was.*"

But I didn't. Anyway they promised to put some feelers out and swore on a big pile of Bibles that they'd be in touch. 

So that'll be the last I'll ever hear from them then. 

 *If I'd replied "I'd like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favours come with too high a price" it would have been more appropriate. Yes I'm re-watching Babylon 5. Again.