Fifteen invented Bands and Singers have been named in "Angry Since 1967s" Perpetual List Of Bands To Hear Next Year.
The up-and-coming artists on this year's long list range from "A Bit 80s Sounding","We Sound Exactly The Same As An Old Band We Think No-One Remembers" to Pop artists "Depressingly Predictable" and "If This Doesn't Work I'll Be A Comedian Next. Or An Actor". Dance band "Clichéd, Aul Crap, Branded As A New Dance Sub-Genre" are also included.
"Bleeding-Edge, Ultra Kewl, Game Changing Producer Whose Name We Can't Say Without Climaxing - Forgotten Next Week", "Angst-y Singer Song Writer With Breathy Vocals (Female)" and "Angst-y Singer Song Writer (Male)" also feature.
"Exotic Foreigner" and "Not Very Good, But Jesus! What A Tragic Back Story" have been backed for success after both were straddled with an off-the-peg tragic back story, which really isn't that tragic. Unless hating cabbage counts. Honestly? I was so touched by the cynicism I nearly, well almost, thought about considering crying my lamps out. "A Blatant Clone Of A Currently Successful Artist" and "We'll Be Successful This Time. Promise" have also selected for success. Amongst the others are the runts of the litter "Box Ticked", "Something Faintly World Music-y" and "Token Nod To Metal" who get listed simply to make the numbers up. Their inclusion isn't even a vague acknowledgement that 97% of the interesting music being currently produced, doesn't exist in the thin slither of music deemed fit by the wankers who compile these lists. Although Rap artist "Oxbridge Urban Music Bloke Endorsed By Headphone Manufacturer" absence from the list triggered controversy, generating a single indignant tweet by his mum.
The tastemakers, critics and other assorted experts behind this selection include AS 1967, who is a producer*, TV presenter**, newspaper critic***, magazine editor**** and a respected blogger*****. He claimed being asked to make up some completely fictional bands showed he was "...fucking cool. Which is the entire point of this self-perpetuating horse shit. I mean it isn't about the music, it's about me and the rest of this motley band, proving we still have our collective fingers on the pulse. That we're down with the kids. I mean, even if these bands did exist, what they sound like isn't as important as the image I, and the rest of the vacuous fuckers specifically selected in the expectation we'd make these anodyne, dreary picks, hope to portray"
When the top five is announced, as none of the bands exist, they won't be featured on the Angry Since website, nor will there be any broadcast sessions or interviews with any of the winners. There is also unlikely to be a midyear review when these pretend artists have their progress assessed. Or rather they will, as these bands actually are, to all intents and purposes, real. The narrow, predictable, pedestrian range of unchallenging mediocre music from which the so-called "experts" make their selections seldom varies, rendering the outcome both inevitable and worthless. There's little to be confronted by. Nothing remotely different. Little beyond a safe facsimile of what has gone before. An unending parade of mediocrity lauded with feigned quasi-critical, and as yet entirely unearned, acclaim.
Next year this will be rebranded the "Whoop-De-Fucking-Do" list, in an attempt to more accurately reflect the levels of anticipation, excitement and relevance the announcement generates.
The Complete List
"A Bit 80s Sounding"
"We Sound Exactly The Same As An Old Band We Think No-One Remembers"
"If This Doesn't Work I'll Be A Comedian Next. Or An Actor"
"Clichéd, Aul Crap, Cached As A New Dance Sub-Genre"
"Bleeding-Edge, Ultra Kewl, Game Changing Producer Whose Name We Can't Say Without Climaxing - Forgotten Next Week"
"Angst-y Singer Song Writer (Female)"
"Angst-y Singer Song Writer (Male)"
"Not Very Good, But Jesus! What A Tragic Back Story"
"A Blatant Clone Of A Currently Successful Artist"
"We'll Be Successful This Time. Promise"
"Something Faintly World Music-y"
"Token Nod To Metal"
The final result is expected in January, and then repeated verbatim every year until the end of time.
*I stood behind a camera in 1990 directing traffic while an acquaintance videoed a concert.
**Appeared on Romper Room in the early 1970s.
***Slagged off TV programmes in a student newspaper many years ago.
****Cut photos out of football magazines in the 1970s
*****If you've read any of this blog, that should be self evident.
Yes I did post (with some adjustments) this last year, the year before. then the year before, the year before that, the year before that and the year before that. Which is entirely the point.